Heal Your Inner Child to Break Childhood Trauma | with Gloria Zhang

 Hey, Unbroken Con. I'm so excited to be chatting with you guys about inner child healing and I gotta say you guys are in really good hands. Michael, Michael's one of the good ones, you know, I meet a lot of people on my podcast and he's one of the only people who actually bothered to stay in touch even after his interview, so you know, Michael is very much the real deal and I even bought a brand new camera just for this conference. So you guys are really in for treat. So what I would like to know, first of all is if you are someone who has been learning a lot from Unbroken Con. so far, please drop a yes in a chat, like I really wanna know how you guys are feeling about this conference so far, we just met with Lindsay before who gave us a really lots of great tools around, the nervous system and regulation and so many great speakers, yes, yes, yes. From Sandra, Derek, Sheila, I love it. So I now want you to drop a hell yes. If you want more love, more money, and more fulfillment in your life as a result of having done the childhood trauma healing, drop a hell yes, absolutely. Now, I wanna ask one more question, and that is, if you are someone who feels like you want all these things, you want the love, you want the healing, you really wanna move on from this, but you kind of get addicted to chaos in your life, right? So you're the kind of person who stays in toxic relationships a little bit longer than you should. You're the one that gets kind of bored when things actually start turning right for once. And you are the one that goes and creates drama and problems in your life, and you're the one that starts something, and as soon as things, you know, start getting better, right? You find a way to kind of crash and burn. Not anymore from the yes, from Derek, hell yes from Jenna, yeah. I mean, I really relate to this, and the reason I wanted to talk about this is that these conferences are amazing, you know, I wish that we could run them all year round, but the reality is, what are you guys gonna do right after the conference is over when you know the adrenaline runs out, when the magic kind of seems to disappear after a couple weeks? What are you guys gonna do when you wake up on December the 19th, and Michael's not here anymore? You know, there isn't this huge line of speakers coming up for you. I mean, it's just you and yourself waking up in the morning, how are you guys gonna keep that momentum going? And I know that we already talked about the importance of community and mentorship and all of those things that are really important, but there's something else that we haven't really talked about yet at the conference. And for me, this was the missing piece in my healing journey. I'll tell you who I am in just a second, but I'm gonna be really straight up with you guys, I've done everything, I've done the Ayahuasca, I went backpacking Peru by myself, and I did Ayahuasca for a month straight. I've done these yoga retreats, I've gone to, you know, CBT therapy, I've done all sorts of things, and they all helped me get better for a little while until I fell back into this pattern of chaos, until I discovered something called inner child healing. Now, if anyone here is familiar with Inner Child Healing, let me know in the comments, I kind of wanna see, you know, where you guys are at. But inner child healing is what taught me that I didn't have to rely on this, you know, external rah rah, this kind of pushing and hustling and oh my God, this like push energy to kind of get me through the day. That stuff is really great sometimes, but that's not gonna give you the consistency and the stability and the peace that comes from the actual day to day of doing this work. When the people are gone, when the conferences are over, when it's just you waking up to yourself in the morning. What are you gonna do then, right? I'm gonna tell you guys about how we're gonna use some of these tools to use a different kind of energy for those moments. And so my job today is literally to try to convince you guys that gentle is very powerful. And you're gonna hear me say that over and over again over the next, I don't know, 30 minutes, until you really start to understand that you don't always need big pushes of energy to get and force yourself through things, right? But there is a certain power and gentleness, and the way that we do this is through inner child work. Thank you guys for participating in the comments. So are you guys ready to start learning a little bit about healing your inner child? Let me know if we're good to go. Yes, yes, yes. I see a bunch of nodding heads. All right, let's go. I'm gonna pull up my screen here to show you guys what we have in store. If you are someone that wants more love, more money, and more fulfillment in your life, and you wanna keep this going, alright, so we're gonna talk about three things today. We're gonna talk about why healthy sometimes feels kind of boring, like, I don't know, what do you guys think? Do you ever feel like sometimes healthy people feel kind of boring or healthy routines, just they don't