E95 How to take your power back from narcissistic abuse | Mental Health Podcast
In this episode, I talk about how to take your power back from narcissistic abuse, and I want to share with you that it was a real big part of my journey, and that was learning how to take my life back in control.
Learn more about https://www.ThinkUnbrokenPodcast.com
In this episode, I talk about how to take your power back from narcissistic abuse, and I want to share with you that it was a real big part of my journey, and that was learning how to take my life back in control.
Learn more about https://www.ThinkUnbrokenPodcast.com
Support the Podcast: Become a listed sponsor!
Follow me on Instagram @MichaelUnbroken
Learn more about coaching at https://coaching.thinkunbroken.com
Get your FREE copy of my #1 Best-Selling Book Think Unbroken: https://book.thinkunbroken.com/
Hey! What's up, my friends! Hope that you're doing well. Wherever you are in the world today. Super excited to be back here with you for another episode of the podcast.
I was thinking about something today that I want to share with you that was a real big part of my journey and that was learning how to take my life back in control. And in this process, some of the things that I've learned and discovered in it, we as trauma survivors, often have parents who are narcissistic, who groom us, who control us, who put this in this place of being a meshed that leads us to our adulthood and a place in which we cannot figure out how to control our lives. Part of this is what you have to understand is, as an adult we have been for lack of a better term brainwashed by our narcissistic parents and narcissistic people in general and other variations of general people not to just pigeonhole, any particular kind of a person into this place, where we don't know how to say, no. Where we don't know how to say yes, where we don't know how to live life on our terms.
Growing up, one of the things that I always experienced was not only my mother, my stepfather, and my grandmother, the direct people who I would consider being the adults in my life for whatever word that you can define as we're always doing whatever they could to get me to bend to their will. Now I think to some aspect and I don't have children but I would have to believe that to some aspect you have to set your children up for success, by teaching them and helping them understand what is wrong, what is right, how to go about their daily life, how to understand the world, and how they should function as a human being?
Now that obviously was not the case scenario for many of us, that was not my case scenario, and because of that, what I found myself in was a situation in which I was not allowed to use my voice, I wasn't allowed to trust my intuition, I wasn't allowed to make decisions for myself and I found myself even as an adult limiting what I was capable of doing, because of the narrative in the self-belief that they had, instilled in me. When you think about this idea about being groomed, what it really means, and this is my interpretation of it is that someone is creating a framework in your life to force you to understand the person that you should be as opposed to giving you the space to explore the person that you could be. What do I mean by this? You know, I remember, once when I was young, I wrote my first book, I've mentioned this before, and, you know, you, I was like, nine years old and it was a vampire romantic comedy hilarious like it was super funny, it's probably still funny, I wish I still had it but my mother found it and she destroyed it. And I'm sure the story briefly before, but what I didn't understand then was not only the impact of the things that she was telling me that I could or shouldn't do, but the impact of understanding all the situations in which she was setting me up, as well as my stepfather, and my mother to bend myself to there will. Part of being groomed is getting put in this position in which I hate to use this word but I don't have a better way to phrase it where we stop thinking for ourselves thus this idea of being brainwashed and so every time that you try or attempt to move towards the things that you want in your adulthood you're often stuck or controlled.
