E321: Are You Creating Chaos in your life | Mental Health Coach

I was thinking about this today reflecting on my past – my personal past, my experiences of life, reflecting on how often in the past I was choosing to create chaos in my life.

What's up, Unbroken Nation! Hope that you're doing well wherever you are in the world today my friends. Let me ask you this question, are you actively creating chaos in your life?

And what I mean by that is I want you to think about your behaviors, your patterns and also the things that you find that you're susceptible to, the things that you typically will leverage when in an environment that's unsettling, when you are putting yourself in a position of doing old behaviors. You ever pause and just really ask yourself why?

Think about the style relationship you're in or career you’re in or friendships that you have are. Those somehow reminiscent of childhood of your past, of growing up. We learn from model behavior and then if you take that into consideration you really sit in that one of the things that you know to be true is that most of the things that you learn, you learn from someone else.

You know, you hear people say there's no original ideas anymore that might be true, I mean there's like eight billion of us and we've been around for a very, very long time of wouldn't it be surprise if there wasn't some legitimacy to that. And so, if you take that into consideration and you believe that that's true at least to some extent that means all the information that you're bringing in; you're bringing in from another party, from another source, from another experience, one that you model yourself after because especially in youth when you are processing and making meaning of circumstances you say oh, this is probably the way that this works. And so, because this is probably the way that this thing works, relationships, money, friendships, the way you communicate, the way that you act and carry yourself, the way that you dress, everything to some extent is modeled. You are looking at the world and you're saying, okay this is what I think the world is, I'll give you a perfect example of this…

Growing up, my mother and my step father screamed at each other, all the time. My mother screamed at me, my grandmother screamed at me sometimes teachers screamed at me, now that might have been my fault but in general there were a lot of yelling and a lot of screaming all the time and all the environments. And so, when you think about modeling and making meaning of those experiences that you have, the thing that comes to mind is well that learned behavior begins to see itself into my psyche, to my narrative and to my understanding of the way that this is the way that the world works and because of that, I then used that, same information to now communicate.

You know if I look at my first relationships actually, I'll even go back further, I'll look at the way I communicated with my brothers, all I did was yell at them, get massively upset over nothing. I mean you know it's funny all laugh sometimes or some of the stories that we share with each other, I'm just like I don't even understand, that's feasible, how it's even plausible that I behave that way. Well, now I understand of course looking at the situations that lead through that into that. So, we would yell at each other all the time and we're kid eight, nine, ten years old, well that's how he started communicating with friends we yell at them.

Never forget one of the conversations I had with one of my best friends just be rating him, it was vicious and that's how I did and that's how relationships were yelling, screaming. My first girlfriend and all we did was yell at each other because guess what? Her parent yelled at her too and so that was her communication style and more so there was a lot of hitting and so, she would hit me all the time and that was her communication style. And so, again here we are, learn behavior and then you stay in that for a very long time and that could be in that immediate relationship and those immediate friendships and then you find out that maybe that doesn't work and then that's for ten years you're still not saying behavioral pattern, well at one point you're going to have to sit and think and look at the behaviors that have structured and helped you understand your life or often the very behaviors that are hindering you from creating the life that you want to have. What does that mean really? Well, it means effectively you well whether it's consciously or subconsciously are choosing to create chaos in your life. And chaos to me is this thing where life is not only just out of control to an extent but it's daunting and painful and unfulfilling and not joyful and you're just constantly in this place of like ugh, I hate life, everything around me sucks, everybody sucks miserable. Well, what I had to come to realize and what I think unfortunately a lot of people in this journey have to come to realize is you might just be a culprit in your own chaos and that was me. Not only in this yelling them, using this as an example because it's kind of an easy one, I think a lot of people can relate. And so, in my mid-twenties when I started this healing journey, I noticed I was still communicating that way and I was paying attention to it and more so is paying attention to the aggravation and the frustration that I would have, they're are these days in these moments where just the smallest thing would drive me over the edge, I mean most people who know me now probably can't really fathom that. I what say stoic but I am generally calm, I stay away from drama as much as humanly possible even though of course like anyone I seem to introduce it on the occasion and I'm very melodical but in the way that I think about the world, it's kind of being even killed that's a better use of a word here. Because of that, I'm able to navigate the world without introducing chaos that is detrimental because I think there can kinda be like this good chaos where you're moving towards a lot of different things that once in trying different things and you're pushing yourself and you’re learning like, I think that's a very different chaos than like a detrimental chaos that's destroying your life.

