How Childhood Trauma Shapes Our Healing Journey | with Arlina Allen

Michael Unbroken: One of the things I think about all the time is how difficult the journey of healing while navigating recovery from addiction can be. And that's why I wanted to talk to you today, Arlina. I know that your journey and your experience of both of these things have empowered so many people to create massive change and shift in their life. And so, I'm very curious, why should someone listen to today's episode?

Arlina Allen: Today we're going to talk about, skepticism a little bit. There is something I called recovery resistance. And that has to do with the, this idea that we have resistance when we are faced with ideas that really challenge us. And so the reason someone should listen to me is I bring this approach of skepticism, but coupled with compassion so that people can, work through challenging ideas and improve their lives.

Michael Unbroken: What is one thing that you wish you would have known when you started this journey?

Arlina Allen: Man, I think the thing that I wish I would have known is that it wasn't my fault, right? I had a lot of experiences when I was young that I had some sexual abuse, some, my parents divorce and things that happened when I was really young. And it made me feel like it was my fault, like I was bad. And that was my basis for operation that I was bad. And so I really wish I knew that it wasn't my fault.

Michael Unbroken: I think a lot of people struggle with that. I know I certainly did, like when I was a child and so many of the things that I went through in terms of not even just abuse, but just like the day to day life, like I felt shame. I felt guilt. I felt like so many of those things were my fault. And when you track that, it lays this framework for the life that you're meant to live. And I think one of the really unfortunate parts about that is so many people, they feel like they're victim. Yeah. To so much of it, and they get trapped in it, and they can't escape it. What was childhood like for you? What were your experiences that you felt that?

Arlina Allen: I grew up in the church, and so I had these ideas presented before me about, they were really rooted in perfectionism and that I was bad and needed redemption. And so I was coming from this place that, I wasn't good enough. And then couple that with the things that happened in my childhood. My parents divorced and I was about seven and I took it really hard. It was really hard on me. My dad, even though he was like this government, former military Marine guy, he was actually the softie. He was the one that had all the emotional support. And my mom, she immigrated from Mexico city and she was the hard ass. And when my parents divorced and my dad left, my, the. Person that made me feel the safest, the one who saw me was gone. And my mom, when I was growing up, she had two predominant feelings. She was either really happy or really pissed off. And I felt like she saved her happy face for the outside world. She'd be on the phone talking to her girlfriends and then hang up and turn around and yell at us. For, not cleaning something or, whatever. And so I internalized all that, that there was something wrong with me. Like I wasn't good enough. And while that was really challenging at the same time, fast forward to today, I recognize that's where my, my achievement junkies self was born out of this need. My ambition was born out of this need to perform so that I could receive love. So while it was really challenging living in a household with a critical parent I can see that there was something positive that was born out of that. But that is, that was a long road between start to finish.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, of course, and it always is, and it's so interesting that when, whenever I sit somebody, sit down with someone who has this tie to perfectionism, there's an addiction in there somewhere, almost every single time.

Arlina Allen: Yeah, it's this I had such a need to be loved and accepted by my mom and she was pretty critical. Actually, both my parents were pretty critical. My dad was like this nurturing, person. But when I got a little bit older, he became like. this interrogator, right? Like he was always playing devil's advocate. And so I was always having to be put in this position where I was always defending myself. And, my brother actually lived with my dad, the longest he became an attorney, right? He just was so immersive, but all this to say that I just didn't feel good enough. But when I performed, like literally when I was young, I would dance on stage with this Mexican dance company, I would just feel so lit up because I was getting a lot of praise, I'd win trophies and stuff. And it just, that became my, that was like the thing I started to chase very young was this idea that if I can get people to like me or approve of me by this performance, then I would be okay.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, external validation's a motherfucker. Because external validation, like it never fills you up. And what I experienced with it was this feeling of I was, I played four sports in high school. I did really well at wrestling. So I'd win tournaments and championships. We sucked at football for sure. So we'd lose all the time. That as an adult, the external validation ended up coming into play for me with, women and with friends, and I would do things like go by the bar, spend thousands of dollars for all these people who have no idea who I am for that 10 second of the applause that comes. I go by the bar one day and everybody applause and you feel like you're a superhero. And then you're like, I just spent 1000. I'm really stupid. And so you seek this eternal external validation, but it's always empty. And then we find other ways to start filling it up. So, what I'm curious about Was that your first addiction? Was that the first thing that you're like, Man, this is really something I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get?

Arlina Allen: Yeah, for sure. I was on TV a couple of times as a kid and had all that external validation from the kids at school. Like I had my 15 minutes of fame, like in first and second grade. And then I chased that feeling of just wanting to perform. And then I did translate that to, the male gaze, so to speak. I spent a lot of time and energy decorating the inside or the outside, but I felt empty on the inside. Like I just, yeah, I definitely was striving for that male attention, but it was so short lived

Michael Unbroken: Where does the journey into addiction really start for you? Like I, I think about for me, the very first time I got high, I was 12 years old. And I was on a bike ride with my best friend, and it was literally the greatest moment of my life. Even to this day, even all this work later, 40 years old, all the things I've done and I've been through that 12 year old bike ride, getting stoned for the first time, was the most free I've ever felt in my life.

