E243: It's okay to not be okay | Trauma Healing Coach

You don't have to be okay all the time.

What's up, Unbroken Nation! Hope that you're doing well, wherever you are in the world today. I was thinking about this, you hear this all the time “it's okay not to be okay” yeah, that's true. Sometimes you're going to have a bad fucking day. Sometimes you're going to have days where you just don't want to show up, you don't want to do anything, you want to eat a bag of chips, lay on the couch, get stoned, play video games, do nothing.

Sometimes, it's okay not to be okay. But you have to ask yourself, who do I need to be today to have the life that I want to have? And not being okay as a part of the Human Experience because trust me, I promise you that there are days I wake up, I don't want to do this shit, I don't want to coach people, I don't want to write the next book, I don't want to make the next podcast, I don't want to speak on the next stage, I just want to lay in bed.

Now, you got to ask yourself a question. You've got to be willing to be nakedly honest with yourself and ask, are you okay? Like, do you need to take time off today? Like, do you need a day for you to not be okay to wallow to have that moment or you taking it easy on yourself or you procrastinating? Are you pushing away from what you need to do because it's uncomfortable?

You know, one of the really interesting things is when you get deeper into this idea of creating agency in your life, the ability to understand and choose who you are, that you have to measure the truth that for the most part, many of us and I include myself in this, we've never allowed been allowed to be as before. And so this whole journey is new to, this whole thing about figuring out who we are it's so uncomfortable and so awkward that the moment that it does get difficult, which I assure you, that it will like we push back, we run from it because it sucks because it's hurtful, because it's painful. And so what do we do? We revert to old behaviors, right? We hide from the moment and look if you're not okay because you know, there's tragedy in your life, that's one thing like we have to grieve, we have to be okay with the fact that we got to turn off. If you're sick, if you've got the vid, right? You need to take a moment and heal and recover. If you're going through hardship in your life, that is so insurmountable that you cannot function in the real world like, if it's that bad looking, trust me, I get it because I've been there and for some of us, it gets that bad. You've got a pause and go, I'm not okay, I need to remove myself from everything. Get internal and figure out where I am.

But ultimately, you have to ask yourself a question.

Am I showing up for myself today?

I remember one time when I was in the midst of kind of like this chaos of my life about five or six years ago. I remember having this moment is, like, I don't feel like doing this today and that this was a therapy session, I was like, I'm just going to cancel even though I have to pay, right? Because, you know, if you cancel on the same day, you got to pay, and I was like, no, I'm not going to go. And then as I laid in the bed and the clock was ticking, I was getting closer and closer to my time. I was like, get your ass up and go because it's the one thing that you probably need to do today, to go in there and complain and be mad at the world and be angry and work through this shit because that's the truth, sometimes it's okay to be mad at the world and angry, but you got to keep going.

Here's what's going to happen if you’re not okay.

Eventually, you've got to come out of it and I think a lot of times the people who do not come out of it or who take 7 years like I did or 25 or longer I probably took longer, to be honest with you, is that you get trapped in that? You're stuck and not being okay, so much that it's the only thing you know.

Think about this, when you look at the group of people, you surround yourself with, because this is a factor trust me with what I'm about to say I promise you this is true.

If you're around people who are always complaining, you're going to be a complainer.

If you're around people who are always blaming the world, you're going to blame the world.

If you're around people who are always playing the victim, you're going to play the victim.

I've seen that whole true in my life time and time again, it's that old adage of the sum total of the five people you spend the most time with, and that's a reflection on you. And in those moments of not being, okay, like how do those people support you? Right? Are they telling you, no, it's fine? So it's okay, lay in bed all day, watch TV for day or two that makes sense. I get it. I was there November, I was like, fuck this, I'm not doing anything, I'm laying in bed all day, I'm not doing any was on the couch so I can lay on the couch all day, I'm not doing anything, leave me alone, just I'm disconnected from the world. I was not okay in that moment.

And sometimes you have to give yourself that day, but then I started asking myself, when I woke up the next day, I said, do I need this again today? The answer was no. And I think for a lot of people, the answer is no. The answer is, I don't need this again today, I need to keep moving forward but we get so trapped in the idea that being sad, anxious, lonely, depressed, whatever it is, has to last forever. And I've been all of those things we want to be very clear. I've been in those situation, been in those moments and in that you have to say, you know, if I'm in every single day, am I really living?

Most people are depressed and anxious because they aren't doing the thing to take care of their life, that's different from sadness, from grief, from being hurt, from being stricken, or heartbroken it's very different, right?

And on those days, I mean, one of the worst heartburn things you can experience, is heartbreak. One of the worst things you can experience is death and it's gonna suck for a while and you may need to be disconnected for a few days a week month, even right? But you're going to have to come back around to reality because the world still goes forward whether or not you are in it, it's going forward, we are always in momentum.

Think about this for a moment.

Right now in real time, as you listen to this, you are in movement, even if you're sitting perfectly still, even if you're laying down, your cells are in movement, your body is in movement, the world is in movement, the universe is in movement, and you must continue to move forward.

In those moments after you recognize that it's okay to move forward, you know, we get stuck in these narratives of determining who we are based on the experiences around as we say, this is us, this is who I am, I am this person. You know, when you start using language like that, it's very dangerous to go, I am depressed, I am anxious, I am sad.