One of the biggest things in this was my experience with my grandmother was doing things for her even though we're not to the benefit of me, and this was a multitude of things I won't get into the details, but you probably have had these experiences. I posted something on Instagram, probably, two weeks ago and I said, for some of you, your parents are in the way of your success in life, and that is because often your parents are mirroring their failed attempts at creating the life that they want to have down onto you, and then telling you that you don't deserve to have the life that you want or worse what is starting to happen is every time you move towards the things that you do want in your life, they come back and they guilt trip you or they shame you or they tell you they're going to leave you. And one of the experiences that I had with my grandmother, she would always just go into this fit about how sick she was and how it was my fault, and if I left or if I did this, or I did that, she would get worse. And the truth about it, and what we have to understand as trauma survivors, who have dealt with narcissistic parents like this, people who intentionally gaslight us, or even unintentionally because I do believe that some people actually don't even understand what they're doing because their parents did it to them and their parents did it to them is that when you are trying to step into your life, it's much more difficult to do so because you automatically have been set up for failure by your parents because they have told you who you should be. And then when you try to move through that into the person that you want to be, then comes the guilt trip, then comes the gaslighting, then comes the well you don't love me, you don't care about me and I'm your mother, I'm your father, you have to do this, bend over backward for me and then the whole list keeps going and I think about these small incremental moments as a child in which I wasn't allowed to do the things that I wanted to do, without filling a tremendous amount of shame and guilt, being laid upon me from my parents, from my community, from my grandmother, right?
And so what happened is I’ll step into my adulthood I started thinking about this idea of control. I've shared this before at 14 years old, I put a restraining order on my mother and my stepfather because I just needed them out of my life. My grandmother had adopted me at the time, but there was still this part where my mother would call me all the time. And this was back in the day when we had my space and she would message me on MySpace if you know what that is, and if you don't it was like a social media platform and she would send letters and notes and in every one of them, she would blame me for all of the misgivings and her life, all the things that happened would be my fault. And so at 14, I was like, okay, I'm going to end this right now because I see the direction this is going.
At 18, I made a more difficult decision and I told my mother, I would never talk to her again and that held true because I looked at my life I looked at the potential future I could have and I will tell you right now and I can't there's no time machine, I don't know, I don't have a measurement for it, but I feel very strongly had I not made that decision to cut off the relationship with my narcissistic mother, I would not be here talking to you today. And then in my early 20s, I had to make the same decision with my grandmother, which was incredibly difficult because in part, she is the person that raised me and I'm not saying there wasn't love involved in this because, obviously, there was, but I had to think about what was happening in my life, being a biracial kid, being raised by a racist white woman who even into my late teens and 20s would not allow me to step into any capacity of my ethnicity became this, really this huge precursor for me having an identity crisis and I knew but every single time I wanted to move towards being the person that I wanted to be, she would guilt me. I didn't raise you to be this way.
And we're talking about simple things, I remember, I was listening like Will Smith and of all the rappers on planet Earth, Will Smith is probably the least intimidating, right? Probably the one that you want your kid to listen to and she's like I didn't raise you to listen to this music, right? Being hip-hop, being cultured music, being people of color amusingly, anything like even one time I was listening into this like mixtape in Spanish and she's like, you don't do that in this house. And in every time that I tried to move towards that, there was some kind of shame or guilt from the clothes that I wore, to the hats that I wore, to the way that I spoke, to the things that I was reading or watching, there was always this thing about, I'm not showing up to their expectations of who I should be.
Now when I made these decisions to eliminate, don't say eliminate, that's the wrong word, I'm not like it's not taking, I don't fucking know of them.
When I made the decision to remove them from my life, it was predicated on the understanding that I had to take control back. One of the things that we have to understand about people, who gaslight us, who guilt trips us, who shame us, is that they are trying to have control over us, and if we want freedom, if we want independence, we have to remove ourselves from that. And sometimes, unfortunately in probably the harder part of this conversation is that you have to cut off all ties.
Now, that's the worst-case scenario. I think the precursor that is, can you have the conversation? Can you sit down and say, hey, I don't like what is happening here, I'm no longer going to allow you to control or dictate any part of my life. Who I date, who I hang out with the clothes I wear, the music I listened, to the food I eat, ad nauseam, all of it up, up top to bottom just getting super clear and concise and saying you don't get a say in any of this.
And I'll tell you this as you do this and this was my experience where I felt it the heaviest, was just this inundation of guilt and shame because I'm your mother, I'm your grandmother, these are your parents and this is your family so on and so forth. And it came down, it was like this rain upon me and in that, I understood something, and this is what I want you to understand. When people try to control you and you take your control back, the number one thing that they want to do is to belittle you and make you feel small, so that you believe that the only way you are going to be capable of succeeding in life is by giving your control back to them.