Arlina Allen: too. I really relate to that. So the first time I had a drink, my, my mom, my parents were divorced. I have an older sister who was like the compliant child. I was like the black sheep, bad kid. Mom went out on a date. And I was between eight and 10 years old. I'm not really sure how old I was, but I decided to go for this dusty old bottle in the cabinet, this bottle of booze. I remember I had clear glass, brown liquid. Listen, I'm 56 years old. I remember this. 8 year old, 10 year old experience like it was yesterday, my parents didn't drink as somebody must have left it in the house. I'm not really sure why I decided to do this, but it was like the excitement of doing something bad, right? And because my sister was the good girl, she didn't participate. But I remember taking that. First drink, the way it burned my lips, the way it burned all the way down. And then when it hit bottom, like that warmth that spread through my whole body. And it was like all this self loathing that I had all the, I had self loathing and self hatred from such a young age, but all of that got lifted and all that was left was like this really good euphoric feeling. And I feel like the juxtaposition of those two feelings was like. And I was like, Oh my God, this is the thing. Like it was a magic, it was a spiritual experience. It was my, probably my first spiritual experience was just feeling that euphoria of the absence of self loathing.

Michael Unbroken: Where do you go from there?

Arlina Allen: Obviously I didn't become a daily drinker at 10 years old, I started, ​smoking weed at 14 and experimenting with booze. I got in trouble at school a couple of times but I was loaded when I got in trouble. But I wasn't getting in trouble for drinking. I was getting in trouble for behaving badly. And then it progressed, in high school, I was pretty much high the entire time, drink. I was a binge drinker. So I didn't I was never like a daily drinker, but I was a binge drinker. But weed was my thing. If I remember in high school, the pastor's daughter was the biggest donor I had ever met my entire life. And she said that not being high was her altered reality. And I was like, I want to be just like her. I just thought I just, and I just wanted that feeling of, the pink Floyd song, but comfortably numb. I just wanted like relief from all this emotional pain that I had. I had a lot of turmoil with my mom at home. My dad's house was, a safe place, but there were some problems there too, but, and then it just escalated to the point where, when I was 25 years old, I was just like. I just couldn't do it anymore. And I had a couple of friends, I was in this outside sales. Gig and I met these 2 guys who didn't drink and we'd go out to lunch, they'd order like a iced tea or whatever. And I, got, curious, like, why aren't you drinking? And they started sharing their stories with me and they were breaking off little bits of wisdom. If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. And I had been sharing stories of, all the problems I was having, boy problems, work problems, family problems, friend problems. I was a hot mess. And and a couple of years prior, I'd had probably a bottom, like you and I've talked about this before. I, I had my bottom was like rock skipping at the top of like I was, I skipped a long rock bottom for a minute and this one night was really bad. The police were involved. I physically assaulted my sister and the next morning I woke up. With the sinking, sickening feeling that something terrible had happened the night before and my hand was all busted up from punching the windshield. This is all secondhand information. My sister had to tell me everything that had happened. She and I had gone out and I just went buck wild. I had these 2 alter egos when I was drinking. It was like either badass Betsy or wimpy Wendy because I was either fighting or crying. Like I was just. Out of my mind when I drank, as soon as I started drinking, I just wanted more. So by the time I was 25 years old and I meet these two guys, I was really ready for a change and that's when they were introducing me to ideas of recovery. And eventually I was just like, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and decided to go with one of them to a meeting.

Michael Unbroken: I'm curious, do you know what the ACE score is? Are you familiar with…

Arlina Allen: Adverse childhood experiences.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, one of the things I was thinking about as you were talking here, because this survey This study in the nineties really changed my life forever. And it's been a lot of the foundation of the baseline of what I talk about and do in coaching, but also in my own healing journey. And there was a moment where I'm sitting in this chaotic experience of trying to heal, but figure out who I am and deal with so many of the things in my head that I came across this video where this Dr. Felitti was talking about the ACE survey. And he said something that in that moment clicked for me and changed my life forever. And He said that the higher a score you have the higher risk you have for addiction and there are Studies within this that show that people have an a score of four or more and this can be like abuse This could be mental emotional physical sexual abuse spiritual abuse divorce Someone in the household being suicidal or going to prison thinkunbroken.com. There's a link to the a score on the site. You can find out what yours is but if you answer yes to 4 or more of these 10 questions, you are 7 times more likely to be an alcoholic. And if you answer yes to 7 or more, you might as well say goodbye to 20 years of your life and you're probably going to die from alcoholism. Which is so insane because it becomes this crazy coping mechanism, right? When, I wrote this note because I was thinking about How I want to ask this question, because when I got hired drunk, it felt like what life should feel like instead of the pain and the hurt and the suffering and feeling invisible or lost or whatever the thing was that I'd been dealing with that I hadn't been dealing with, right? That drug is an alcohol and the women felt like safe.

Arlina Allen: Yeah.

Michael Unbroken: You relate to that at all?

Arlina Allen: hundred percent. Yeah. My score is pretty high. I don't remember what it is now, but the, I often say that drugs and alcohol actually saved my life because I didn't have any coping skills to process my pain to resolution, right? I didn't, I wasn't raised with any kind of coping skills. My parents actually didn't, my age, mental health and solutions were just not available. It wasn't in the, like the. Social lexicon, like it is now, my parents just did not know what to do with me is the thing. And so, I found my own ways of finding relief and the drugs and alcohol are definitely a part of that.

Michael Unbroken: Navigating these relationships with our parents when you're also dealing with that can be really difficult. Did they know?

Arlina Allen: There were a couple of times, I remember being a kid in junior high and going to this place called golf land. All the kids in junior high would go to golf land, and my dad picked me up one time and I was hammered and I was just like, Hey, I was just curious. And just wanted to see what it feel like they thought it was funny. They blew it off. Later, I think once my mom found a little weed pipe and she was thoroughly disgusted. My mother had such high standards. She was a total goody two shoes and she was totally disgusted by my drug use. But nobody ever really called me out on it. No one ever said oh, you're an addict. It just wasn't, we're talking. I'm 56. So, this, it was a long time ago. There was no and I didn't know about rehabs or anything like that. 30 years ago, and I was thinking about getting sober. The only thing that was available was 12 step it wasn't like my family was calling me out on my drinking and using per se, they were calling me out for being a bad person,

Michael Unbroken: Wow. Yeah. And not probably connecting the dots that the drugs and alcohol are leading down the path of the poor decision making.