give you that kick and that energy that you're used to, right? Especially if we're used to chaos, I see Jodi nodding her head, yes. We're gonna show you how you guys are actually going to unlock your inner child's superpower today. All you need is about five to 10 minutes, I'm gonna show you how to do it so that you can take these tools, go home and do it on your own. And finally, we're gonna explain more about why gentle is actually very powerful, okay? So who is this lady talking to us about her child? What's this, you know, hippie BS. I promise you guys there's a lot of substance in here as well, but you may not have seen me before, but you might have heard my voice. I host the weekly podcast called The Inner Child Podcast, every day, every week, sorry, not every day, not yet. I share tips on practical ways to help heal your inner child and get outta toxic relationships. So what I actually do, I actually help people find healthier relationships and stay in them by healing their inner child. So that's actually what I do, and the reason I do this is I used to be a love addict. I'm gonna be really straight up about this, I was a very, very unhealthy person when it came to relationships, I was addicted to Tinder, I was addicted to just finding anybody, basically chasing after anyone who was emotionally unavailable, right? That was sort of the joke between my friends that I was gonna always be forever alone, and I really believed it, and it took me a long time to break outta that pattern and develop a secure attachment style, that's my partner right now, we've been together for years, so I really know how it feels like to feel hungry for love, right? And to feel like no one's committing to you, that no one wants to be with you, that you don't feel good enough to have someone stick around. I've been through all of that, okay? But I'm also a real human being, I love coffee, I love Bing, Netflix, I just finished the new season of too hot to handle, so I'm everywhere. So to give you guys sort of proof of why I truly believe that gentle is powerful, I'm just gonna tell you guys what I do in a day, alright? And I'm gonna tell you how much time it actually takes me to do this. So on paper, it looks like I'm a very busy person, like I'm running this company, I have this podcast, I'm running a book, I started trading in Kung Fu recently, you know, bam, bam, Bruce Lee, watch out. I cook dinner Monday to Friday. I'm an old lady, so I go to bed by 10, I'm just kidding, not that old yet, but I actually only work about three to four hours a day, okay? Honestly, people don't really believe me, but I'm being completely honest and it's because I've completely unsubscribed from this idea that we have to hustle and work so hard and kill ourselves, right? To please other people or to look like we're busy or being productive. I am completely unsubscribed from that life completely, right? I grew up with immigrant parents. I saw what that kind of generational trauma did to my family and the people around me. And I am trying to set an example that it's possible to actually do what you love, but not have to, you know, use all of your time to perform this act, basically right, is what a lot of us do. And the only way I was able to get there was through the gentleness of inner child healing, okay? So we're gonna talk a bit more about how chaos and busyness, is so addictive and oftentimes doesn't actually bring us results, right? So this is one of my favorite quotes in the world, and it's actually one of the first ones I saw about inner child healing. I read this quote that we are all just wounded kids walking around in adult bodies. And the first time I ever saw this, it just struck such a chord to me because I knew it was true. And the reality is, you know, you are still the you, that you were when you were born, right? You know, when we are triggered by things, we actually emotionally revert to being that little kid again, right? And so, I mean, you know, people in your life that when they get mad or when they're upset, they start acting like a toddler, right? And that's not a coincidence because when we have things from our childhood that are sort of stuck, you know, we haven't quite resolved them, we carry them into our adult lives. Trauma is gonna keep you addicted to this external need for chaos and hustling, but inner child healing will bring you home and it will help you create this internal feeling of consistency, okay? So if you guys are following, let me know, I would love to know. So what I wanna talk about first is why healthy can feel so boring. Why do you guys think that healthy things can feel kind of boring and a bit of a turnoff for us? I'm kind of curious to know what you guys are thinking, right? Why is it that as soon as we get something good, we start to see some momentum, right? We almost get scared of it and we kind of pull away. Exactly, Tesa, it's new, right there. Yeah, no adrenaline rush, new experience. Exactly, you guys are right on the money here. So there's a lot of reasons, but one that is very common is really just because it's unfamiliar and it's scary. I grew up with a very angry