When I'm in this turning point and I'm sitting and I'm realizing for the first time, wait a second, so, what is actually happening in my life –  yelling, screaming, getting frustrated and nothing, fighting, being in debt, being overweight, drinking myself to sleep, smoking two packs a day, lying to people, getting fired from jobs, ruining friendship, getting cars, being massively in debt, stealing things, I mean I can keep going if you wanna know all the terrible things about the existence of my twenties. And as I sat one day reflecting on these, I could not help but think like this was my fault. I'm the one who put myself here and this became really interesting to started thinking about it more and even when I was still doing a lot of these things, I still was thinking like, wait a second, I think I'm doing this. It was maybe in that like pre contemplation phase, you know what I mean, where you're just kind of like a think this doesn't make sense, a think this is wrong, you're still not solidified, it hasn't really come to pass that you've made meaning of it in a practical way that's going to impact your life for the better, you're not there yet, that's kind of when I was sitting and trying to look at these behaviors and be like, why do I keep doing this?

You know, I wrote in the first book it was like standing side of a house that was on fire and I was the one holding the matches because that's very much what it was. And so, one day was thinking about the introduction of chaos, I was thinking about creating pain and suffering in my life by my own choices, by my own devices, by my own lack of will, I mean I really had no will to do anything in my life for very long time it was like, what the fuck is a point? I don't have any confidence, nobody believes in me, nobody cares, my parents abandoned me, my mom is a drug addict who cut my finger off, my step dad that'd beat the crap out of me, I was homeless as a kid and it was just like, I'm looking at all these things and I was like fuck it, what is the point of any of this? This is so, why?

I think a lot of people listening maybe even you have had that experience we're just like why? And then you kinda sit in the chaos and you're like well this feels comfortable, it reminds me a home, right? That's a real fucked up truth, where you're like destroying myself reminds me of home, putting myself in mental, emotional, physical, spiritual pain reminds me of home, right? And as I sat in that and I came to that realization and I was noticing and I was in this pre contemplation. I started thinking about like what if I just didn't do the thing that I was already doing? What if I wasn't the arbiter of the chaos and the pain of the suffering of my life? What if maybe I could just sit with it, acknowledge it, look at it say yes, I've made these mistakes instead of destroying myself over it which so many of us do? What if I just pause and I looked and I went alright so, I did that, what is that mean? Right?

You know, here's what I heard this interesting quote.

I was watching that show billions and there's a line in it where I'll butt it because it's vague but basically what they said was, you know men aren't good all the time even though they happen to be great men, that was kind of the throw of it. And I was thinking about that and I was like you know, I'm not good all the time and a lot of the reason I'm not is because of the decisions that I'm making in the things that I'm introducing into my own life. But I feel like, I can be great, I just don't know how to do it yet because this feels like home to be destructive, to be self-deprecating in this drastically painful way to hurt people, to hurt myself, to do all the things that felt like the comfort I was introducing it. And there's a reconciliation in that then I think most people miss out on that they neglect to really pay attention to. You're going to have to give yourself a little bit of freedom to acknowledge like, you done some fucked up shit, maybe you're acting just like your dad or your mom was and that's comfortable, maybe you're in debt because you saw your family in debt in that felt comfortable, maybe in a volatile relationship because you witness volatile relationships and you think that's the way that it's supposed to be. But inside of you there's something that says wait, I don't necessarily believe that to be true, well that's that space of pre contemplation and I think that's a really powerful space to be in because when you sit in that space and you ask yourself, is this what I want? Is this what I want? Do I want this life of pain of suffering, of hurt, of debt, of loss, of anger, of frustration, of sorrow, of guilt, of judgment? Is that really what I want? And there's a lot of people who will hear this right now and again you may be one of them because I certainly as fuck was and I'm like, you don't get it, you don't understand what I've been through, I don't, we're not the same person, you don't understand when I've been through. I never met anyone else whose mom cut their finger off, never met another kid who was homeless like me and my brothers were, never met another kid who went through a lot of this and I'm not saying those people don't exist and passing I've met people who've had some pretty tragic fucking things happen so, I don't know your story.