Arlina Allen: Maybe connected. Yeah.

Michael Unbroken: And it's so funny to think about that because people will go why do you behave like we drink? We're fine. We get high, we are fine. And I'm like, are you though? Are you?

Arlina Allen: So, I learned that. When I was growing up, my mom would use anger to control my feelings. I had really big feelings. She didn't know what to do with it. She would get angry and I would shrink down. And what I was doing was suppressing my feelings. I was suppressing, but you and I know that time does not heal all wounds. The pain waits, and as soon as I poured alcohol on my pain, it would explode. And so that's when all my stuff came out and that's why I could never predict my behavior. Once I started drinking, I didn't realize that I had so much unprocessed pain. I was dissociating from a very young age, right All about that and when we dissociate, it's not as if those experience go away. It's locked away in a barrel of toxic waste that leeches out into everything else and, pour alcohol on that. There was a couple of things that would happen to me as soon as I would drink alcohol. This feeling of more would kick in, right? Like I had no off switch. So I was definitely a blackout drinker. Like Party to You Puke was like my motto. I made a joke out of everything, right? If I said if I didn't have splash marks on my shoes the next day, it wasn't a good time. Like I was just this wild party girl, right? But it was a response to all the pain that was unprocessed deep inside. I had no coping skills.

Michael Unbroken: One of the things that, I think about a lot, because I grew up in the Mormon Church, and that in its own right was incredibly traumatic, especially being biracial growing up in the Mormon Church. It's a whole story we're not going to get into right now. But I'm really curious, do you think that the religious pressures, the pressures of your father being very spiritual and religious, did that play a role? Because I see this. Can another just connecting dots because part of this I want to help people understand their own dots, right? And I always see that generally speaking. I won't say always Generally speaking. I see this connected dots between the religious pressures to be good and addiction And I’m just wondering if you think that was a factor not necessarily to throw religion under the bus But just seeing if there's a correlation there.

Arlina Allen: Yeah. Listen, that's a great question. I'm so glad you asked that. And I'm not afraid to throw religion under the bus because, I was, the sad thing is, it's like the teaching is of Jesus was all about forgiveness. It's such a compassionate, beautiful idea of forgiveness and redemption. It's we're human, we're not going to be perfect. It's okay to make mistakes. I did not get that message. I got the message that if I wasn't perfect, that I would be condemned. And I was presented with these ideals, like the ideals of Jesus, this perfectionism ideals are funny. It's a mental construct, it's like the horizon. You could always walk towards the horizon, but you'll never arrive. And that's like what these ideals were that I was absorbing, but nobody explained to me what was missing was the context and perspective that yes, it's okay to be human. That's how I was made, but in this religious. In the parlance of religion, it's, there's a lot of perfectionism that's expected. And so, I was trying to live up to these ideals and it was this constant failure over and over and I just gave up. I was like, fuck this, if I can't be perfect, then what am I doing here? And I abandoned this idea of, the sky daddy, the religious God I absolutely abandoned that, but I threw out the baby with the bath water because I have since learned that spirituality is different. It can be separate, like they're not mutually exclusive, but spirituality was something that God, that was such a gift to hear that you could divorce religion from spirituality. I didn't know that was a thing until I got sober.

Michael Unbroken: So You're having conversation and thank you because I just wanted to paint like a deeper picture for people of your experience Because it's not something I want to gloss over right there's I've coached thousands of people and the people who have This deeply religious trauma, which I'm one of those people, we tend to want to escape it right and maybe, through whatever avenue that might be do the opposite. And this is something I think about a lot. You try to force this stuff down people's throats. throats, they will push back and they may not push back in terms of I'm leaving the church. They'll push back into drugs and alcohol and promiscuity and things that actually really hurt them because they don't feel good enough in the place in which they're supposed to be the most safe in the world. And that's such a crazy idea to reconcile when you think about this is supposed to be the place where it's safe And so thank you for sharing that.

Arlina Allen: Yeah. I spent 10 years in Silicon Valley working at tech startups and it was, it's the sales principle. That if you push somebody, the natural instinct is to push back and these ideas of religious perfectionism is all about push, right? It's not really about attraction. It's about push. And so for me, I have a little rebellious at heart, I have this rebellious streak and so it just brought out the worst in me.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, unfortunately, you see it does do that for some people, right? Now, of course, there's the opposite where it brings out greatness in people I have a couple of family members deep down my family who I think to myself man I'm really happy they found church because they used to suck and their lives are so much better, right? And that's a part of it too. So I, I don't want to brush over that. Let's fast forward or rewind back to fast forwarding to you at 25 years old. So life is pretty messy, and you're sitting down, you're having conversation with these guys, they don't drink, this impetus starts to sit over you, you have this rock bottom, basically assault your sister, were you, did you get arrested that night then?

Arlina Allen: I did not. I was actually dating a police officer. And so when the police showed up, he was my get out. He was literally my get out of jail free card. I would get pulled over loaded and I'd hand his business card and they would let me go drunk or not.

