Healing Masculinity and Feminine Energy | With Ken Canion

Michael: Hey, what's up brothers. Welcome back to unbroken men podcast. Today, we're joined by Ken Canion man is absolutely incredible. He is a relationship and communication coach, millions of views on social media, a serial entrepreneur, the dude's written more books than you will probably ever read in your life. And he is a reality TV star. We had the pleasure of meeting each other at an event. In Miami last year, Ken brother, welcome to the podcast.

Ken: I appreciate you, Michael. Thank you for having me.

Michael: Yeah. It's an honor, man.

Ken: I've been waiting on the call. I've been waiting.

Michael: It's interesting, man. I was on hiatus for right after that event. I went from there to South America for four months and I needed a little bit of. Me time. I needed to step. It's conversation, we don't have enough about men and we're like power through, figure it out, man up. And I'm all about all that, bro. Sometimes you got to have the mental health break. So been looking forward to doing this, but I could not have done this if I did not take care of me first. And I'm very pro me. I'm not sans Ken, I'm just more pro me.

Ken: No. I know it. And I appreciate that because that's one of the messages that I tell men and I imagine we can get into that, but why the technical reasons why it's important from a personal development standpoint. So, I look forward to it, I'm glad you did that.

Michael: Yeah, and I definitely want to get into that with you too. One of the things that struck me just immediately about you. One, you have a big personality. For those watching on YouTube, you'll see, you got the big old glasses on there, neon orange, like you, and you're a big guy. You're like, you're my size, you're big walking human being. And you just got a heart of gold, man. And the thing that I was thinking about and preparing to talk to you today. It was like, how do we help men get into this place of this healed masculinity? Because here's how I look at my life, dude, I shoot guns. I drive a big truck, I do martial arts, but man, I write poetry. I cry, I read books and it's like, how in the world do we help guys get to that place? And so, what I'm curious, Ken, how did your journey to the man that you are today begin?

Ken: That's a very good question. How did it begin? I think I was fortunate enough to have a father and unfortunately a lot of men don't, but I was fortunate enough to have a father who was a masculine man and who always told me that no matter what I could be, whatever I wanted to be, I was just as smart as everybody else. However, that same man did not, we didn't talk about emotions though, we didn't talk about how we felt about things. While he told me to strive to go get it to never quit, he never told me sometimes it's okay to cry, never told me those things. And so, I didn't learn those things till later or until, because I used to associate those things weakness, which is terribly wrong, but I realized that. I wasn't alone that it's pervasive in our culture that, and often in, in my coaching, cause I coach men too. I tell the man, one of the things we have to be conscious of is that men have been conditioned not to communicate, conditioned, or another word is program. And let me explain it to you. So, from the ages of, from the third trimester in their mother's to seven years old, Our subconscious minds are being formed, okay. We have our conscious mind thoughts, we are aware of our subconscious mind. It's like our computer that we run off of the thoughts, beliefs, and everything. So, we don't have a subconscious mind until these, we look into our world around us as we're seven years up to seven years old, we look to the people around us. And what happens is we have been programmed to believe that, okay, sharing our feelings is a sign of weakness. For instance when a man is young, a little boy is young, what do they say? Suck it up. Don't cry.

Michael: They served on it.

Ken: Put some dirt on it. They said, hold it in. Don't be no little B. They tell you all these things. So, the little guy associates sharing emotions as a sign of weakness. And then that little boy grows to be a 25 year old man and a 35 year old man or 45 year old man. And the only time we express our emotions is when we're mad. It's okay when you're angry, but then we don't know how to, we only project anger. So, the person sees you as, oh, I'm scared of him. And that's, and what it is we've never been taught emotional intelligence. We've been conditioned to keep it in. So, I had to go on a journey. To, because I used to be really angry, not angry. I just used to get mad when things didn't go my way. And I realized as I became more emotionally intelligent that I, my outcomes, I wasn't getting what I wanted. I wasn't succeeding because of my attitude, because of my anger. And I was like, something's got to change. Something's got to change. And so that began my journey roughly in my twenties. That began my journey on realizing who I was and how to become more emotionally intelligent. When my, one of my best friends told me this, I'll never forget it. He said that I was in business with three other guys and he said, none of them like you. I was like, they don't like me. And then my anger kicked in. don't give a shit if they like me or not. And he said, that's the reason why they don't like you.

Michael: That's exactly right.

Ken: And it was like an epiphany and the whole weekend after he taught it haunted me and I said, I've got to be better. I can't go through life like this. And so that was the start of it.

Michael: Yeah, that's powerful. And you know what I will say is you have to be resilient as a man. There was something to being able to control your emotions, not letting them get the best of you, putting them where they need to be assessing them when you need them and being in control of your life. That is, it's a game changer and like you. I had no control over my emotions in my teens and in my twenties, I would explode at anything. I probably, between birth and 26 when I said I will never get in a fight again, I probably wasn't 200 physical fight. You know what I mean? Blast somebody over nothing, Ken. I would be like you looked at my shoes the wrong way, bro. Are you crazy? The dumb shit. And then you realized the last fight I ever got in was on 4th of July. I'm 26 years old and I punched my little brother in the face. He just, he knew how to push me. Brother, that's what brothers do.

Ken: Oh, absolutely.

Michael: And I looked at him and I was like, I'm done with this man. The week before, just the week before I had choked this guy at a bar, and Ken, it was out of control, man. It was this thing that it was going to get me killed. Like it really was, it's going to get me killed. It was going to get me arrested or locked up. It was probably going to ruin my life. And it was right in this window where I'd started this journey. To figure out who I was because at 26, man, I'd made a million bucks, but I was 50 grand in debt. I was 350 pounds smoking two packs a day, eating chocolate cake for breakfast, cheating on my girl. Like my life was absolutely upside down because like you, I got told that boys do not have emotions, put some dirt on it and don't be a bitch.

