E198: Healing Sexual Shame and Trauma with Tia Lynn | Trauma Healing Podcast

Michael: Hey! What's up, Unbroken Nation! Hope that you're doing well, wherever you are in the world today. Super excited to be back with you with another episode with Tia Lynn who is on a mission to help millions of women on their confidence, power and open up to pleasure to have better sex by healing. Tia, I'm super excited to have you on this episode, I haven't had anyone come on who's gone into depth around this, especially around women's sexual healing, so I'm very excited about this, how are you today, my friend? What is going on in your world?

Tia: I am so fabulous. I just got a massage, I signed a new client today and we got started and it's been a great day.

Michael: Beautiful. I love it. So, for context before we jump in, can you give us a little bit of background on you and how you got to where you are today?

Tia: Yes, that's kind of a long story, but I'm going to go short. So, I started pretty much just being in marketing, you know, I love the marketing aspect of creativity and helping people stand out and businesses and increasing sales but as I did this, I worked with coaches and healers and what I found was I have this passion inside me that I just love to help women be more confident in being themselves and that goes to men too as well. Like being yourself is pretty much the secret ingredients to being happier and attracting the right people to you. So I just love helping people get out of all these rules, that society, religion, family has put on them and to be more themselves and be more confident, and this helps in all areas business life relationships and through growing to businesses I found my passion and that's just what I love to do along with marketing and my clothing line, so it kind of all is centered around confidence though.

Michael: Yeah, and I think that for anyone going through this kind of journey confidence can be one of these words that we hear in passing and you're like, I don't really know what that is, right? And I say this all the time when I was 26, 27 years old I looked at my life, I was like, I'm zero confidence, I have no self-esteem, I've no idea who I am. So how did you really kind of step into this journey? Because I have this odd suspicion that you probably had to learn how to do this for yourself.

Tia: Oh, yeah. So journey of Entrepreneurship, is that what you're asking?

Michael: Into self confidence.

Tia: Okay, so I would say being a child and growing up, I actually am very lucky, my mom really pushed me to be myself, so I am thankful about that this is something that I was able to do but I will say growing up in Utah, all the parts of me weren't really accepted naturally. So I was kind of that weird child that was like loud and quirky and like I didn't really like to be normal and things that were weird; like I were lime green sparkly pants in like a sixth grader, I was weird and I didn't really care to be popular with the popular crowd, I was Goofy, I was like nerdy, I said weird things and just silly, we're like the popular people were too cool for that. So I just was myself and my mom helped me with that so I'm thankful that my mom was like there for me and encourage that, but I know so many people didn't have that.

So as I met other people friends, Entrepreneurs, they have the opposite mindset, they were like, I can't do that, or that's not okay or a lot of shame around who they really were and that affected them in their business, their life in their relationships and especially in the bedroom and that was like my passion just naturally. So, my first business was clothing line, like Festival clothing and the thing is all the reviews were like, oh my gosh, you made me feel so confident and it was the standout sexy Festival clothing that was bringing things that they loved to life and it made them feel confident, made them feel sexy. So kind of all my little ventures, had this center around like helping people be more themselves and be confident.

Michael: I love that and I think it's such an important thing that people learn what that means for them. I will say this, if I go and I rewind myself a decade ago, starting this journey, trying to figure out confidence, a wouldn't have been able to define it for someone who's listening who maybe has they hear this word, they're like, I just don't really understand what that means. What does confidence like actually mean? How have you been to define it, what is confidence?

Tia: I would say, feeling secure in yourself. So whether that's you being more quiet and that's who you are or extroverted and that's who you are or going to a club like me and wanting to dance and be myself. So I would say confidence is secure and being yourself and it could often look like shoulders back, presentation, how you communicate your demeanor, your energy, how people perceive you? As confident and usually being secure in yourself.

Michael: I really like that. I think that part of it is people have to understand that you have to actually build confidence, you have to build yourself, but a huge part of what we faced with the guilt and shame not only necessary for many people who come from traumatic backgrounds, but just from society is navigating that it's okay to be yourself. So, I think, when people hear things like confidence, self-esteem, like things of this nature, but they're faced with never being able to really tell happened to who they are. How do you help someone a practical way build confidence, when they've never done anything in their life, that would help them understand what that means?