Michael Unbroken: And that's insane, by the…

Arlina Allen: Yeah. Four times I always, after I got sober, people in my community would say, you know what, that's a, yet for you, if you go out and get loaded, that's a yet for you. Yeah. So, I would so that night and this bottom happened two years before I actually got sober. Cause I, So I was the first time I was confronted with this idea that maybe I'm an alcoholic, maybe my drinking is a problem. I thought my problem was I didn't make enough money and I didn't have the right man. I thought my life would be perfect if I had enough money and if I found love, I was looking for the shiny armor. Unfortunately, I was a hot mess. So, they often passed. But, yeah, so I had this really bad night with my sister, and then I started contemplating the idea that I had a problem. It took me 2 years of practicing moderation or trying to practice moderation before I came to the conclusion that I needed to quit. And it was just like, Serendipity that these two guys came into my life and listen, they're fine, upstanding members of these programs. They we call it escalating as they eskimoed me into the program. They brought me in from out of the cold into this place and they quickly turned me over to the women because there's this idea that women work with the women, which I understand now, because when I started working with this gal, it was my first experience of true intimacy. Like I could tell her anything and she met all my worst fears and stories with compassion. And I think if she were a man, I probably would have decided I needed to have sex with her. Do you know what I mean? I guess that was like, that was my first experience of true intimacy because I was safe to be who I really was in her presence.

Michael Unbroken: I think that there's often this like long tail experience from idea and pre contemplation, the maybe, to the contemplation of yeah, probably, to the action. ​and I think a lot of people can get trapped in that space, and that two years, while it can seem like a long period of time, for some might be very short. For others, it might be 20 years. For others, it might be two days or two months. And I'm curious, as you're in that space, because I want to sit in that space for a moment what is the conversation you're having with yourself about the maybe? Because for me, what it was, I'm looking at my life in it's disastrous at 26 years old. I'm 350 pounds, two packs a day. Smoking, drinking, we're drinking two bottles of wine at night, probably going to the bar three or four times a week. If I'm having sex with my girlfriend at the time, we're both completely trashed. Every day is a hangover. Like the next day we're solving that problem by going and getting fast food and plan B because it was that kind of thing. And, you wake up one day and you're like, what is my life? But I was not in this space of being like, I'm an alcoholic. What I think I needed to do really desperately was go to therapy, which ultimately became a catalyst in the journey. Sobriety would come later, and all these other things that I talk about but there was a couple year period there where every single day I'm waking up and I'm like, What the fuck is going on? What was the maybe timeline like for you? What were those experiences?

Arlina Allen: I was working like this corporate gig and I would wake up in the morning, like I would, I always worked like I'm a worker. I've always had 2 or 3 jobs my whole life. So I'm in this corporate gig and this is before it gets over obviously. And I would go to work. There were days when I'd be at a stoplight and I'd have to open the door to vomit like I was like this and I, tried to brush it off as I was just a party girl, but all my peers were starting to get their shit together. And I wasn't, I still had a job. I had a car, I had a bougie apartment, but I felt I was doing these things like waking, I'd wake up and be like, Oh my God, that's not my ceiling, look down. That's not my comforter, I look over. It's who is that? Chill like that. Like my mama did not raise me to be that way. Like we had some high, I grew up with some high standards and I was, I just kept getting these glimpses. They were like flashes of shame. Where I'd be like, my mama didn't raise me to be like this, and then I would quickly brush it off with it's okay. I'm just a party girl, work hard, play hard, just like all that kind of stuff, but these things were happening more and more. And I was having these experiences, like humiliating experiences. And I, that two years, it may seem short to some people, but when you're in pain, that is a long time, like a painful stretch of hating who you are, contemplating, should I even be on the planet? That kind of it was, it got dark for me and I was so afraid of letting go of the drugs and alcohol. And I would do all these like Tony Robbins. I did like the 30 day cassette, program. I was doing all this stuff, change your mind, change your life. I was doing all these, self improvement things. I spent the two years in the self help section at Barnes and Noble. I was trying to think my way into right living is what I was doing. Instead of live my way into right thinking, I had it backwards. So much of my thinking was backwards, but yeah, it was, it felt, I felt long, even though it was two years, it felt ‘cause it was painful the whole time.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah. And it's funny for me, that personal development journey, that became a catalyst, right? Because I would just look at these people and I go, they've clearly figured something out, and I have not figured it out, and I wanna know what that is.

Arlina Allen: Figure it out is not a slogan. Yeah.

Michael Unbroken: Right? And it's and so here I am. I'm like, okay, wait a second. There is a step-by-step process. There is something practical, because I'm very analytical like you, I'm a skeptic, I'm a contrarian by nature, I question everything, ​I don't do anything the government tells me to do I do what I want, and you, but at the same time, it's I want to make educated decisions in what I'm doing, and when I would sit in these spaces with these amazing people like Tony, who I've spent a ton of time with, even personally People like Brendan Burchard, people like Gary Vaynerchuk, all these men who really ushered me into this phase, David Meltzer, Anthony Trucks, my best friend, Damon, like the list goes on and on. But what I will say is in the beginning, I rebuked it. I was like, I don't know if this is for me. I don't know why I'm doing this, but it just seems like there's something there. Where did, cause Think Unbroken, this podcast, our books, our online events, everything. We're personal development.

That's what this is, this isn't a place where we just come and talk about how shitty life is, right? It's what do we do? Why were you so attracted to that? What was it about that, that your life was like, oh wow, I need this.