Ken: And I applaud you because. When you may, when you became conscious of it, see, this is the part where a lot of guys, a lot of guys don't do what you've done. A lot of us have experienced anger issues, all this, but what you did, you had what I call a C moment. A-C moment is a significant emotional event that actually triggers a response in us that breaks a pattern. When you looked at your brother, this is my brother. This is a guy I love and I just hit him in the face. And so it's something about that said to you, I must change. So, a lot of us, we get to the point where we say, I want to change. I ought to change. I should change, but only when it becomes a must that what we do is we trigger another response inside of us and it all happens internally. And for me, that day when he said, they don't like you, nobody likes you. And I thought that was a significant emotional event that caused me to trigger this chemical change within us. And so, I'm excited that you did it. And what I've endeavored to do is help men find that place where it becomes a must.

Michael: Yeah, and it has to be right. You, we live in a society being ran by man, boys, right? Men, children, and it's wild. If you look at it because you have so much of this unhealed energy. And I don't believe there's toxic masculinity.

Ken: Like I hate that phrase.

Michael:  I think that phrase, I'm glad you agree. And what I look at in this is I go, these are men who are hurt. These are unhealed men who have not yet leveled up, they're not toxic. I never in the men that I've coached over the years, thousands of men can, I never sat across from one of them was like, Oh, that guy's the toxic one. Found him what it is. It's behavioral patterns. It's these moments of time that. We get trapped into from our childhood that we don't heal, that we don't take responsibility for. They infect, I'm using the word infect because it comes in, it seeps in like a parasite and it takes, it infects our relationships, our money, our health. It destroys everything that we touch when we are still operating in that childlike space. You're the relationship guy. And I wanted you on to specifically talk. I love that we've set this framework because so much of relationships are built in what you just said. These C moments, how did you become the relationship guy?

Ken: I think that's a, I never set out to be the relationship guy and I don't think, I don't know if you set out to be the unbroken, the healing guy, I often say, I was like, it was thrust upon me, but I just accepted the mission. And what happens is and just like your journey 16 years ago, my wife and I were headed for divorce court. I'll never forget it. We couldn't stand each other. We couldn't communicate everything I said, she hated everything she said, I hated. And I'll never forget that I was like in my in my head. I'm like, all this time we dated. I married I married the wrong person. Oh wow. What I didn't realize was, think about it like this. One of my ex-coaches said this. He said, life wouldn't be so hard if we didn't expect it to be so easy. And when he said that to me, I was like, wow, that is so deep. And so, I applied it to relationships after that. I expected it would be easy because we loved each other. But I was never coached on how to communicate. I was always, I never shared my feelings because as I grew up, I didn't want to be the little bitch that showed weakness. I didn't know how to communicate because I was a matter of fact person, but I never took her feelings in consideration. And so I had all this shit going on in me. And what happened was I had never done the work on me to become the man who could have the type of relationship that I wanted. And so when this occurred, when we were going through this, I'll never forget this day, we were arguing back and forth. I've never put my hands on my wife ever. But the words I said were so detrimental, so hurtful, they were worse than me touching her physically. This day we were arguing back and forth, and my wife, to her credit, I don't know where she mustered this up, she said it was God. But she said, asked me, can we go for a ride? And I'm like, go for a ride? I don't even want to be in the same house with you, let alone the same car with you? But for some reason I went and but I asked her to this about a year ago. I asked her, why did you want to go for a ride? She said, I saw our home as the place of bad energy. And I said, if we could get out, maybe the energy could change. And that was prophetic, because we got in the car, we're riding down the street. She's looking at her window. I'm looking at my window. I don't want to talk to her. She didn't want to talk to me. But she said, it's funny. She said, I'm hungry. Listen, we both had that in common. I was hungry at the time and it was funny because I had just gotten off the show. The biggest loser I lost a hundred and 130 pounds at the time, I believe I wasn't even eating fast food. And the other thing, Michael, here's the thing that blows me. I didn't have any money because I took eight months off from working. And she had to carry the note because I went to get my health back. I was out filming a reality show. And I said, she said, pull over in that Wendy's. I said, I don't have a 7. She said, pull on. So we went through the drive thru and I'll never forget this. I did a video that said how 7 saved my marriage. And we got two happy meals that were 2.99 a piece, something special there. And when we were pulling through the drive thru, she said, pull in a parking space. And I looked at her and said, for what? For what? And she said, please. I'm glad she said please. Because I did it because if she had to say something smart, I'd have just kept driving. And when she pulled over, she looked at me and said, we're going to sit here until we figure out what's wrong with us. Two hours and 42 minutes later, we came up with a conflict resolution system that saved our marriage. I learned more about her in the two hours and 42 minutes than I had known in the years we had dated. And that was when it was right after that, when I realized. If I could put this back together, I could help other people do it. And the seed was born then. Now I had to do the work. Now it took me about, it took us about two to three years to get to the point where I start coaching other people. But that the seed was born right then that I said to myself, you know what? I am going to be a man of integrity. I'm going to fix this relationship. I'm going to do my part. And the rest is history. And that was six years into the marriage. We've been married 22 years.