Tia: So since I'm a coach, I'm going to give you some homework, okay. So what I have my clients do is, what are some things that you love or that you're really good at and it's so hard for people who maybe don't have that confidence to brag or to pull it out or maybe they don't think it's good enough, but it is, so just try. And I urge you to start small, you don't go from 0 to 1,000; you go 0 to 1 to 10 to 22, maybe 50 and it's just a growing. So I want you to write down 10 to 20 things that you are good at and it could be as small as you're good at social media, you're good at talking to people, you're good at being an amazing Mom, okay? So start small and go from there and nothing's too small maybe you're really good at organizing, which, you know what I suck at. So it's just these things that we think are small, but our big for other people, so start with that. And then one other piece of homework, you can write this down if you need to is start showing more of your personality or you in your day-to-day life, whether that's an email, whether that's a call, whether that's going out and you don't know anybody and doing what you would do if you were comfortable or doing what you would do if you were more you. So for me that was like going out and going to talk to someone or to dance at a bar where I didn't know anyone and I was uncomfortable and that's how I made all my friends, so just start.

Michael: Yeah, and it's totally about momentum; start with this little thing, one step, one step forward every single day because on a long enough time line, that's how you're going to get to where you want to be in your life. And I think that the only way that you build confidence and this is only, my experience, is, you have to try things, you have to be uncomfortable and ultimately, you have to hold yourself accountable to see what you're capable of doing. And I think the big part of that is despite fear, despite judgment, despite shame from other people because and guess what? They're already judging you anyway, and the truth is, what is their opinion have to do with you and the answer is nothing, you can't control what other people think.

One of the things I think people get held up on in this process though, is as they step into trying to be themselves it kind of changes their equilibrium, it's new, it's different, it's unknown, it's uncomfortable in a way that they're inexperienced with and then the first time because it will happen I guarantee you, when you change people around you notice, some people will judge you for it is the nature of, I think the human experience. I think often that can trigger these humongous abandonment wounds for people where they're just like, man I tried to be me but then this person judges me in them on a life anymore and then it's chaos and then you're like, wait a second maybe, this is tied to something, and I know that you've done your own personal work around this. What's the journey been like for you for not only looking at what abandonment wounds are, but healing them in your personal life?

Tia: So abandoned was actually started coming up when I first started my business like going all-in, moving to California and having to provide for myself full-time. I was one of those people that went like all in like burned the boats and I didn't have a back-up plan, well, my backup plan was okay, like I have to go get a job then but I when the boats so it's so funny but through personal development I realized that as I was trying to provide for myself and I hired like a transformational coach; she told me that I actually didn't there was a time that I couldn't take on one or two clients at once. And the reason why was I was afraid of being abandoned in my business and I was like, that's so weird but I want more clients, but this fear keeps coming up. So I had to work with a coach to help me like work on that abandonment wounds and she was like a transformational life coach very deep healing like therapy times, it was just a quicker therapy, I found that I didn't grow up with a dad like in my life so I had a lot of the I didn't meant wounds with that but what I found through this therapy was actually was my mom. So, it was a really hard point, but my mom actually tried to commit suicide when I was teenager about 17 and through healing I thought it was when I was younger, like my dad, but it really was my mom because my mom was that close connection that I loved and loved me the most and so that was actually the deeper abandonment women that I work on. Kind of going through it and forgiveness, and having someone to support you through this because if it cuts deep, it's very emotional and healing on that takes time and it is painful.

Michael: Yeah. I know that from my own personal experience as you were stepping into it and going through and healing, like in a practical way what did that look like? What were you noticing in your life? What was different? Was it literally just forgiveness that became a part of this like how does someone like heal and abandonment women?

Tia: Oh my goodness. I would say seek professional help but through this I'm luckily, I hired somebody that was there for me and I could talk to and message and what some practical things that we did was go back in time to that painful moment and bring it up and see how I felt and see what came up and there were journal prompts, there was working, there was forgiveness, there was healing, there was looking at it, instead of just pushing it to the side because like I said, I thought it was one thing, but it was another, because the other thing, I was like, it's okay but I didn't really ever, I don't think deal with it, I just was like, I'm okay, I'm okay.