Arlina Allen: It was interesting. So I was highly motivated by money. I grew up poor. And I was highly motivated by money. I really thought money was going to solve all my problems. And when I, I have to give Tony Robbins a lot of credit. I know he has a bad rap sometimes, but it was the first time I was introduced to this idea that if I changed my mind, I could change my life. And that if somebody had accomplished what I wanted, I could do it too, right? That this idea of modeling behavior. So, I had this, maybe they were illusions of grandeur at the time, but I was like, you know what? I'll be damned if I'm not going to be that person that doesn't succeed. You know what I mean? I was like willing to do whatever it took to be successful. I knew every time I did one of those personal development things, I knew that drugs and alcohol were the first thing that had to go. But I really couldn't. It took me. I really needed help. I couldn't do it by myself. I always knew that was the first thing, but on the other side of that sort of sparked this obsession with behavior change, like learning to figure out what really was underneath. My compulsion to use, to drink and use, to check out, to numb my feelings. And then I started, it was so interesting because the two year period in the Barnes and Noble section sparked this love for learning. And it became my other addiction because it's like, you get a new insight, you learn a little more about yourself. You get this dopamine hit, but what is critical. Is the action mood follows action. And in the 12 step parlance is, you take action, you try to find access to power and then you take massive action. And I don't know, I was just all in. I had, I think maybe because I have such ambition, this deep seated belief that I wasn't good enough sparked this kind of alter ego of perfectionism, ambition, wanting to strive. And, the external validation is tough, but we can still leverage it. Like I learned in recovery that I could leverage what some people saw as character defects or personality traits that are out of balance. I learned that I could leverage those things to motivate me. And sometimes that leverage in the beginning was fear based and I would argue that fear based motivation is good to start momentum, but it's not a sustainable fuel source. I needed to switch mid flight. To a fuel store, a fuel source that was based in love, rooted in love and service and things like that. And that's where this idea of developing a community was so important to me. No, Jim Rohn was that guy who popularized this idea that we're the average of the five people that we spend the most time with. And so I started seeking out people that were the winners. They say in program, hang out with the winners. And it's interesting because science has now proven that there's I forget what it's called. It's like a mathematical equation. I think it's a, the law of averages social contagion theory implies that, we are so heavily influenced our behaviors, thoughts, beliefs by the people that we hang out with. So I really started to change my environment and the people that I hung out with, I was choosing people who had what I wanted and just, it just became an obsession.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, super powerful. Yeah. I could track my own experience to that very easily. And it's funny because you said fear, as I was writing the word and there's this interesting dichotomy of the experience that really the shame and guilt that we feel is Parlayed with shame, and yet if we don't do something about it, the guilt and fear and shame actually exponentially grow and the wall gets higher and higher to try to pull vault over. And so I'm curious if we're in this path of fear, using it as a catalyst to walk into the healing journey, how do you do that? Because I think that most people, the idea of shame is so heavily correlated with fear, especially around something like addiction, that the idea of crossing the threshold into a meeting or asking for help is the closest thing to death.

Arlina Allen: Right. The truth of the matter is that the pain of staying the same became greater than the pain of changing. I just could not take it anymore. I was in so much pain and I was afraid that if I didn't change, it would just keep going and I just couldn't take it anymore. So that in my mind, that's leveraging fear to just get started. Like I was…

Michael Unbroken: Is that rock bottom? I'm asking you this because that's the moment I had where I was like, fuck dude, enough. Is that really what rock bottom is?

Arlina Allen: I don't really know I feel like it's different for everyone and it was, I don't know if it was rock bottom, but it was the catalyst for change where I just couldn't take it for one more fucking second. I just couldn't do it. And I had people in my life who crack the door to, Hey, there's this other way. And so I think the it was the pain coupled with an opportunity, like the hope of something different. That was what motivated me to start taking action is to start doing the things that they were suggesting. And, they lowered the bar for me. They're like, Hey, I'll go with you to a meeting. Hey, you don't have to talk. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to do anything. Just check it out. And if you have any questions, let me know, right? That kind of thing. So I had some moral support. I was in so much pain. And let's be honest, by the time I was, ready to change, like I had burned all my bridges. Like I had ruined all my friendships. My family didn't want anything to do with me. Like work was suffering greatly. I was about to get fired probably. And I, so I really had I was like losing everything and they were like, Hey, and they, so I love the an acronym for hope. It's hearing other people's experiences. And these guys were sharing their experiences with me and they're like, come to this place. We talk about, how to get over this. Like they knew I wanted to quit drinking and using, they're like, just come check it out. So they lowered the bar and I had so much pain that I wanted to get away from is that's what made me start taking that first step into the right direction.

Michael Unbroken: How did they know? What was the kind of, because I want to paint a picture here. There are people who are suffering tremendously right now and they don't even know how to start the sentence. I need help. How do you, how did these guys know? What was the conversation like where you're like, Oh, these guys knew, right?

Arlina Allen: So when I was in the sales, I saw my job. It was my job to make friends with people. And so we go out to lunch and be like, Hey, what'd you do this weekend? What'd you do this weekend? And I'd always have these crazy stories. And my God, and, they would be like, yeah, I used to do that stuff too. And now I don't do that. And I'd be like, why not? And then they would tell me all the great things that they were experiencing. And I was like, I want some of that. They talk about freedom of guilt and shame, the healing, and they would share their stories too. Like one of the guys, Randy, he had some childhood sexual abuse that he shared. People didn't talk about that 30 years ago, right? It feels like maybe because the bubble that you and I are in, we're in this sort of self help. Personal growth, that, that trauma like that comes up 30 years ago. People don't talk about that shit. Like people didn't talk about what really happened. And then they invited me to this meeting and I went there and I was hearing these stories that were just like mine. I thought I was the only one who hated myself in this very specific way. I thought I was the only one that was like, party till you puke kind of girl and, they were going to jail and doing all, and I, people, it was the first time I was exposed to a group of people who were being honest. About how they, about their feelings, they were saying shit out loud that I never thought I would say, and they were just so comfortable with it. So it gave me the courage to be honest about the things I was doing and it.

Michael Unbroken: Where did the skeptic. Yeah, total. Because it's exposure, right? ​and it's community, and its accountability and its moral support, and it's all of those things that were, we desperately crave in childhood that were denied.