Michael: Man, that's unbelievable. You, we are presented with opportunities through pain. I think about this every day. The only way you change is when the pain is just so painful. You can't take it anymore. And a lot of people, man, they would have went down that divorce path. We live in a society 50 plus now heading to 60 percent divorce rate, 80 percent of those divorces initiated by women. Men don't know why I've never been married, and I know why. One of the things can I feel so fortunate about. In my journey now heading at, 38, 39 years old almost is being studious of the mistakes of others. I have saved myself a tremendous amount of time, effort, energy, and money. Now look, a lot of the mistakes I had to make, I'm Ken, I'm the same guy. I put a fork in the electrical socket as a kid, all right. I don't learn the easy way, but there's certain things I sit and I take it in and I go, Oh why 80 percent of divorces initiated by women? This is my guess, and I would love to have the back and forth here. Cause I know a lot of married men are going to listen to this. I soon will hopefully be a married man and have a family of my own, it's on my agenda. It's on my to do list. I tend to do my to do list very well, but what I think about often is it's, I think there's a couple of things that happen. One, I want to lay them out and then you hit me back your thoughts on this. One, I believe that women feel unseen, you're the communication guy, we talked about that too. I think the number one thing women need is communication. I think number two, they need to feel safe. And I don't mean safe in the streets. Safe in their home, right? Your wife said something unbelievable, like this is the place where the pain is in our home, and the third thing that I think that they need is they need a decisive man of conviction. They need a man who is a leading, we live in this weird space right now, you and I have talked about this. This where being a man is under scrutiny. It's under fire, that's why I created this show because I sit here and I look at these guys who have so much incredible opportunity in front of them, but they're terrified to even pull the pants up, put their boots on and walk out of the street because they might get shot down by the sheriff, and it's like being a man's impossible. So, I think women want to be seen, understood, and communicated with to feel safe, which I think is the byproduct of that communication. And then they want a man of conviction and integrity. And I think that because of the childhoods that we come through, because of the media, because of the things that we're consuming, we, as men have to Failed to be able to live up to standards that a, we should be setting ourselves and be that in reality, we live in this weird red pill world with guys like Kevin Samuels, who I love in a lot of ways and who I don't in a lot of ways. Andrew Tate, who I love in a lot of ways and who I don't in a lot of ways, and then guys like you, who I love in a lot of ways, and I don't in a lot of ways, and what I'm always trying to get down to here, Ken is as the expert, what am I missing in what I just said?

Ken: I'm glad I took notes because as I always saw that.

Michael: Me too.

Ken: So, you said, I got three reasons why women do 80%. And you said, first reason is that they want to be seen. And I would add, they want to be heard too, because they want to be communicated to. And then you said they want to feel safe. And then you said that what do I can't read my own right something.

Michael: Conviction and integrity from a man.

Ken: Yeah. Conviction and integrity, okay. So I think that's one of the reasons. And I also think that there are two reasons. While I like these three reasons, Michael, I like them, but there is a fourth and a fifth reason. Okay number one, the fourth reason is the masculine energy in this masculine grid that we live in. Because in think about it, women are responsible for over 70 percent of the buying decisions in America. They're making more money than ever, they're doing, they're making more money and they're using this masculine energy to move up this grid. What happens is, and I've got to throw this in there because I see it so much, is that now, because I use this masculine energy to progress in my career, I think the same energy is going to help me cultivate a great relationship, when in fact, many of the times it does not. Because if you think about it, and this, I'm glad this is a man's show. Cause you got, you will understand what I'm about to say. When a woman that I love comes home and she's telling everybody what to do at work, because she's got that thing going on. She's making money. She comes home. She brings that energy home. She tells me what she begins to, to same thing, telling me what to do. And so the man who has been reared mostly in masculine energy, we both, we all both have masculine and feminine energy. What the problem is because when a man sees masculine energy in another man, he knows how to react. He either confronts it, okay. Or he calculates. Let me walk away from that. The risk is too great, but he knows what to do. He can calculate when that energy comes out of the woman. He loves because it's coming out of that vessel. He doesn't know what to do with it. Some men will argue all the time. It's a back and forth. This I'm arguing is it be, it becomes a combative relationship or he goes in his cave and he won't say shit.

Michael: I was that one.

Ken: Yeah. And so, he won't say shit. And what happens? A lack of communication leads to what I call the, now the brain begins to create community create. It's like the hyperbaric chamber. You ever, they say, when you get in the hyperbaric chamber, it's you ever heard what would not no sound sounds like. Nothing, no sound, they say it's the weirdest thing because you can't hear anything. And what it is when you, it's called sensory deprivation. Whenever you don't get feedback. Man goes in his cave, you start creating the feedback and that's what she starts doing. Oh, you don't love me, you're seeing somebody else, and that's how it starts. And so, what I tell people is I say that is, that's the fourth reason why they foul because they created that. And now they say you know what, I'm making money, I'm listening to other people. And then, and then the fifth one I get, and I was talking to, I remember I was talking to. Someone recently a high profile client celebrity who said this, I got a divorce because I was listening to the wrong. Yep. See, number 5 is this right here. The 5 is I'm listening to people who do not have the thing that I desire, I want you to think about that for a moment. I want a great relationship, but I'm getting advice from people who don't have a great relationship, I'm getting it, I want to be healed, but I'm getting advice from broken people. Now I know we all have to do healing, all of us. It's a never, it's a journey, something that goes on all the time. I get that, but when you add in those two with the other three that you said, now you have, now I think the dichotomy of it, and now it makes sense for why, women will do that. So I agree with your three, but I want to add in the fourth and the fifth one that actually rounds out the reason why, 80 percent of them are filing for divorce.

Michael: Yeah, I love that. And I appreciate that. And I, and like you, I take notes. I'm very studious. I'm doing this to learn and help other men learn as well, you said something really interesting. Number five could not make more sense to me. It is I think about this all the time. Like why in the world would you ever go and learn from someone who hasn't done what you are trying to do. Why in the world would you ever, it's if you think about it, man, like as someone who has built multiple businesses, travel the world, spoken on the biggest stages, why would I ever go learn business advice from somebody who works at a grocery store?