And another thing was through this journey with this coach was she helped me like deal with smaller issues like at the time, my relationship kind of leaving or me trying to leave or not communicating my feelings or not sharing issues or like even texting and communication was huge, I would like push people away or not share my feelings or what would you call it? Like, just not good communication because I was fear of being abandoned over and over. So realizing these things and how they come up then you can work on them with somebody.

Michael: Yeah, I love that you said seek professional help. I'm such a big proponent of the idea of like the right person for the right job. If your sinks busted, you're not calling an electrician, right? And I think that's such a big part of this journey and sometimes like with that right person and that parlay you will start uncovering these other pieces of the puzzle, you'll learn more about yourself, you'll understand more about yourself and sometimes, it's even a common in passing, because you have a mirror, right? We're in this happens, when I'm working with my own coach and also when I'm coaching or Mike, oh damn, I didn't even think about that. And I think a big part of the healing journey for you and this is because I know what you do is is healing sexual shame. What does that been like for you? What does that mean? Because first off, can you define sexual shame then can you talk about healing around it?

Tia: Yes. So one of my fellow coaches said that shame like a working definition, is the impulse to hide something, I loved this because sometimes shame just has this weird connotation so the impulse to hide something. So you could have shame around partners, you can have shame around sexual trauma, you could have shame around just sex itself from religion and family, from society because society kind of makes it or even just being a woman and liking sex. So because we're like not supposed to or what I was raised was it, you know, you're supposed to like keep it hidden in all these things.

So me growing up in Utah, that was very prevalent, it was like, I don't know, women didn't really talk about sex, we didn't talk about pleasure, nobody talked about masturbation, a lot of women that when I was growing up like nobody talked about it and that was like, why would I do that when I can have it, was like a weird thing also, like, you know, save sex for marriage that was also very prevalent and religion and society and where I grew up with. So I had a lot of shame because I didn't feel for me that made sense even though I grew up super Christian, I lost my virginity as an adult, I didn't think where I want it to be that I wanted to save sex for marriage because me, even now I'm 31 years old and I own two businesses, I still am not wanting to be like married right away like I'm not in a rush. So for me I knew I wanted to be this big person and I wanted to have businesses so it didn't logically make sense to me. I had to shame around that, I had shame around sexual desires, I had shame around being open, I had shame around talking about sex, all of those things.

Michael: I think that's part of the Human Experience. You know, as The Unbroken Nation knows I've talked about this before, I grew up, Mormon in, there was very much stigmas around that, and the more that I got into the healing journey, the more I kind of created a framework for acceptance around us. So as someone's in this journey and many people whether it comes from a puritanical religion or just trauma and household or sexual abuse themselves there is always that scope of I think for most people probably for the vast majority, especially in the western states, are the Western Country in the United States where it is Sexes, everywhere in front of you, everywhere you go at all times and it's like don't talk about it, but it's everywhere. So when you're in this and people are like man, I do feel shame about sex, I feel guilt about it, I feel whatever is about that like, how do you help people start to become not only comfortable with their sexuality, but may be accepted or explore it or step into it in a way that is profound an impactful in their lives because it is part of the human experience and I think all too often were missing out on it.

Tia: I love this. So this is why I got into this business that I started following my purpose and passion is shame is all around us and it kept you safe as a child, it did like like not pursuing things or your family was trying to keep you safe, your family was trying to be like not getting you hurt, okay? But the way it's done sometimes goes into adulthood and it's not our shame, so, okay. So number one, shame is usually is it yours or is it what you've learned? Is that society as your family? Is it your friends? Is that what you perceive? Okay, so a lot of the time shame isn't even yours, so some ways to heal from it is realize that for one is this actually isn't mine, I didn't believe this from my own opinions and my own research, I got this from other people and other people's beliefs and I took that on, okay?

So, I like to give this visual as you have a backpack, on your shoulders and when people shame you, you start putting all these blocks on your shoulders, these bricks and starts holding you down because you are scared to be yourself, you're scared to be uninhibited, you're scared. And so, all these masks, you start to take on and this literally comes out and everything life, business, relationships, sex. So as you start communicating about these, you realize that you are not alone, you are not weird or shameful for having these different desires, that may not be talked about all the time. You are normal, the only thing I like to say is, unless you're hurting somebody hurting yourself or hurting others without consent okay? So I like to say that but you are actually normal like, sex is weird, sex is different, sex doesn't like normal quote-unquote like there's so many different things to explore and communication sharing and talking about this is super important so that's what I would say to start small, start talking about it.