Arlina Allen: Desperately crave that, but it was also coupled with I'm not like that anymore and I started doing these things and my life started to change. I learned it was a lot about emotion management type stuff, right? But I, it gave me a safe place to be really honest about what I was doing and how I was feeling and they made it. Okay. They made me feel safe. I was young. I was 25 years old and I got sober and I was in rooms of people that were much older than me, but they were representing like the mom and dad that I wish I would have had. I wanted to be able to tell my parents what was really going on, but there was so much judgment that I couldn't be honest with them. But these people were so kind and loving and accepting and nurturing that they were like, you know what? It's not your fault. That was the first time that it was like, Oh, it's not your fault. There's this, they called it a disease. They said I had trauma. Like they were explaining why I was the way I was. And they were like, if you do these other things, they're like, you need a sufficient substitute. This coping skill that you have of drinking and using, that's killing you. I'm really lucky. I didn't kill myself. I used to drink and drive all the time. I'll, I was a young woman putting myself in dangerous situations. Nothing really ever happened to me. I didn't get any accidents, didn't hurt anybody, but they were like, you know what? If you do these things, you'll start to feel better. You'll learn how to manage your emotions and process your pain to resolution. And I was like, sign me up.

Michael Unbroken: So where does the skepticism come in?

Arlina Allen: So, they won. I remember sitting in this guy's office, right? And, he's 12 step oriented. He was going to a, and he was like, have you thought about going? And I was like, no, because I'm not like those people. I had this image in my mind of what I thought those people look like. And he was like I'm 1 of those people. And I was like, oh. Okay, whatever. He was like, here's this 12 steps. So he had it on a little pamphlet or whatever bookmark and split it across a desk. I read it, fell flat. I saw God, I saw powerless. I saw alcoholic. I'm like, dude, I don't think this is, I don't think I can do this. So what he ended up providing me was context. And perspective, right? He started to introduce, I was introduced early on, like, when I saw God, I was like, Oh no, I was like, if that's what this is, I'm not going to be able to do it. And I met this gal early on. I talk about her a lot in my book the 12 step guide for skeptics. I talk about her a lot because she was the one who walked me through the steps and she started, I was like, you know what, if that's what this is, I'm not going to be able to do it. And she's let's just do something. She just humor me just for funsies. If God is a thing. Write down all the characteristics of what you would want it to be. And then all the things that you wouldn't want it to be. So I was like, okay, what do I want it to be? I want it to be loving, all powerful. I'm the favorite clearly. Just compassionate, just all this positive stuff. And then on the opposite side, it was like I don't want it to be punishing, condemning judgmental just all this negative stuff. And when I was done, she was like, okay, let me see her paper. I handed it to her. She tore it down the middle. And she handed me the positive side and she's we're just going to start there. And I'm like, that's it. And she was like, that's it. And so it had to be something that made sense to me. So it wasn't, she was like, yeah, religion and spirituality are actually two different things. You can separate it. I didn't know that was a thing. So she lowered the bar. She made it make sense to me. ‘Cause I fancy myself as a science girl. Like I need things to make sense, but what I love about science is it depersonal when I started learning all the mechanisms of limiting beliefs and addiction and what drives it, I realized that it was. Looking at it through a science lens, it was impersonal. If anybody had been in my situation, they probably would have been ended up as an alcoholic or drug addict as well. And so that took the moral meaning out of it. I wasn't bad. I was almost a victim of my circumstance, but right away it was like, it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. And if you want to feel better, we're invoking the law of cause and effect, you take some actions, you get specific results. She, I learned this idea early on of run the experiment because people love to give advice, but I didn't trust anybody and she was like, you don't have to trust anybody. Just take these suggestions and run the experiment for yourself. And that's just how it started. I was super skeptical, didn't trust anyone, had a rebellious nature, and she's cool, hang on to all that shit and find out for yourself. Just run the experiment. And pretty soon I started noticing that there were people who were saying things that resonated with me, and I would run the experiment and it would come out in my favor. And I began to trust people.

Michael Unbroken: what's an example of one of those experience one of those experiments?

Arlina Allen: Oh God, that's a great question. Let's take prayer for instance, because I was like, I was. It gave me the, heebie jeebies, I was like, listen, me and God are not friends anymore. So I don't think I want to talk to God. And she's just think about, just try it. She was like, just for funsies, say, thank you say, please help me in the morning and say thank you at night. And I was like, fine. So I didn't know who I was praying to really, but I just started going through the motions and over time I started seeing positive results. Like I was able to stay sober one day at a time. I was taking simple directions and having positive experiences and it just started small. Like I needed to start really small, just testing the waters. And over time, I was like, okay, that went well. Let me try something else. Let me try something else. Working the steps was one of those things. Everyone's you need to work the steps. So and I will just say that one of the things I write in the book is that the meetings. And the program are two separate things. The people and the program are two separate things. So meetings is where you go to get a guide hear about other people's experiences, but the program is actually working the 12 steps. It's a largely a writing exercise. And so it just I just eased into it and I had people around me who were doing these things and getting positive results. I wanted, but they had, so I just did the whole modeling thing. And yeah, listen, I haven't had a drink for over 30 years.

Michael Unbroken: How did that experience impact your healing journey when it came to the traumatic experiences that you had as a child?