And it won't compare because it doesn't matter, your story has nothing to do with me, my story has nothing to do with you, what we can do is inspire each other, we can help lead each other but we can't really ever compare, it's always gonna be different and that's just how it is.

And so, if you're one of those people listening to this right now and you're like, you don't get it, everything so difficult, everything's hard, yeah, sometimes a fucking is, sometimes life was really fucking hard, sometimes life is really fucking difficult, sometimes you cry yourself to sleep and sometimes you wanna punch the wall and you wanna scream out the world, okay, yeah, so what are you gonna do about it? Because at certain points in this journey in this life in this thing that we're doing, you have to face the truth like you are a fucking playing a role, you are playing a role in this journey and it's really easy to be avoid of that because it is a painful recognition.

One of the worst days of my life I'll never forget this, I don't think I've ever shared this story.

When I was like twenty-five, I went to lunch with my ex-girlfriend and across from us was sitting the man that she was having an affair with, I don't know if she has to be married, to have an affair but she was cheating with him and long and behold they end up getting married on my birthday and having kids. And I remember in the moment being like you know, when you have that feeling some things just off and I thought to myself is my fault, I did this because of the way that I was.

And then I remember another conversation with one of my brothers who said, don't talk to me you're not my brother, you're just strange, I'll never forget it. I was in the gym, I just kinda started getting into this shit, I was like twenty-seven years old and I called him and we're on the phone and he was like, we're not brothers you're just a guy now and I was fucking devastated by that and I sat with that and I was like, yep, I did this, my decisions brought me to this place. And I remember when my car got repo, I mean I had this gorgeous red Cadillac and I could not afford it because I was wasting all my money on going to bars and drinking and cigarettes and fast food and was not taking care of myself and you know, I seen my mom's car get repo, so on a grandma's car repo, yeah, normal, right? And as they drove away with it because I couldn't pay the bills and the collectors kept calling and one of them like called my sister I was like, I fucking did this, this is my fault. And then when I got sick, when I was like twenty-nine, I got this bacterial infection because I was drinking all the fucking time, I went to the doctor; Doctor was like your liver enzymes are fucked up, doctor didn't say that I would love to find a doctor that talk like that actually. And so, that doctor tells me that and I'm sitting there and in real time, I'm like oh cool, I'm gonna die by time, I'm thirty, great, this is my fault.

So, why am I telling you all these things right now?

It's not because I want you to feel sorry for because trust me, I don't feel sorry for me, look at this and I go cool, lesson learned, iteration real time and growth through the decisions, choices, understanding that we make and because of that here I am and the reason that I'm telling you this is because I want you to sit and ask yourself this question… are you the one creating chaos in your life?

Is the reason why your life is fucking upside down right now because of the lack of decisions that you are making to change that?

And it's a hard truth my friends, it is a hard truth because it's a baseball bat to the fucking face and it is a wakeup call for so many people and that was my experience. Sitting in all these conversations time and time and time again about the lack of responsibility, the lack of accountability, the lack of decision making, the lack of choices, the lack of using my values, the lack showing up off authentically, the lack of boundaries, put me in these situations. This is the thing I always want people to understand like, it's not a beat down, this isn't an accusation, this isn't like a witch hunt, this isn't a trial, this is simply an acknowledgment. Can you acknowledge the truth of your reality? Can you acknowledge the truth of the decisions that you've made in your life that have led you to where you are right now? It doesn't mean beating yourself up, right?