father. He was very explosive and kind of unpredictable with his behavior, right? And so what I kind of learned growing up was that every time right before he was about to go into a rage, he would get really, really quiet. So I became terrified of the silence because every time something was calm for once, it meant that something bad was about to happen and I had no idea how long it was gonna last. It might have been one day or two days, right? Exactly, you got it guys, it's unfamiliar and it's scary. And honestly, it's not much deeper than that, okay? Like I know sometimes we try to rationalize these things by thinking of all these reasons, but the brain likes consistency and familiarity, and sometimes inconsistency is actually what's consistent for us, all right? So if you're finding that healthy things become boring, it's really just because you're not used to it, okay? Yes, you guys got it. Now, there is one more thing that I wanna bring up that maybe you hadn't quite thought of before. There is another reason, and it's that your inner child will actually try to resolve old traumas in new situations, okay? And I can almost guarantee whatever it is that you're going through right now, whether it's the same issue coming up at work, the same issue coming up in relationships, it's an old pattern that's showing up in a brand new package or person or situation, okay? So hold on to that thought for a second, I'm gonna share with you guys something kind of embarrassing, but I really wanted to do this just just to drive the idea home. I told you guys I was a love addict, and I actually took the time to go back to some old messages, right? Of things that people used to say to me of reasons why they couldn't commit to me, okay? Now, on the surface, everyone thought I was just some dumbass girl who just couldn't help herself from running back to the asshole, okay? That that's what everyone saw on the surface, and that's what I really believed about myself. I thought I was so dumb, like, why do I keep going back to these same guys who treat me like crap, right? These narcissistic, emotionally unavailable guys, that's just on the surface, right? But why do you think was actually happening to me on an inner child level? What was actually happening underneath? This was no coincidence, you guys know my history now, right? What was actually happening was my little girl was looking for daddy's love and all of these guys, right? She was this little six year old girl, right, who felt so rejected by her dad, right, was never good enough, and she was, every time she saw someone that kind of reminded her of him, she would say to herself, if I can make this asshole, choose me, if I can, you know, make myself this perfect girlfriend and mold myself to a version that he wanted, and if he chose me, maybe it means that I was good enough for my dad, right? Or maybe it would mean that my dad could have picked me, that there was some way that I could have gotten his love. Now I'm actually feeling really emotional reading these text messages because I haven't seen these in years, but it still hurts, right? It's, and this is what we go through in our own situations, all right? Whatever it is that you are dealing with right now, what is the inner kid inside you actually trying to resolve in that situation? Okay. Thank you, Dawn, thank you, Jennifer. To be honest, mostly I deleted these messages and blocked them, but there was a couple that that stuck around and I'm glad I kept them. So here's the little piece of homework for you guys. If it feels familiar, right? In other words, if you kind of feel like I felt this way before at another time of my life, then it means that this is an old wound that hasn't been resolved yet. And whatever solution that you're trying to come up with externally actually has to come from yourself internally. And I'm gonna show you how to do it right now, okay? If it feels like an old feeling in a new package, it means that this is an old wound that you haven't resolved yet. Thank you so much, my loves. So here's how we're gonna do this, and before I get started, I'm gonna switch to an exercise. Look, every time I talk about the inner child, there's a couple of people that kind of roll their eyes, they're like, you know, what's this like hippie hoo-ha stuff, right? And I don't blame them because I used to think the same way, like, it's such a bizarre, it isn't, it such a bizarre idea? Like the, the idea of this inner child and it's not a real child, okay? I mean, who here actually knows what the inner child is? I'm curious to hear what you guys think, right? And what I wanna say to you is, just because something isn't real, doesn't mean it's not helpful. And it took me a really long time to figure this out, right? So my definition of the inner child is, this is your true essence, all right? Now, it doesn't matter what your beliefs are, but we all came into this world, you know, as who we were with a certain essence. And believe it or not, no matter how early your trauma started, there was a version of you that existed before the traumas, before the social conditionings, before the family that you