Arlina Allen: For me, I needed to put the drugs and alcohol down before I could seek professional help. Like for me, I needed to, there's this idea of neuroplasticity, right? And neuroplasticity actually happens at night when you're sleeping. But if you're doing drugs and alcohol, that disrupts your sleep. So you're really not retaining healing, whatever you want to call it. And so they were like, yeah, you really need to put this stuff down for. So it gave me a foundation of stability. I had peer 12 step is peer support. So I had some peer support, they're available 24, seven, your professionals are not. They come at a, you have to pay them a lot, but these other people were available 24/7. For me, the combination of peer support, having a place to go and talk about these things being around other people who are also sober combined with professional help, that's. What really helped me to get to those core wounds, those ideas that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't lovable because I was either too much or not enough that I was alone. These were all like these core wounds that began to heal once I put the drugs and alcohol down and then introduced. Professional help to, I really feel like it's important to hire a professional to deal with trauma, things like sexual abuse and all that stuff.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah. Yeah, and there's definitely a difference, right? And I found in my own journey that in the spaces of sobriety, and all levels, right? Sexual sobriety, emotional, mental, physical staying away from drugs, alcohol, not smoking, like being like literally as sober as a human can be, and sitting. In that discomfort, while, which was unbelievable, oh my god, the beginning. I always say, the first four years of this healing journey for me were a fucking nightmare. If you would have, if you would have told me what I was about to do before I did it, I don't know that I would have done it. Because it was so hard, but I'm thankful for every one of those days of massive discomfort. Because when I wasn't consumed with drugs and alcohol and women, the thing that it made me do was be consumed with myself. And in that consumption, it led down this path where I could sit in my therapist's office three or four times a week where I wasn't wasting because a big part of it was I was wasting money, on drugs.

Arlina Allen: Oh, yeah.

Michael Unbroken: Right? And you're like, I'm wasting money. And then I was wasting money by lying in therapy or not working with my coach and following the instructions. And it was like, okay, wait a second, hold on, time out. What if, hold on, I know it's a crazy notion. What if you just be totally fucking abstinent from everything and you just be alone?

Arlina Allen: Yeah.

Michael Unbroken: With these people who want to support you. I saw this Magnificent shift happen in my life, but people are so afraid of that. How did you deal with that space? Right that space of reconciling and realizing wait a second. I actually need to be with myself right now.

Arlina Allen: Yeah. I really needed my support system. I don't know if it's just me as a woman, but I needed to process my feelings out loud. And so whenever I felt discomfort, I would reach for the phone. And this is where my self centeredness came in handy because I would reach out to somebody and I'd be like, Hey, can I run something by you? And I would say, this is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm thinking. This is why I think this way. And oftentimes, what I would be bumping up against was some sort of limiting belief, right? It's some sort, I would get triggered by something, right? I would get triggered by like some kind of anger. And so I would need to reach out to somebody else to help me process and rethink through cause I, we take action because we believe, we have certain we're trying to avoid something. We have this certain belief system. And anytime I was angry, that was a confrontation of my belief system. Everybody wants to transform within their current belief system, but then you get pissed off about something. And so I needed someone to take that to. And so I would take it to, my then sponsor and she did something amazing for me. She would say. Did you just want to vent or do you want feedback? And of course I wanted the feedback, right? Like I had already vented and she would help me focus on my behavior, my thoughts and my behaviors. And she would, often help me talk it through until I had empathy for the other person, how I made other people feel. I'd get into these arguments with people and I'd go through this process with her. It was like a little inventory where I would get really specific about the cause of my resentment, how I was affected, and then the choices that I made. But she introduced this idea of self compassion. She would be like, Oh, I can see why, like she'd validate my feelings. I could see why you'd feel this way. Here's some additional information because a limiting belief is either incorrect information or missing information. She would introduce these ideas and help me to put things into perspective. And that's really how I grew. So I wasn't avoiding my feelings. I was, that was how I started to, it wasn't just sitting with them. It was processing them to resolution. It was more like, they say you got to feel it to heal it. She would help me feel my feelings. Which was totally foreign to me. I wanted to avoid my feelings at all costs. So it was about leaning in with support and somebody who was loving and compassionate that would be like, it's not really your fault, but here's some other, she was just so gentle. I always chose people that were gentle and compassionate. And, so it wasn't just sitting with it. It was actively processing it as you handle.

Michael Unbroken: So one of the things I witnessed as I was like in that kind of same space where I started feeling feelings, which is a crazy thing because I'd been emotionally shut down pretty much my entire life there's a period of time.

Arlina Allen: Survival skill.

Michael Unbroken: To 100%.

Arlina Allen: Yeah.

Michael Unbroken: There's a period of time I didn't cry for 15 years, Even in light of the murder of my best friends, my mom dying, my grandma not a tear, it was crazy and now it's like I cry all the time, which is great. And what I'm curious, one of the things that happened, I started feeling these feelings, and then I realized there's this thing called agency. And I have the ability to stand up for myself and I have the ability to not be a code dependent person and a yes person and do shit that I hate go to country concerts, right? It's like you think about stuff like this, okay, you're allowed to be you, but in the being you process, you're on this consummate journey, right? I'm listening to personal development. I've got the therapist. I'm going to AA. I'm doing the work. I'm reading the books. I've got the support. Everything's here. But then there's still like the reality of your life, because I think that ends up being like its own container. Some of those things become self fulfilling prophecies. But outside of here, you still have all the fucking mess you've created. That you have to clean up. The relationships, the people, the bridges that have been burned, the people who now think that you're full of shit because you're in recovery. It's a whole So people, I would hear this, I think to myself, Oh, that's so amazing. And that sounds so grand. And I want my life to be like that too. But then there's the other side of it too, where you have to actually clean up your mess. What was that part like?