Michael: For people who are terrified to talk about it, how do you start small in that?

Tia: I would say find somebody that doesn't shame you so you can come talk to me or start opening your eyes to new things, like listen to my podcast I talk about shame sex relationships, all these weird taboo things or find other podcast, or other YouTube videos, and start opening your eyes and listening and you'll start seeing that you aren't that weird and I think that's a big part. So starting small is just open your ears and your eyes to new things.

Michael: Yeah, that's really interesting. I think you might be onto something there because I constantly tell my clients and whatever context of conversation that we're having is, if I can plant a seed in your mind about something that you either (a) need to reframe or (b) understand then in a long enough time line I think that you'll be able to kind of bring that into your life and your social structure into the way that you move about the world. But it often seems to me, especially with sex sexuality things like, even masturbation, like you mentioned, there is so much pressure around it and so much about this idea of performing and pleasing other people and I have this odd theory that it's really hard to be innately close to your sexuality if you don't even know who you are.

So, someone who's like exploring and try to figure out who they are and they're on this healing journey has gone through trauma they want to be a sexual human being but you know, they're so much like literal hurt around it. How do they start to navigate it to get into this place where they can be freely explorative?

Tia: Yeah, so just like anything we start to get ahead of our self just like insects like literally how you do one thing you do all things. So just like sex you think to the end, you think to the end goal you think to the end goal, but if you do that it prevents you from getting there, so what you do is you start. So the first thing is you decide; you decide there's going to be a change, made you decide that, hey! I'm ready to make some changes and improvements and then you start taking those little steps like I said before, it is helpful to have a guide, a professional sexual trauma, help healer, somebody that helps you to guide you to get there quicker and condensed time but if you don't like look out for those things, start listening to those things and start doing one step a day, just one. What can you do today to kind of explore more? What can you do today to feel more comfortable about yourself or your sexuality? What can you do be more present, be more connected to your body, explore your body? This can be for men and women like instead of taking on other people's beliefs or looking at porn or things like that what if you just explore your body and try something new so quickly that could just be like for women and men there’s actually different types of, I'm not going to get in this too much but erotic blueprints, you can look it up, it's like the types of sex, there's a type of Love Languages, there's like five erotic blueprints that's the type of sex. So maybe it's just like, do I like really soft touch or do I kind of like a little bit of pain and don't shame yourself or it's like what turns you on what is it? Try to explore different things and just be aware of it and be present and then look into it, do research and have fun, do research with your body as well.

Michael: I think there's something really interesting about the idea of having fun with it. So, how do you kind of have fun with it even though you feel, whether it be social pressure or the pressure you put on yourself and it's all so much about leading up and trying to meet expectations that often are unfounded I think a big part of the misnomer in the way that sex has been misconstrued in modern society as the lack of communication around it. So how important is it to get on, you talked about clarity, talked about being looking at your life and what you want. How do you communicate your needs? Not only with yourself, which I think is super important but with the people that you are experiencing your sexuality with?

Tia: Oh my goodness! I love this is all like similar, how you do one thing, you do all things. So start small, like just like for me, when I was struggling with abandonment issues I was scared to share my feelings, how I felt with men, how I felt with my feelings because I was scared of being rejected so I started small, you can start small. So even just sharing like, hey, that hurt my feelings when you said that to me or in kind of sex, like I really enjoy when you do this, this is a good, good, good thing to start with this is very small and it may be uncomfortable. Let's say, after you're in the bedroom, you can talk outside the bedroom and talk about it, so with your partner in the bedroom, you enjoy something like, make more noise, that's communicating, you could tell them who I really like that, ooh! that feels so good and then outside of the bedroom, you can ask this is great for partners and this is so underutilized, it's just being like, outside of the bedroom, be like, what did you like best? What would you like to do more of? What would you like to explore? These are three simple questions and I want you to start doing them with your partner and that will just be a really great start.

Michael: Yeah, and I think also when that is and you mentioned something try to communicate with people who don't shame you or guilt you but let's say that you're in a relationship or you're in a partnership where when you do express yourself there is shame, there is a guilt coming from the other side, when you try to communicate earlier in connection, because I know, that happens and that was actually part of my experience to on my relationships in the early 20s and that went both ways, I'll be very clear about that. So how do you navigate that as a man or a woman in this situation?