And so in this what I want you to think about as you're dealing with relationships and it does not necessarily have to be a parent, this applies to anyone in your life who is trying to control you, who's taking away your capacity, to be the hero of your own story, anyone who was not in support of the view, is going to combat you, is going to fight you, is going to shame, you bring you down, say the nastiest shit to you, to make you feel small and belittled, so that they keep the power.
And the only way that you're going to move through this, is to stand up for yourself, say ‘no’, and do what you have to do to make sure that you step into freedom in your life.
And look, my friends. I'll tell you this, it's not easy, but it is necessary because your parents, your relationship, your partner, your job, your business, your career, everything around you, if there are people in your life who are pulling you down, ask yourself this question, ask yourself this question.
If every single day you had to walk into a room, and when you walked into that room, you got punched in the face. How many times would you walk into that room before you stopped?
And I know this is a hard question, I know that analogy, may at home for some people and may not for others, but at some point, you have to understand every single time that you allow them to take from you, you are giving them your power and until you put your boundaries in place and hold true to those boundaries, they are going to be in control and I believe that you have the ability to take your life back.
So thank you, my friend, for listening as usual. I appreciate you so much.
Please do me a favor, it means the world to me.
If you would leave a review, if you would subscribe, if you would comment, if you would share with a friend, someone who needs this today.
And Until next time.
My friend, Be Unbroken.
I'll see you.
Michael Unbroken
Coach
Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.
Listen On
Welcome to The Think Unbroken Podcast!
Here are some of my favorite recent guests!
A Warrior's Path to Overcoming PTSD | with Kelsi Sheren
In this powerful episode, Michael Unbroken interviews Kelsi Sheren, a Canadian combat veteran who served in Afghanistan. Kelsi shares her harrowing journey of struggling with PTSD, depression, and suicidal thoughts after witnessing... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/a-warriors-path-to-overcoming-ptsd-with-kelsi-sheren/
How to Face Fear and Achieve the Impossible | with James Lawrence
James shares the powerful mindset and resilience that enabled him to achieve these seemingly impossible challenges. See show notes below...
How to Find the Courage to Be Yourself | with Leila Hormozi
In this powerful episode, Michael Unbroken sits down with Leila Hormozi. Leila opens up about her traumatic childhood experiences of loneliness, neglect, and having an absentee mother struggling with addiction. She shares how a pivotal moment as a young girl …
Break Toxic Relationship Cycles | with Kel Cal
In this episode, special guest Kel Cal shares her personal journey of leaving an emotionally abusive marriage, overcoming childhood trauma, and reclaiming her power. Learn how... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/break-toxic-relationship-cycles-with-kel-cal/#shownotes
From Addict to Healer | with Brandon Novak
Michael Unbroken delves into addiction, redemption, and self-love with guest Brandon Novak.... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/from-addict-to-healer-with-brandon-novak/#show-notes
The Journey to Self-Love and Personal Growth | with David Shands
Welcome to the Think Unbroken Podcast, where Michael dives deep into insightful conversations with extraordinary individuals like David Shands.... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/the-journey-to-self-love-and-personal-growth-with-david-shands/#show-notes
How to Live with Survivors Guilt | with Cole Hatter
In this episode, I am joined by my guest Cole Hatter, a renowned thought leader and inspirational speaker... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/how-to-live-with-survivors-guilt-with-cole-hatter/#show-notes
Building Resilience and Unstoppable Confidence | with Stormy Wellingt…
In today's episode, I speak with Stormy Wellington a Spiritual Leader, Wellness Guru and Modern-Day Harriet Tubman... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/building-resilience-and-unstoppable-confidence-with-stormy-wellington/#show-notes