Ken: That, that makes too much sense. And so I was thinking about that for a minute. When I first, when I got in business, why would I go? I'll give you another example, which makes too much sense. I was, when I was, when I was 430 pounds and I was trying to lose weight, I was not going to go get advice from somebody who was 600 pounds. I just wasn't going to do it, it didn't make sense. And so that's what we're doing in relationships. What we're doing is we're getting advice from people who really don't even have the capacity to give us sound advice because they've never achieved it or they or for some. And so what happens is now we go on emotions. We go on, okay, you made me feel a certain way because the people who are close to us. They just want us to feel better. So, what they do is they tell us shit that we that they think will make us feel better, and that's flawed, it's flawed.

Michael: Yeah, it's dangerous to write, and it's really interesting when you break it down and you look at these dynamics and it's not to say let's be clear. I want to be clear about this ‘cause this is a show for men. I know women are listening and we appreciate you ladies, but this is a show for men. And I do not want guys to listen to this and assume that we are saying that women rule the home and that they are in charge and that we need to bend ourself to them because that's not what it is. That is not what it is, what we're, what I'm saying, and obviously can, I want your opinion. What I am saying, and I believe this to be true, this is all through my own failures, by the way, can I sit here as a man in full nakedness, admitting that the woman I should be married with and have kids with, I ruined that relationship. Cause I fucking cheated on her because I broke down because I was in a moment of pure weakness in my childhood space, unhealed, Looking back on a relationship. That was the best thing I ever had because I was scared. And so, when I made the decision to come in here and create this, I wanted to do a full honesty and full truth, knowing now, looking back and now having been single for a very long time, waiting and hoping that she shows up one day, praying to God with frequency. I put myself in this position to want to be studious, to understand these dynamics. And so when we're having this conversation, we're not saying it's men's fault. It's not even women's fault. It, I cannot help, but think of this term and we hear it all the time. And it's not mine and I'm just using it, but weak times make weak men. And we are in a space of weak men, we just are. And it's unfortunate. How do you, I'm gonna ask you a two part question and we can come back to it because it's probably going to be pretty convoluted. How do you become a man of strength, of integrity, a leader in your home, in consideration of being on the verge of divorce? Losing everything, being almost the biggest loser, pun intended, and what do guys need to be taking into consideration to have the relationships that they want to have right now?

Ken: So, it the answer to that isn't as convoluted as it might seem because, when people come to me, I always say, we start at the bottom and what I mean by I'll start at the bottom. We start with the most important relationship you will ever have. And that is the relationship with yourself. And so, when I get deep into you, you said something quite interesting. You said at a moment of weakness, I did something, I made a decision. I made a bad choice that cost me the woman of my dreams, okay. And so each man listening to this has made bad choices, okay. Yours, yours truly make bad choices. Those bad choices have dictated the life that I live in many cases now, but it's how I use the bad choices. See, we can choose to use them. So, what I tell men is what we, where we start at, as we start with you, we start a deep dive of who I am, because how can I protect, as you said, make a woman feel safe, communicate with her, be a man of respect and all of these things that I should be without knowing who I am. And so my first thing is, I have to decide that I got a personally to develop me, I've got to become a better version of myself. And then I teach them what that looks like.

Michael: I want to interrupt you real quick because how a guy like me. No, never met my father. Stepfather, a guy, your size, we're the same size, six foot four plus two 52 beat the crap out of me as a child. I had no measurement for manhood of any capacity. It took me rock bottom to figure out how to do this self thing. If you're a guy like me knowing, and especially I'm a guy of color, I'm biracial, black and white, you're a black man living in America, as well as I do most the majority of low of homes in this country that are minorities. Have no father figure in them. We have no space for knowing even where to begin with self. Where do you start? If I'm listening, Ken, I'm 22, my life's a disaster. I'm making a hundred G's a year. I'm chasing money and girls live in my Jay Z lifestyle, but my shit is real backwards. Real backwards or I'm 35 or 40 or whatever that age is and things are not working. And I hear you telling me you got to do this internal work, but I've never had a sense of self. Where does that begin? What is step one?