But think about this, what if you use words like, I am excited, I am energetic, I am happy, I am like even I can't even not smile saying it, right? Because your brain, like, even in real time I feel my body changing just by changing the words that I'm using and you can take that energy and you can go and put it into your life to get yourself up and out and into what is next. There's always room for sadness. There's always room for grief and hurt because that's the way the world works and we're fucking human beings and you got to own that shit. But there comes a point in time, I think, I'm getting too because this is what my experience was there's a point in time, in which you're going have to say to yourself. All right, let's go, I was not okay for a while, and that's okay.

I was not okay for a few days, that's fine.

I was in a bad place for a couple days, got it.

And then get your ass up and go.

Go back into life. Go back into whatever that thing is that excites you and fires you up, get off a social media, get off the TV, get off the news and get into what it is that brings you happiness, and fulfillment.

One of the greatest things that you can do in those moments of down, is to go and serve and go and help other people, and go be a light for other people in the darkness, because guess what, you might be the person that they need today.

You showing up, you being okay with getting back to your life, could be something life-changing for someone else and that's a thing that you have to take into consideration. When you're going through this process every single day there's gonna be that bad days, there's gonna be good days, there's going to be man kind of in the middle kind of days, right? But can you still show up? Can you still follow through? Because look, think about this, I'll tell you a secret I guess it's not a secret I put in my book I don't know why for is it that way. My therapist about five years ago I was in this really fucking bummed out place in my life real bummed out, I was just mad about everything just upset, I was hurt, I was just so tired of therapy, I was so tired of Wednesday afternoons and Monday mornings and spending all my time and money in these therapist’s office and EMDR, CBT, group therapy, men's Group therapy, trauma-informed just doing all the managers fucking tired. And I was like, man, I think I'm depressed, I never actually used those words before and he looks at me, he goes, you know, you can be depressed and still tend your garden. You can be depressed and still tend your garden.

I was like, damn. So profound even at this moment like damn because that means you can still show up, it's not that you can't be emotional, it's not that you can't be sad, it's not that you can't even fucking be depressed but you can still show up. You can still live your life. You can go to that class, read that book, do that thing you said you were going to do, be around those family, be around those friends, be around the people that bring energy and life into you. You don't have to be by yourself. You don't have to be ostracized.

Here's one of the things that I think is so fucked up about especially Western Society.

You know, will be in the worst mood ever just having a shit day we'll go see family, will go see friends, will go to do the thing and people like how you do and you're gonna be like, I'm great, no, you're not, why are you lying? People know around me like if I'm not having a good time like today sucks. What's up? Let's get it done. Today I'm not having a great day, let's go to the basketball game. Yeah, I'm in a fucking dark mood today, let's go to the gym. I don't want to talk to you, I'm upset, okay, cool, let's get coffee but that's what it's about.

Think about this.

Why the fuck do you only do shit when you're happy?

You know I'm saying like if you ever thought about that for a second, why people only do shit when they're happy, that's so stupid, it makes no sense to me because it's like to me it would be like when you're happy, then you would only ever do happy stuff and when you're sad, you would only ever do sad stuff like it doesn't make sense not copacetic to the Human Experience. You've got to be happy about the happy things, sad about the sad things, and be able to navigate the in between, and the day-to-day, because you're still moving, time is not stopping, because we're having bad days.

Projects and goals don't stop getting reach because we don't want to show up today. Right? And there's a level in this and look. I know it's uncomfortable to hear and talk about because it's fucking uncomfortable for me sometimes. You know, this morning 6 a.m. the alarm went off and I was just like, wow, I did not get up before my alarm today, that's so rare in my life and just being like, fuck, I guess, I should go back to bed and grabbing my phone and for a millisecond turning back towards that direction and thinking about to go in that room and just being like, no, absolutely not you have to show up today.

Momentum is everything in life.

You have to keep going.

You have to keep creating.

You have to keep meeting with people.

You have to go to the lunch and coach your team and have conversations and coach your clients and finished the book funnel and have the podcast and do the whole. You got to keep going, not having the best day ever.

I woke up on the wrong side of the fucking bed that's how this works sometimes, but that doesn't mean you can't show up. I'm okay with the fact that I'm an honorary mood today. I’m okay, the fact I'm fired up today and I'm a little bit pissed off at the world. For no reason other than this is how I woke up, but I'm also okay, with the fact that I changed my energy because how I woke up, isn't where I'm at right now, I'm okay with the fact that I was able to sit here and be like, you know what, go and be of service, go lead your team, have the conversations, move your body, go to the lunch you said you were going to do.

One of the things that I used to be very, very good at when I was in a mood, when I was a certain way and I had something scheduled on the calendar, I would cancel it. I don't do that anymore. If it's on there, I could be, I mean, now let's be for real obviously, there's context or someone in my family or my friend died, I'm not going to fucking lunch with you, right? But outside of that, I'm showing up, I'm keeping my commitments, because that matters, right? Because guess what? Not everybody's going to have.

Most people probably are not having the best day of their life today, but some people are. And so what you think about that and you're like, I'm gonna show up anyway, even though I'm not okay like that is such a huge win, it's such a huge win because it means that you are in control of your life, it means that you're doing the thing that you said you were going to do. And so it's okay to not be okay, some days I'm not, it's fine. But that doesn't mean you can't shift your energy, show up, anyway, and still lead yourself to be the person that you want to be. And on some days you got to lay in the fucking couch and eat gummy bears and watch cartoons, because that my friend is the Human Experience.

Thank you so much, Unbroken Nation.

I appreciate you.

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And Until Next Time.

My friends, Be Unbroken.

-I'll see you.