E106 Overcoming Addiction Through Yoga with Cole Chance
In this episode, we have a guest speaker Cole Chance. She is a yoga teacher, instructor, and educator who I've known for quite a long time, who actually played a pivotal role in my healing journey. We talk about her …
E109 The Power of Quitting with John Lee Dumas | CPTSD and Trauma Hea…
In this episode, we have a guest speaker, John Lee Dumas. He is an incredible human being, a former officer in the Army, entrepreneur, and host of the number one rated business podcast that I've had the privilege of being …
Letting Go of Shame and Embracing Self-Love with Andrea Ashley
In this powerful episode of the Think Unbroken Podcast, host Michael Unbroken sits down with Andrea Ashley, the host of the Adult Child Podcast, to discuss the journey of healing and self-love... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/letting-go-of-shame-and-embracing-self-love-with-andrea-ashley/#show-notes
Finding Home Within Yourself After Heartbreak with Najwa Zebian
In today's episode, I am joined by my guest – Najwa Zebian. Najwa is a bestselling author and activist who has written a powerful guide to building a home for your soul called "Welcome Home". Through their candid conversation... See …
Lesley Logan - Chasing Your Purpose | Trauma Healing Podcast
Join our FREE COMMUNITY as a member of the Unbroken Nation: How do you chase your purpose? We talk about how to chase your purpose. Living with purpose is about remembering why you started and living in a way that …
E358: 10-No BS lessons to be the HERO of your life with Lisa Bilyeu |…
In this episode of the Think Unbroken Podcast, Lisa Bilyeu shares how she kickstarted herself out of the mundane to become one of the most influential voices in the personal development world-and how you too can gain the confidence to …
E186: How I became Unbroken on 7 Hats | CPTSD and Trauma Healing Podc…
In this episode, I was recently on The Seven Hats Podcast, and I've never done this before, so this will be my first time on the show that I do anything like this. You're about to listen to an episode …
E131 Overcoming Trauma and Self-Sabotage with Iris McAlpin | CPTSD an…
In this episode, I sit down with my friend Iris McAlpin. Iris McAlpin is a certified trauma coach and NARM® Practitioner specializing in self-sabotage, eating disorder recovery, and complex trauma. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e131-overcoming-trauma-and-self-sabotage-with-iris-mcalpin-cptsd-and-trauma-healing-coach/#show-notes
E108 Who is Michael Unbroken
In this episode, I would love to share my back story with you. I'm going to include the preface to my book Think Unbroken Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma. This is a dive into my background, story, journey, and what's …
Erica Garza - One Woman’s Journey Through Sex and Porn Addiction | Tr…
Join us for FREE, Unbroken Conference at: Do women struggle with porn addiction? In this episode, I speak with Erica Garza the author of the memoir, Getting Off:... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/erica-garza-one-womans-journey-through-sex-and-porn-addiction-trauma-healing-coach/#show-notes
Jonas Kaplan - How Neuroscience Impacts your Beliefs, Identity, and S…
Today, you'll learn more about the foundational understanding of identity and beliefs and why we operate the way we do and look at how... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/jonas-kaplan-how-neuroscience-impacts-your-beliefs-identity-and-self-narrative-mental-health-coach/#show-notes
Dr. Laura Berman - Is your past standing in the way of self-love? Her…
In today's episode, I'm very excited to share with you Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship expert who has helped thousands of people over the years. And thousands and thousands of people learn some of the most practical tools …
E242: Suicide, incest, vulnerability, and kindness with Paul Gilmarti…
In this episode, I'm very excited to be back with you with another episode, and today's guest is Paul Gilmartin, the host of Mental Illness Happy Hour. If you've ever had thoughts about suicide, this is an episode that you …
E344: If You Want To FIND YOUR PURPOSE In Life with Jenna Kutcher | T…
Change is inevitable; it's as imminent as the moon, the tide, and the seasonal Starbucks menu; it's a rite of passage for all of us. Transformation is power, energy, and momentum. It keeps us moving forward. See show notes at: …