Ken: So that's a very good question. And I'm going to, I'm going to definitely tell you something so fucking simple that it's going to blow you away. Number one, you got to have a desire to do. The only way you change is I couldn't put it in you. You had to come with the desire, okay. I got to, I had to get to the point where it was a must. Remember I talked about the C ball. So that part has to, you got to say, I have a desire to do. And so, here's what I did. I want to use a real world example. So, I wanted to be, I had been coaching and I had clients and I said, I've got a message. I don't know where to start. All of these people out here need to hear this message. I know that I have something. I had a desire to start with desire. Second thing is willingness to do the work. So I have this thing. I have this thing. I often ask my students, what comes first? Desire, willingness to do the work or belief. And almost 90 percent of the people get it wrong. They say believe, desire, willingness to do the work or some combination, but they never say desire comes first, willingness to do the work and belief is last. Because think about it. You just told me Michael. I had no basis to believe that I could have this because I had no father figure at my stepfather beat the shit out of me. And so my I have no basis to believe comes as a result of the brain sees you seeing you doing a behavior over and over again. The reason you believe you can have a great podcast and get millions of downloads and because you did it over and over again. Your brain saw it. Your subconscious mind begin to get conditioned to a new way to think. But it was only because you had an intention, a desire to do it. Then you start doing the work, but, and then the belief comes last. So, I tell people desire comes first. I'm going to give you a simple way to do it. Second way, all you have to do, and this is what I tell my people type in on YouTube university, I'm being practical, become a better version of yourself. I want to be a better man. I told somebody this the other day, they didn't know me from app. They can't, they couldn't afford me. I said, type in on YouTube because somebody else, I'm not bullshit. I said, somebody else did a video and that, and they don't want you to listen to it every day. And why do I don't want you to listen to it every day? Because what happens is the more you listen to it, the more you get conditioned to a new message. If I'm on the street, so let's say I'm on the street selling drugs, but every morning I wake up, how to be a better man. I'm listening to it. I'm taking it into my subconscious what's happening to me all of a sudden my actions on the street and the more I listen to it will become incongruent they're going to there's going to be friction I'm going to have problems thinking about I know I should be a better man and all you did was plant the seed see and every day you water it so that's why I tell people start right there. The more you do it, and then all you got to do, then what's going to happen is it's going to tell you, Hey, listen to your affirmations every day. I don't even have to listen. Look at the video. I know no matter who said it, dude in Utah, dude in Alabama, dude in New York, it's going to come back to the same process. Some people will say it differently than you might say it differently than me, but it's going to come back to the same process. Read these books. Okay, listen to this, okay. Say affirmations, journal your journey. All of a sudden, if you start doing one of them, what are we doing? Reconditioning our subconscious mind. And that's how I tell people I'm practical as hell, and so that's my process. Cause you, maybe you can't afford you, you don't have the wherewithal to afford a coach. Maybe they can't hire Michael Unbroken, they maybe can't hire you. Maybe they can't hire coach Ken, but this is where you start, I did this. I did this when I wanted to become an influencer, wanted to get my message out. I went on YouTube 'cause you got a whole bunch of messages, but a whole bunch of messages. How can I become? And I listened to it every day and all of a sudden they said, put out one video a day. And that's what I did. I didn't know how to edit. I just turned my phone towards me and all I did was say, no, four ways to tell Amanda values. I swear to God is my witness. I got 1.2 million followers now, and that's how I did it for a whole year.

Michael: It comes so much value in that Ken, which I appreciate Truman. I'm just taking notes over here. Like it's my job, which it is. And the thing that I took away from that more than anything is you must want this more than you want anything. And I think Fear that we live in a complacent society of men who are so I'll share this. So recently I sat down and I reevaluated my values for a long time. My values were honesty, kindness, leadership, self actualization, and they got me to where I was, Ken, we were speaking before I hit this plateau and I was like, do I close the business? I'm burned out, what's going on? Maybe I need to step away. And then I evaluated my values again. I realized really what my values are and what is going to take me to the next level is strength, love, honor, and courage. And I feel like those are really core tenants of how I would define my manhood, and I think that a big part of the reason why most people, men do not have desire for success in any capacity. Is there apathetic? I think that a lot of guys are just sitting here and being like, woe is me, which, you look at your life and I would argue that, and I don't know. And so that's why we're having the conversation. I would guess at some points you were that guy as well. I know I certainly was.

Ken: I went bankrupt, dude. I never forget it. I was in partnership with four guys and I never forget it. We were young and we would, I was this whiz kid. I was in black enterprise. I was on CNN home shopping channel and I never forget it. My, my partners were with me and all of a sudden we took a bad turn and we weren't getting business anymore. Young didn't know a lot as much and we went bankrupt and my name was the only one on the loan. And they abandoned me all except for one of them who we're still with best friends today. There were five of us and one of us didn't and the woman I'm married to today. It was her and him. Those only two standing. When the dust cleared, they were the only two standing, and I remember I was depressed. I went home. The federal agents came and took my computers. They came and took the furniture, they took everything. They let me keep my house because I didn't have any equity in it. But and I never forget, man, I was like, God, how did this happen to me? But I didn't realize this is what I teach men. I had when, if you change the way you look at things, Michael, you'll change what I could only see, this is what happened to me. I didn't realize it was the prelude to me becoming who I am today because I took that experience, what I learned. And that's when I wrote my first book. And that's when I began teaching other people because I remember I stayed in the house with the they report my car. I didn't have a card and have anything, but I still had who I was. And I laid in the room with the blinds drawn and I was like, I blame God. And then I said, one day, I was laying there watching TV and I remember that I lied about the lights and that being you can float checks.

Michael: I get it. Oh, I've been there.

Ken: And I said to myself, I asked myself, and this is how I help. I always start with one question. We start the process with one question, Michael, and here it is. Is it possible dot. And that question I've developed in my coaching. Is it possible that what I went through, there could be something good in it? Is it possible this experience could help me become a millionaire? When you begin asking that question, all of a sudden your brain tries to find the answer. And then I said, is it possible I could teach other people? At that moment, that was when I did what we call reframing. I reframed it because I could build a company that could make millions of dollars. Now I didn't know how to keep it yet, but I knew how to build it and how to sell stuff, and that was on my first book. One of eight books and the rest is half a million books sold later. And that's how we got here. Asking those questions to question my beliefs, what I believed.

Michael: And that's really turning your pain into purpose. I heard Eric Thomas ET, the hip hop preacher. So, I was with him, we were speaking at an event together. I was speaking very early in the day. I'll put it that way. And that's cool. Eric said something really incredible. I always watch him on stage. Like I just, I am so studious of him because he's so great. And he said you might as well get paid for your pain. And I thought to myself, yeah, you might as well, you already suffered, and I was thinking about that in terms of relationships, because there was a pain, Ken, I paid a price losing that woman. I do not get that back. All of this work, all of the, everything in building into the man I am today. To be a man worthy of the next and hopefully last incredible woman. I'm with it required that pain. That's a pain that like, dude, I think about this a lot. I may be my last thought on my deathbed was like, man, I really screwed that one up. But then I also think at least it's given me fuel to be a man who I am today to lead these people to stand on these stages, have these conversations. I fear that a lot of guys right now. In the state of dating, you're out of the game, but I'm in it. And I know a lot of my friends are they feel like even though they have tried to become men of value and they might be six figure earners and they might be actually like out here doing the work, they're not still attracting the right woman, what are they missing?