I'll be the first one to admit yeah, I fucking totally beat myself up over a lot of those things and to some extent I felt like, I needed to because I knew better, right? It was like, if you're consciously aware and yourself sabotaging which I was and you've heard me say this before, if you are aware and you know that yourself sabotaging you're making decisions, right? And so, yeah, was there a little bit of kicking myself in my ass? Yeah, but I had to because there wasn't anybody else around to do it.

My therapist sure us fuck wasn't doing it then I hadn't yet gotten a coach so, I didn't have them to be an anchor in this journey. And so, I had to light a fire for myself and that's the thing you have to contemplate right now.

When you ask yourself this question, are you the one creating chaos in your life? If the answer is yes, then you're making a decision.

You don't have to be in debt, you don't have to be in a bad relationship, you don't have to yell and scream and fight, you don't have to have siblings that hate you, you don't have to have a battle liver, you don't have to have all of these things, you don't have to but you might be choosing to and you can choose the opposite but you have to be willing to make that decision.

So, ask yourself the question…

Am I the one creating the chaos in my life?

I look at my life now there's no chaos, I don't yell at people, I don't scream, I have a better relationship with my siblings, my liver seems to be doing a good job, I just got done running a marathon, I'm process of another really in physical activity right now, I’ve built better relationships, better friendships, have I had my fall downs, have I fucked up, have a hurt people, have a broken bonds and trust and honesty and relationships and hurts? Yeah. I have and that is a part of the journey, it's part of the iteration of going fuck, okay, cool, I learned something, I figured something out, let me understand why that happened, let me understand how I was able to do so well for so long and then fall back, right?

One of the things if you go back to early episodes of this show, I always used to talk about is this journey is this process of learning and when you learn something you adapt it and then when you adapt it the space and gap and time between reverting the old behavior patterns grows and it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and then eventually one day you'd be like, I made this mistake all the time and now I haven't done it in fifteen years, right?

I have a great friend, I won't say their name, I'll ask them permission to because I wanna share the depths of this story. But basically, what happened is they were an AA and they'd been sober for a long time and then they weren't sober again and that long time was like fifteen years and then they weren't sober again and then they had to start over. But they started over with more information, they started over with a better understanding of who they were, they started over with the understanding that they had introduced the chaos to their life again but they had done so because of an event that had happened. And today, they're like twenty years, I wanna say twenty-one years sober again this person's quite older than me but there's someone I woke up to someone I trust. And so, that's why I'm not using their name because I don't know if they want me to publicly share this information but my point in that is like, even people like me and people who mentor me and people who are leaders and everyone that you know on planet earth, we fall back, we make mistakes, we introduce chaos again, right? But when you step into acknowledging it, looking at it and addressing it, you can remove it so much faster; so much faster than the way it used to be. And my hope is that you'll get honest with yourself, just nakedly and painfully honest because a lot of times we just sit around we lie ourselves all day, this is fine, you've seen that meme of like the house on fire and I think it's like a puppy or a cat or something and they're like this is fine, that's your fucking life, when you are unwilling to acknowledge that you may be the cause and solution to all your problems.

I wanna let you know the book think unbroken is for free right now.

For eBook if you go to book.thinkunbroken.com I wanted to make it free the eBook. If you wanna buy the book you're welcome too, I don't care but I wanted to make the book free because you know, it's heading three years, we're have through year anniversary here soon which is like mind boggling to me and I want to be free because my mission is to give people tools. So, if you go to book.thinkunbroken.com you'll be able to check it out and as you know of course there's no ads or sponsors on this show it's only Think Unbroken.

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Appreciate you, my friends.

Thank you, Unbroken Nation!

Thank you for listening, thank you for being a part of this, thank you for choosing to take chaos out of your life.

And Until Next Time.

My friends, Be Unbroken.

I'll see you.