E50: Being a WARRIOR through childhood trauma with Anthony Trucks
In this episode, I speak with my friend, the unstoppable Anthony Trucks. Listen as we break down how to turn pain into triumph and why becoming the hero of your own story starts with making Shift Happen. Please Rate and …
Overcoming Trauma and Finding Hope: Personal Stories and Practical Ti…
Today, we delve into the journey of overcoming trauma and finding hope. I will share personal stories and offer practical tips for those who are struggling with their... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/watch-this-and-everything-will-change-trauma-healing-podcast/#show-notes
Exploring the Myth of Normal Mental Health with Dr. Gabor Maté
In this episode, we sit down with Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert in the field of addiction, stress and childhood development. Dr. Maté discusses the myth of "normal" mental health and how our society's narrow definition of what is …
Vishen Lakhiani - Letting go of Pain and Finding Forgiveness | Mental…
In this episode, I speak with amazing guest Vishen Lakhiani. He is an entrepreneur, author, and activist on a mission to raise human... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/vishen-lakhiani-letting-go-of-pain-and-finding-forgiveness-mental-health-podcast/#show-notes
E379: Moran Cerf - How LUCID dreaming can IMPACT mental health and tr…
On Today's Episode: I am joined by my guest Moran Cerf s a neuroscientist and business professor at the Kellogg School of Management and the neuroscience program at Northwestern University. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e379-moran-cerf-how-lucid-dreaming-can-impact-mental-health-and-trauma/#show-notes
Transform Your Life: 10 Innovative Ideas with Gino Wickman
Are you looking to make a change in your life but don't know where to start? Today, I am joined by my friend Gino Wickman as he shares 10 innovative ideas to help you take control and transform your life... …
Healing from Trauma with Dr. Mariel Buqué: Expert Insights and Strate…
In this episode, I speak with Dr. Mariel Buqué, a holistic psychologist & an intergenerational trauma expert. Join us as she shares her insights and strategies for healing from traumatic experiences and building resilience... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/healing-from-trauma-with-dr-mariel-buque-expert-insights-and-strategies/#show-notes
Navigating The Mental Health To Be a Multi-million Dollar Entrepreneu…
Today, we sit down with Amy Porterfield, an ex-corporate girl turned online marketing expert and CEO of a multi-million dollar business... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/navigating-the-mental-health-to-be-a-multi-million-dollar-entrepreneur-with-amy-porterfield/#show-notes
E203: How to Understand Addiction as a Trauma Survivor with Dr. Anna …
In this episode, I am excited to bring on Dr. Anna Lembke, one of the leading researchers and scientists on addiction on planet earth. She is a professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine and Chief of the …
E113 Jordan Harbinger on ending struggle through action | CPTSD and T…
In this episode, we have a guest speaker Jordan Harbinger. Jordan is a former corporate lawyer who became a master podcaster. Jordan lays out some of the most incredible and practical tools about what it means to create a change …
Navigating Trauma and Mental Health with Lori Gottlieb, a Psychothera…
In this episode, I speak with Lori Gottlieb, a licensed psychotherapist, as she delves into the complexities of trauma healing and mental health... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/navigating-trauma-and-mental-health-with-lori-gottlieb-a-psychotherapists-perspective/#show-notes
The Wisdom of Rabbi Steven Z. Leder: Living a Meaningful Life and Fac…
Today, we sit down with Rabbi Steven Z. Leder, Senior Rabbi of Wilshire Boulevard Temple, to discuss his journey to becoming a rabbi, and expert on death... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/the-wisdom-of-rabbi-steven-z-leder-living-a-meaningful-life-and-facing-the-reality-of-death/#show-notes
Dr. Uma Naidoo- Harvard Psychiatrist on how to use food and diet to h…
Join our FREE COMMUNITY as a member of the Unbroken Nation: How do you start healing your body with food? In this episode, I speak with amazing guest, Dr. Uma Naidoo, who is a Nutritional Psychiatrist. We talk about recognizing …