were involuntarily born into, before the rules, before the schooling, before all of that, all right. There was a version of you that existed, and even if you are someone that didn't get the chance to experience any amount of a childhood, there are moments, even now, I guarantee it, there are times in your life when you are with your best friends or when you're just feeling really good or maybe had a glass of wine that you just kind of let loose and you let that inner kid out, right? We all know what that feels like, like that moment when you're singing your favorite song, when you're feeling, you know, like kind of mischievous, when you're feeling really creative, when you're feeling curious about things, when you feel in awe, like the first time that you've seen snowfall, the first time that you saw a dragonfly, the magic, right? Like, there's magic in that. And you know, if there's anything you wanna take, even if you don't believe in this inner child stuff, that little kid is still there inside you. You don't just magically stop being a kid one day and then, you know, jump into an adult body. You remember what it was like being a kid, you remember exactly how you felt when those things happened to you. You are just an old child, all of us here, all right? And, you know, we pretend to be grownups and whatever, it doesn't matter, okay? Because that is the real you, so I'm gonna close this for one second and walk you guys through how I help people discover their inner child, okay? You guys with me on this? Are you willing? Just take a step inside that I see you, Dawn, I see you. Okay? I just want you to meet yourself, okay? And forget about the landlord you need to text, forget about, you know, whatever email you just, just stop all of that for a second, okay? And just sit with yourself right now, and all you're gonna do is picture in your head what you looked like when you were a child. Just want you to picture five-year-old Jay, five-year-old Sheila, five year old Crystal, five year old Ruth. Okay? Just picture what they looked like, their little hair looked like, you know, the color of their eyes, what shirt they're wearing. You guys got it? Okay. Hold that image in your head and then I actually want you to get down on one knee so that you can look that child in the eye as if they were right in front of you, okay? And then I want you to just tell me what you see, you can type this in the chat. When you see five-year-old Sandra, five-year-old Mara, five-year-old Thad, five-year-old Jenna, what do you actually see in front of you? Jay says, joy. Yes. Hope, you see hope. I see a naughty little girl sometimes. She likes to pull pranks on people, right? They're not always perfect little angels, but there's so much more than that, innocent kid looking to have some fun. Yes, Tesa, excitement. Jodi, happy to see me again. Yes. Hold on to that for a second, okay, happy smiling. Yes, that's your inner kid, and the fact that you can even bring that image to mind means that there's still hope. Okay, I'm gonna show you guys something right now, we're gonna go back to this. Yes, gentle, dreamer with a big smile. I love these answers guys, I'm gonna show you something, wait, hold on, I gotta show you this. So here's the good, right. Those dreams are still alive. So these are some pictures of some things I went through recently, right? I decided I wanted to join a rock band. So I joined a rock band, and I went touring with them for two years, I wanted to go to ComicCon with my partner.

We went to ComicCon, I wanted to ride a horse, we went and rode a horse, you know, everything little Gloria desires, she gets, this is why I can create a schedule where I work three to four hours, a day, all right? Because I really prioritize putting myself first in this way and you're never too old for this, right? It's not unprofessional, it makes me a better coach, right? Because I can show up to my clients from a place of overflow, of being nourished and setting that example that I really do practice what I preach, okay? So doesn't matter how old you are, whether you're in your thirties or your sixties, or your eighties, whatever childhood dreams you had that you saw just now, and that exercise is still alive, and it is your absolute duty to go and fulfill it, okay? Little Crystal deserves to do what she wants, little Jodi deserves to get what she wants, it's your responsibility because if you don't, who's gonna do it? All this time, you thought someone else was gonna come and complete you, like you actually thought someone else was gonna be the person to come rescue you and fill up this whole no, my loves, that little person inside you is waiting for you. They've been waiting for you this whole time, all right? That's the message I wanna leave with you guys, if nothing else, you know, you have to show up for you because there's no other choice, right? You were stuck with you till the day that you die and at the end of the day, you are coming home to yourself, okay? And this is what I mean by gentle is so powerful. Dawn, I'm so glad to see this, and happy birthday. I'm so glad to hear, see that you're here, alright?