Tia: Okay. So oftentimes when other people shame you, it's not actually you it's them, they're projecting onto you, so somebody that wasn't able to be free sexually will shame other women or I've also noticed, people who shame gay people oftentimes it's because they were shamed or they feel shame inside them. So just know that first that it's usually not you, it's them projecting themselves on to you and then secondly, this is a touchy subject. So focus on yourself, focus on your healing first because usually your relationships are a mirror in some way shape or form, so work on yourself. And one thing to share with your partner is like, you can start the conversation like, hey, this isn't meant to be to make you uncomfortable, I would just really like to start exploring this but there's no expectation, okay? So I think taking expectations off the table really help somebody or saying; hey, let me know if you feel uncomfortable but if they really are, then you need to just work on yourself, okay?

So seeking help, seeking guidance, looking researching, starting small healing that chain, talking to somebody that like talk to me, talk to your friend, talked to, maybe go to a club, or like online, there's lots of people, maybe you could just talk to them it could be as small as like, if you follow, I'm just gonna say like, look up some sex podcast or like sex with Emily or something like that and they have like fun posts and you could like write in you could share something, anonymously, like sharing anonymously or sharing with somebody really helps healing, I know, it sounds so easy, but just do it.

So one of the things that I did was share with my brother like sexual shame from my past that I was scared to share and I said, hey, I'm not looking for you to feel sorry for me, I don't know this is just something that's in my heart that I felt like I wanted to share and get out and off my chest and I shared this experience that happened to me and I said, I'm just looking for you to listen and then I shared it, he's like, oh dang, Tia like, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry, you went through that. And so I had a safe space, but this could be a professional, this could be a friend, this could be somebody you met on Facebook, this could be a like your therapist, that's why I do believe in professional help is because they're there, they can and listen to you. So yeah, it seems like it's all going to the same like trend.

Michael: Yeah. Well, I think that so much of life is hate to say it but repetitive because the truth is the sum of these things work really well and in really practical, is a learning how to use your voice in this, especially in this kind of conversation is incredibly important and yes, it's going to be uncomfortable at times, and yes, it may even be scary but when you're in support of connection with people, shame and guilt, like, that's something that honestly, in my experience is just something in your head. Right now, you'll find that as you express it and you talk to people and you go through this conversation and even through the motions of it, that people are there to be supportive of you. Now, if they're not, you may need to be considering whether or not that person belongs in your life; do they have the space and are they the right person? Do they have the capacity to even have these conversations? Because sometimes the reality is that person may not be who you need in your life right now and that's a hard conversation has but you know what? I find that typically the hard conversations are the right conversations. Tia, before I ask you my last question, can you tell everybody where they can find you?

Tia: Yes, I have a podcast, I talk about taboo, topics, I talk about sex confidence, shame wild events. So if you want to like explore this and start hearing stories and people talking about this, but you are not alone and there's some crazy stories and women sharing their shame and how they got through it. So I think you'll hear a lot of practical ways and that will make you not feel so weird. Also, check me out sexybizbabe on everything, that's my name AKA sexy Biz babe and I'm on Instagram probably the most Clubhouse, all the things. And yeah, just one last thing is doing it with the fear, do these things, feel the fear and do it anyways, that's the thing. All these things that I've done, I am fearful, I'm not afraid and I do it anyways, and it starts getting easier.

Michael: Yeah, I'm a huge proponent of that, I tell people all the time, like, I'm scared every time I get on stage, every time I record a podcast, every time I coach people, every time I write a book, every time I get on an airplane, like there's always fear, but what are you going to do about it? You only get one opportunity at this thing that we call life and I don't know about you, but I don't want to die with regrets. So thank you so much for being here, my last question for you, my friend is, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

Tia: You can learn from your trauma; you can learn from your mistakes, you can learn from whatever life throws at you and instead becoming broken and her and not moving on, you take it as a lesson and you learn from it. And if you keep getting thrown the same thing, that means you need to heal from it and that will help you become unbroken, you'll notice as you go through, really hard trials and tribulations that you get stronger and things get easier. So that is what I would say being unbroken is just moving on and learning and getting stronger with time and with trauma, so that's what I would say.

Michael: I love it, powerful, my friend.

Unbroken Nation, thank you so much for listening.

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