Ken: All right. So this is where I come in with what I do. Number one. And I, first of all, I help me get super clear about what they want, not what they think they want. So we start off like this. I said first of all, what's more important. I'm going to ask you, Michael, cause you're, you would be one of my clients that are looking for, I got a half a million women that follow me, but a little more.

Michael: So, I'll be signing up this afternoon.

Ken: So, I asked them what's more important, your wants or your needs.

Michael: Needs all day.

Ken: So, they have to think about that though, 'cause I said, and then I break it down and I say okay, so one day you might want, today you might want Chinese food, but tomorrow you might want a steak. And I, and they say, yeah. I said your wants may change or will change it, right? But what you need, the sustenance you need, the food you need to live will never change. And they say, yeah. And so first thing is we have to identify what we need. And most men have never done that. And so we live in a society that's microwave.

Everybody, men and women wanted to work quickly. We expect it to work quickly. But we don't spend, we don't want to spend the time to figure out what we need. And then once we do that, we don't know, and this is why I've been so successful.

Michael: I want to ask you a question about that, because let's say that men and I suggest the same thing you need to sit down and get crystal clear about what you need, crystal clear. And in fact, I won't, I'll keep it to myself, but there is a one, two, three, four page document. About the woman that I am seeking physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, sexual outcomes, financial goals, and deal breakers. I went deep, I went as deep as I could to hours. And then what I did, Ken, as I wrote the reverse, I said, who is the man I need to become to attract that woman? And that is even longer.

Ken: That's good, that right there is more important than the otherness because, we don't attract what we want, we attract who we are. See, the energy exude, I'm big with vibrational frequency and energy. If I am a man who is putting out an energy, I'm going to attract back that energy. Okay, so if I'm putting out an energy of a goal-oriented person who is super caring was trustworthy. I'm gonna get that back now. Now, somebody might say my challenge me on that say, can I keep getting the wrong kind of women? I'm a man of this and that and I say this, then there is something in you that it's telling you, okay. Now, are you entertaining that if you're not entertaining it now, what that means is that you're recognizing it quickly and then you're eradicating it. That's a good thing, the problem comes is people say I keep getting that but I keep falling for the same person, then there's something in you that is drawn to that character. Now there's a difference with Michael says, Hey, I identify I see it, okay. I rebuild, I repelled that because what I see in you, I don't want, okay, ‘cause my energy, cause your energy knows that, you know it, but then what is it about you that entertains it when you feel it, but you entertain, cause there's something in the energy.

Michael: That's the question, right?

Ken: That's the question.

Michael: What, so you see a lot of these guys, here's what I will say. And this is just on God, honest truth, the caliber of women I dated when I was in my worst, I don't even understand how they could date a man like me and the caliber of women that I have found myself around today are much more elevated. I'm not being dismissive of the women of the past. I'm just saying like attracts like energy attracts energy. It does. And I have this. I have this very interesting belief. This is how I think about everything. Cause what you said is how you look at things is how you see them, which I think is absolutely genius. And I want people to like, dudes, put that in your brain. You have to understand perception is everything. And so, I look at it now and I make one simple adjustment to everything in my life based on timeline. And I ask myself if I didn't get it until the day before I died, would it still be worth it? And the answer for me is when it is unequivocally, yes, it has raised my standard to never settle. A lot of guys are settling right now.

Ken: I believe that.

Michael: A lot of guys are settling. How do we pull them out of that? What is that question? What is that thing in them that they are drawn to subconsciously that they need to eliminate and eradicate to be able to both be a man at the level deserving of the relationship that they want, but also to attract that woman?

Ken: Oh, so the first thing they you, they have to ask themselves, what fear do I have? What am I scared of? Because when you settle for something, what that is, is that's an indication that fear is driving you. I want you to think about this for once you think about this gold, because if I settle for something that means that either I will not get what I fully want, or I don't deserve what I fully either way is rooted in fear that I won't get it. And what I say is, what are we scared of? First, we have to go that we have to go deeper to figure out, okay, what is it that I'm afraid of? I'm afraid that I want to attract another person. Am I afraid of being alone? Am I afraid that nobody would want the kind of woman that I want? And once we identify that fear, then that fear is what we're going to cut because that fear is creating a limiting belief. The truth is, whenever you settle for something that you feel like that you deserve more, you will ultimately resent the thing you settled for.

Michael: That's a hard reality. It's the same way as Ken, let's call it what it is. You and I on our journeys, ‘cause we had a similar journey, especially on weight loss. We settled. Yes, we lowered our standards for ourselves. We made a decision that we, for whatever reason, that thing that was inside of us, that internal temperature was not right. And we're like, okay, guess this is what it's, and then you make a decision, and I think that all of life is about the decisions we make. Everything that has ever happened in our life, every choice we've ever made, every turn left and go straight and eat that or do this. moment. This is one of the things I absolutely love about life, there is no coincidence, it's just not real.

Ken:  I agree, I agree.