So my message here really is that gentle is powerful. So let me explain why gentle does not mean not having a backbone, right? Because everything that you are doing is you are doing it to your inner child. So let me, let me put this, this way. If someone comes up to you right and smacks you across a hand, just like, it's gonna sting, right? It's, you know, you're like, ouch, why did you do that? Well, what happens when you do it to yourself? Like, seriously, do it right nowm, like, just smack yourself across, you know? Does that, does that hurt any less just because it's coming from you? No, it hurts, right? Just because you do things to yourself doesn't mean it hurts any less than if someone else is doing it to you. And that is why the way that you talk to yourself is so important, okay? If you don't think it's important, it means that you are so used to hurting yourself that you don't even feel how painful it is anymore, okay? It's like that friend that refuses to go to the doctor, even though their teeth are like falling out and their hair is falling out, right? And they're so in it that they don't even see how sick they are, right? If you're not speaking to yourself kindly, you don't realize, you have no idea how much that that's actually affecting you, okay? So gentle is powerful, I'm gonna give you guys an example, right? If you, someone is walking all over you, right? And you're speaking to a child, your inner child, what do you think is gonna happen if you go up to that little five year old kid and say, wow, man, like, you suck, what are you doing, you're letting this person walk all over you, why are you so weak, you know, like, why are you letting them do this? Like, are you dumb? Like, get back out there, like give them a piece, like how does that feel for you guys, that doesn't feel good for me at all, right? You know, when we are hard on ourselves sometimes it gives us that push in the moment, but it doesn't result in lasting change. So I wanna try something else for size. What if you actually sat down with your inner kid and you said to them, Hey Crystal, hey Jodi, I know how hard it is when this person keeps talking over you, right? And I know how hard it is to feel like they keep walking all over you, and you're really sad about this and it's really hard, but I know that you can do hard things and I know that it's important for you to go out there and set that boundary because at the end of the day, you have me. So let's get back out there together and go make some hard things happen. How does that fee precise? Gentle is powerful. Gentle doesn't mean that you let people walk all over you, right? But it means that you meet yourself with compassion while also letting yourself know that you got this, you know, you can do hard things and you are gonna be there with yourself until the very end, okay? So that's what I mean by gentle is powerful. Oh, hold on, I revealed the answers. So you know, if this is new for you guys and who here after hearing this, feels like they really wanna get connected with your inner child now,  that they're ready to repair that relationship. Yes, okay. But listen, if you have ignored someone for so long and you've wronged them, what's the first thing that you have to do to actually start repairing that relationship? What was that? I heard someone mouth some words. What's the first thing you gotta do? Yes, build trust, apologize, exactly. You guys saw my slides? That's right. You can't just waltz right in there, right? And pick things off at as if nothing ever happened, okay? So I'm gonna get all of you to do this right now. The first thing you actually have to do is just apologize to little you, and it can be so simple, and I've given you an example right here. All you have to say is, I am so sorry that I abandon you for so long and I'm just realizing it now, I'm not perfect, but I am committing to putting you first from now on, okay? That's all you gotta say. And you will find that your inner child will be pretty forgiving, sometimes they take a bit of time to warm up to you, right? But as long as you are the person taking char, you are being the adult to yourself that maybe you didn't get. And oftentimes that's all they need to hear, okay? One more thing, I'm gonna leave with you guys and I wanna see some of those apologies, okay? Is that when you leave the conference today, you are officially a single parent now, you are the single parent to your own, yes, Jody, you are the single parent to your own inner kid, all right? You have just seen them in front of you so you can't ignore them anymore, all right? And you wanna think about what kind of a parent do you wanna be for yourself? What kind of a relationship do you wanna build with little you? And it's so simple that it's almost frustrating how simple it is. All you have to do is ask, right? I know that you guys know this, and sometimes we think about asking things, we think about feeling our feelings, but we don't actually do it, right? So I want us all to do this right now. Remember that image that we pulled to mind, right? You see little you in front of you, five year old, four year old, little you, connect with that person again, and literally just ask them, what do you need from me right now?

That's it, that's all you gotta do, all right? What do you need from me? And hold the space and you just see what comes up, okay? So let me know in the chats what your inner child is bringing to you today. Maybe you actually just need a bit of sleep, maybe you're tired, right? You need a couple extra hours of sleep. Paul says, love, exactly right? Maybe that inner kid just needs a bit of that hug, you know, you can kind of wrap up and hug yourself, maybe you need a glass of water, maybe you have to say no to something that you've been saying yes to for far too long. Genesis, to play, Maryanne's kindness, Brian says, hug me and tell me you love me. Oh my gosh, guys, this is beautiful, all right. You see how simple this is? This is all you really have to do, okay? Is just ask and then listen. So my loves, that is the end of my talk. Thank you so much for today, right. And just to recap, you know, your inner child tries to resolve old traumas and new situations, and the inner child is your true essence, and finally, gentle is powerful. Thank you so much guys.