E346: The MINDSET of A ZEN Navy SEAL with Mark Divine | Mental Health…
About seven years ago, I listened to today's guest, Mark Divine, on Tom Bilyeu's Inside Quest. And I was immediately captivated, like I could not actually put into words the thoughts going through my head. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e346-the-mindset-of-a-zen-navy-seal-with-mark-divine-mental-health-coach/#show-notes
E299: The Miracle Mindset with Tim Storey | CPTSD and Trauma Healing …
In this episode, the number one celebrity coach on planet earth is about to have a conversation with us, Unbroken Nation. I am to announce and share with you that you are about to listen to none other than the …
Overcoming Addiction and Healing Trauma with Mike Diamond
Have you been personally impacted by addiction and trauma and are looking for actionable techniques to make a positive difference? This episode is for you!... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/overcoming-addiction-and-healing-trauma-with-mike-diamond/#show-notes
How to Think Unbroken - AlignCon keynote with Michael Unbroken
Join us for an inspiring episode of the Think Unbroken Podcast featuring a keynote speech by Michael Unbroken, a remarkable individual who defied all odds to achieve success... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/how-to-think-unbroken-aligncon-keynote-with-michael-unbroken/#show-notes
Transform Failure Into Success With Love with Ryan Pineda
In this episode, we have an inspiring guest speaker, Ryan Pineda, joining us to share his incredible story of turning failure into success through the power of love... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/transform-failure-into-success-with-love-with-ryan-pineda/#show-notes
The Secret for Abundance Mindset | with Chance Welton
Are you ready to unlock the secret to living an abundant life?... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/the-secret-for-abundance-mindset-with-chance-welton/#show-notes
Unleashing Personal Growth and Transformation with Ryan Zofay
In this episode, I interview Ryan Zofay, a successful entrepreneur and motivational speaker who has dedicated his life to teaching personal development strategies... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/unleashing-personal-growth-and-transformation-with-ryan-zofay/#show-notes
E325: Cleaning your Mental Mess with Dr. Caroline Leaf | Mental Healt…
In this episode, we have an amazing guest – Doctor Caroline Leaf, who has played a massive role in my personal healing journey over the years, someone that has been a voice that has helped me get to where I …
E369: Dr. Jud Brewer - end ANXIETY and WORRY today! | CPTSD and Traum…
What if I told you that anxiety and worry were emotional, behavioral habits that you can end through a simple three-step process. Jud Brewer. AKA Dr. Jud is a New York Times bestselling author and thought leader in the field …
E318: How to be happy and manifest the life you want with David Meltz…
In this episode, I speak with one of my great friends David Meltzer. David has spent the last vast majority of his life on a mission to help over one billion people be happy. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e318-how-to-be-happy-and-manifest-the-life-you-want-with-david-meltzer-mental-health-coach/#show-notes
Natalie Dawson - Finding Confidence and Courage | Trauma Healing Coach
How Do You Build Confidence in Yourself? Confidence can be a tough thing to build up. But today, we will talk about how to put together some handy tips to help you and be the hero... See show notes at: …
E157: Discovering who you are through fear with Dave Hollis | CPTSD a…
In this episode, I sit with my friend Dave Hollis and we talk about his journey to where he is today, you know, it's a really fascinating conversation and a story about not only facing your fear but what it …
E130 The Theory of Impact with Tom Bilyeu | CPTSD and Trauma Healing …
In this episode, we have a guest speaker Tom Bilyeu. Tom is someone I consider to be both a peer and a mentor who tremendously helped me in my journey – singularly, I can point to him and three other …
E125 Creating Success in your Life with Damon Burton | CPTSD and Trau…
In this episode, I speak with one of my very close friends, Damon Burton. Damon is a Forbes contributor and an Amazon best-selling SEO book author that helps you show up higher on Google… without paying for ads. See show …