Michael: And I fear my biggest fear, it's funny. My brother won't mind me telling this story. So I won't say which one though. So one of my brothers, I have many brothers. I'll put it that way. He was in this bad relationship, can his gauge internally. Was so low that he would accept anything, right? So this is one of my brothers. Again, there's a lot of them and he was dating this woman who had just had a child with another man who was cheating on my brother and he knew. And one day, can I had to sit him down? I have relegated the responsibility of coaching people to coach the people that want to be coached. I do not try to put that on people who don't want it, but I had hit my wall with him and I sit in and we were on phone and I go, You know what, man, I'm gonna tell you something you need to hear because I believe this can, I believe that truth will set you free and I say, you, you don't want to hear what I'm about to say, you don't want to hear it. You're going to hear it. Anyway, you're dating our mother and I sat across and I told him this and I just said, you got to understand you deserve more because Ken, my mother was a drug addict, alcoholic, bipolar, narcissistic, and institutionalized diet of an overdose. Totally took advantage of her children in every way, was not there. Never showed up. Hurt in every way you can imagine. And I sat and I told him this, and I asked him a very simple question. I said, don't you feel like you deserve more than that?

Ken: Wow. How did he respond?

Michael: It was hard for him because he sat and he go, yeah, I think you're right. And it was a powerful moment because I've dated my mother too. I think a lot of men have, I think we live in this, we live in this interesting time where, especially my age, heading to 40 and younger. There was no man in the house. We become son husbands. These emotionally incestuous relationships with our mothers and our grandmothers and the women who raise us. And it's, dude, this is so uncomfortable to talk about, but it has to be said. And I think that the only way that guys are going to get through it is they need men like you. They need men like me. They need to get in the programs. They need to pay for it. They need to invest in themselves and they need to raise their standards because they do deserve more. Maybe I'm wrong, Ken. Maybe I'm wrong.

Ken: No, I think you did. I got her, I got a new client and he used to, he's been to prison for five years. And he met a woman who was my client too, and he called me one day because she, after getting my coaching, is deciding that I don't want to be with him. I'm, there is a codependency relationship here. And so I got them on a call together. The reason I do that is because, not because I'm trying to coach them because now, they can see the other person in the truest, brightest light, because I'm going to ask questions that are going to reveal what's on the inside. So, he sat there and she spoke her truth because it's a safe place because of my, the way I conducted, you can't interrupt. She can't interrupt you. So after it was over, some things came out and he's from the streets and we want to say street guy. And he said, coach, can we talk? Sure. Let's talk. And he told me he wanted her back. I said, first thing you got to, again, become a better version of yourself. And here's what I said. If you ever, you, I can't promise you'll ever get her back. I can't, but here's what I can promise you. I can promise you if you become a better version of yourself, you will attract a woman of your dreams. It may be her, it may not be because I've done it with several guys and he said, I said, but it's gonna cost you to cost you. And the reason it's going to cost you is because you need to invest in yourself. And I said, and we went through the whole thing and I said, here's, what's going to cost you when you read it, send me a deposit. And if it was 2 weeks and I said, I'm not going to call you back. I said, only when you believe it, because I can't call. I'm not going to call you. If you don't, if the desire to be better is not there, okay. And no more bullshitting. No more game playing, no more trying to slip and dip and lie, like you do manipulate, like you do her. And I called him for what it was. I said, nah, bro, I'm not dealing with this shit three days ago. He sent me the deposit. He said, coach, I'm ready. I'm ready to invest in myself. So, we start next week, but because the reason why I say that is because of what you said, we've got to be willing to say I'm worth it, I'm worth it. Now I know that now the woman may be the catalyst to get you there. That's cool. However, we get there. My pain got me where I was, your pain got you. You hit your brother. I did all the shit that I did that got me there. I almost, the doctor said I would have been dead in three years, blood pressure was. 220 over, over 160 and weight was 400 some pounds. He said, you're going to be dead soon. And he didn't give, he was like, here's the medicine, take that. He said, you're a diabetic, all of these things. And I'm looking at him with tears in my eyes. Now I'm a, I don't think I'm a tough guy, but I'm pretty damn tough. And I'm crying and I'm like, this man does not give a shit about me, but I got to give a shit about me.

Michael: Yeah. Why would he, don't care?

Ken: He doesn't care but I needed that.

Michael: We need the truth, Ken. The truth will set you free. When I step into these conversations of vulnerability around health, wealth, relationships, sexuality, financial, whatever it is, as I build, not only this show, but all the things that I've done for almost a decade. The reason why I tell the truth is because I know. Somebody needs to hear it. One of the things I get from my clients all the time, it's actually one of my favorite things, is they tell me this, Ken, you might not get this 'cause you may have a different approach, but they tell me, Michael, I really don't like you sometimes. Oh yeah, I get that. And I go, my job, isn't for you to like me, my job is to help you win a championship baby. And I think that we need that, and I think as men that we need a little bit more truth.

Ken: Yes, we need the truth. And I love that approach because you're my best coaching football. I went to college on a football scholarship. The one that I disliked the most was the one got the most out of me. I got the most out of me. And so, because he was the one that said, you're too slow. He was the one that said, you're getting your ass beat. He was, no, literally he was the one that says, I thought you, I thought you would, you said you're going to dominate him. He's dominating you. And it made me mad because I'm like, no, he's not. And I think that, that kind of coach, brings out the best, I love it. The truth part that's we got to start from truth, we got to start from Trump, you know what? I wasn't, I want to be a good father. My wife and I, let me we'll, I want to tell you what we do once a year or twice a year. We do what we call a relationship diagnostic now. You take your car when the red light comes on or the check engine light comes on and you take it and put it up on a rack, right? To see what's wrong with it. For me and my wife. What we do is we do it once or twice a year to, and we have this formula, this format, where we look at our relationship from her perspective and from my perspective. And so we did the last one in July and we went to Jamaica. And almost every damn year she says shit that I'm like, damn, I thought I was good. I'm not, I'm working my ass off to be the best father, grandfather, best husband. But you know what? Instead of getting upset. You know what I told her this year? I said, you know what, honey, I'm going to be better. I'm going to incorporate what you said now. Now change might take me a minute because she said I work too much. She said that sometimes she might feel lonely or neglected. And I was like, Dana, for real, I can't have that. And that, and so she will tell you that I've worked like hell Cut work off. Let's go here. We can. Put my phone aside that I've worked on it and I will continue to, but that truth hurts, but the truth helps you get better.

Michael: It does. And the truth is guys, if you're watching on YouTube, by the way, my camera just told me it overheated. Cause Ken is so on fire right now. So, we did lose my video, but that's okay. And I think that diagnostic is important, we need to do it as individuals, we need to do it. In relationships, we need to do it with our finances, we need to do it with our health. And most importantly, Ken, and I think that you'll agree is sometimes you need a guy like a Ken or like a Michael in your life to sit across from you and keep it real with you. And as men we, we cannot placate each other. We must. Do you know what men are most successful? It's the men who have been challenged to rise to an occasion. Sure. You look at the greatest men of all time, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X Thurgood Marshall, you look at these powerful men who have done things, JFK, it's unbelievable, I couldn't hit Marcus Aurelius, Kobe Bryant, David Meltzer, Tom Bilyeu, me, we have all had to raise our standards to a challenge in front of us where we sat in front of something and we said, we don't like this. So, we're going to do something about it. And my friend, I applaud you for that. I'm going to ask you a couple more questions here. I know we're almost out of time, but there's a really interesting, I want to circle back to. A couple of names I mentioned earlier, one of the reasons that I started this podcast is because when I look at some gentlemen in the world who are promoting manhood and masculinity, I don't align with it. I don't really align with red pill theory. I definitely don't align with Andrew Tate. If I have, if I was a father and I knew my son was listening to that dude, I'd be like, I have fun, fucked up real bad, this is my opinion. I know people love him. I get it. What are your thoughts about men in this concept of red pill right now? And what do they need to be cautious of? If anything, maybe you're a huge proponent. I don't know. That's what I'm asking.

Ken: I am not, and so I talk about that because, I'm a big proponent of energy, right? So, I want you to think about even Kevin Samuels. The problem is a lot of what Kevin Samuel said was true. A lot of it had some truth base. The problem is the energy by which he presented it. So, he presented it from a dehumanization standpoint, I may present the very same thing that he said, but I presented from an uplifting, empowering standpoint, and then the end user receives it differently. See red pill, blue pill. Here's the problem, it's seated in division. The energy comes from a place of let's divide. All right let's keep, let's let this. I believe that God wants I love is the greatest of them all. And I believe that we, let's empower the relationship, but when you talk about red pill, blue pill, it comes from a place of division. It comes from a place of anger, it comes from a place of bitterness. I understand you're trying to enlighten people, but you enlighten me from a standpoint of I'm angry at the other person. I'm angry. It's your fault. It's your fault. I am the way that I am. And so when you come from that place, there cannot be any cohesion, no partnership. I cannot partner with somebody like that, you know what? And so that's the problem I have with it. I feel Andrew Tate does the exact same thing. I feel like where they're coming from that energy, it's the energy of division and that's my tickle.

Michael: I've never heard anyone phrase it that way. And I think that you probably just summarize what I've been trying to extrapolate out of my own brain. Because when I see these guys, I can't help but think that they have some unresolved wounds. Sure. And we all do. I'm never going to sit here and be like, I don't have wounds. I certainly do. But what I will say about it is that I love that perspective before I can ask you my last question, Ken, where can everyone learn more about you and especially these guys who need support? How can they come and be a part of your program?

Ken: So what I would tell the guys that reach out to me at coach kencanion.com. I'm on every social media platform at coach pin Canyon. And I answer all of my DMS. I answer every single one, even though I finally got a team, but I answer every one of them because why? Because there are some people see, I don't know who's on the other end. I don't know if that person on the other end is about to take their life. So what do I do? I make it a prior. Everybody's a priority. Now we're growing event. I may have to get somebody to start answering, but right now that is what I do because they can reach out to me at coach Ken Canyon on every platform. That's Instagram, YouTube tick tock even Facebook, and so that's what I do, and that's how you can find them.

Michael: Amazing brother. My last question for you. What does it mean to you to be unbroken?

Ken: Wow. That question. I want to give that some thought for a second. And I think there is a process and I forget the name of it. And I want to, it is when, back into, back in the 1500s a Japanese emperor used to, he broke his favorite, he broke his favorite mug and so they could not repair the mug. He sent it to craftsmen in his area and they tried to repair the mug. And it never came back looking like he wanted it. It was a and so what he did was he sent it to China. I think it was and the craftsman in China. What they did was they took the pieces of it. It's called Kintsugi. And what they did was they arranged the pieces back, but they arranged them with gold resin. And so, when the emperor finally got his mug back, he said, Oh my God, it is different, but it's more beautiful. It's more beautiful than it was before it was broken. And so, then it became a work of art. I think unbroken is like that. We all have had things that have tried to break us or that may have broken us in the moment, but when we healed and we're put back together, we're added with the resin, the gold resonances that make us this unique piece of art, artwork that God has created. And now it's not broken anymore, but now it's got the wisdom, much more wisdom than it had before. And so now it's way more valuable. It's got the more wisdom and now it's uniquely designed for its purpose. I think that's what I'm looking at.

Michael: And that's what these men are. And that's why I started this show. Like your purpose is in front of you. You must elevate, you must raise your standards. You must get support, but know that you're already worthy. And I think that's the biggest thing, man. Like you are already worthy as you are as a man, as a human being in the light of the eternals, God, spirit, universe, mother, nature, however you identify. And ultimately you are unbroken. Ken, my friend, thank you so much for being here. It was an honor to spend your time, my time with you. And for those of you listening brothers, thank you.

And Until Next Time,

 Be Unbroken.

I'll See You Guys.