Arlina Allen: It was a little at a time. I didn't have to clean it all up all at once and truth be told, I didn't have any friends left. My family was, I was pretty much ostracized by my family and it was my mom and dad and my sister and my little stepbrother and they were based, they were just basically the last people I had left. So, me cleaning up my wreckage happened slowly. And there's this idea, I wish you a slow recovery because it is, it's overwhelming to think you have to do it all at once. And what I loved about the 12 step process, it was super pragmatic, right? It was like, here are some specific things that you can do. And, once I did so the 4 step is what they call a searching and fearless moral inventory. And that's when I got to write down all my resentments, all the people I was resentful at and get really specific about the causes. of the resentment and how it affected me. And the final part is, what was my role in all this? And what was so helpful about that is it gave me clarity because like when I was growing up, me and my mom would get in a fight and she'd be mad about something and I'd bring up some, she'd bring up something pretty soon. There's 10 things on the table. I don't know what we're fighting about anymore. It was just totally crazy making. But in this process, it helped me like break it down into tiny little pieces and get clear on what my patterns were. And that's when I started to recognize I had a pattern of taking inappropriate responsibility for others, like trying to control other people so that I can be happy and not taking appropriate responsibility for my own feelings. I was a consummate victim. I was always like being hurt by other people. And when I did this process. I saw in black and white area, I could see my patterns, right? I could see that my self esteem was taking hit after hit after hit. And to overcompensate, I was like trying to control it was, it was, but it was the first time I started I got clarity on all the dynamics. And then once I got clarity about what my part was, then I can actually go back to those people and just own my part. I wasn't worried about whether they were going to apologize for the shit that they did. I was very clear that my responsibility was to own my actions and it wasn't just I'm sorry. It was I could see how my behavior made you feel and what can I do to make it right, making restitution. That was step nine, and although that was like a terrifying prospect, because I'm pretty pissed at some of these people and the idea of going to them and owning my part was, frankly, it's a humbling experience, but on the other side of that was a freedom and a high that I have never experienced in any other way. I took full responsibility for myself and I felt free. And that was, and then, and that was, so I've continued to practice that's how I deal with, when I get into entanglements with people, that's how I handle it.

Michael Unbroken: Yeah, and I always hear that go, yep, that's called being an adult, right?

Arlina Allen: And it's like you put, you and I know plenty of people who are walking around pretending to be adult who do not take responsibility for their actions.

Michael Unbroken: Yes. Neil Strauss wrote a book called the truth, which is one of my favorite books of all time. It was a book that when I read it was for the first time realized that I had been emotionally amassed. And that I had been covertly in a covert incest relationship with my mother because of her behavior. And that book was like fucking eye opening. So I love Neil Strauss to death, but he wrote this thing where he was like, most adults are running around the world as hurt and unhealed children. And I was like, yep, spot on. And the reason why I said that's the way you communicate as an adult is because those tools will serve you, unbelievably well. Because you have to learn how to navigate the world through the eyes and the voice that you have, which is agency. Saying I'm sorry and owning up to your bullshit is agency. It just is. And it's a thing that gets scape I think that it gets skated over a lot in where we are in society right now, because everybody is really keen on being a victim and being like, I got gaslit. And it's sure, that happens. Let's admit it. I'll probably gaslit nine people today. So fucking what, that's a part of the journey. The most important part is the ownership of it. And yeah, I did that thing. I'm sorry. Here's my restitute. This is what I am going to try to do better. And then it's about the execution of it as well, right? Cause if it's shame, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice. And it's, and so much of it is as the individual. Have to be willing to take that step and it is messy and it is slow and you're gonna fuck up again And there's a such an important space in here where you've got to offer yourself some grace in this process as well One of the things that I know that you've done is also you wrote this worksheet for People who resist the idea of doing this work, which I understand because at a period of time that this worksheet would have been super helpful for me. You have this amazing podcast that I've had the honor and privilege of being guests on. You've written this book. Tell me a little bit and tell everyone who's listening, how they can connect with you more, learn more. And ultimately if they need help, have the courage to walk down this path of asking for help.

Arlina Allen: Yeah. Thank you for setting that up. One of my favorite things about the book I wrote was this idea of recovery resistance and that idea, the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. And I'm just saying, use that anger as a trailhead to what is underneath that because that's what needs to be healed. But what we typically experience on the front end is like this resistance. And we see resistance even in recovery, right? It's like I have, meditation is always on my calendar. I don't do it half the time, I have this resistance and really what that speaks to is that we have competing parts. We have a part that wants to do a thing and a part that doesn't want to do the thing. And this speaks to something that neuroscience calls the default mode network, which is very tied to identity, your comfort zone. We don't get too high. We don't get too low. We live in this comfort zone. And anytime we're confronted with these ideas of personal growth, it challenges. That default mode network and it creates resistance. So along the way, I discovered this process of dealing with polarized parts. That's what's really going on. And so through a simple journaling exercise it's just a PDF. They can download at intercompassprogram.com. They can get this worksheet. And work through, it's like self talk, like you're talking to the, both the parts, the part that wants to do the thing and the part that's like the distractor or the part that wants to not do the thing. And you negotiate with your parts, both parts, their intention is to protect you. Addiction is, really a protector part that's trying to protect you from pain. You can't process, right? And so this is really, talk about internal validation. Like we learned to release external validation. This is a way to really talk to yourself through the lens of compassion and really get these parts to calm down so that you can operate from your higher self in a recovery is about recovering your whole self. And really it's about an emergence process. And this worksheet is the work that allows you to do all your other work because you and I both know that entrepreneurs will take course after course and, but it's really taking the action that moves the needle. And so if people feel stuck, if they feel like they're self sabotaging, then this worksheet will help you to resolve that internal resistance so that you can end procrastination and take action on what matters most.

Michael Unbroken: Amazing. Yeah. And guys, if you go to thinkunbrokenpodcast.com. We will put that link in the show notes. My last question for you, my friend, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

Arlina Allen: I think it means about acknowledging that I'm just human. I have such a tendency for perfectionism, and so anytime I make a mistake, the temptation for me is to think that I'm broken, and that's just not the truth. The truth is that I had developed these survival skills out of necessity. I had to develop these skills. They did help me to survive. But in this program of healing and recovering our whole selves, it's this acknowledgement that no, I'm not broken. I was wounded and I can be healed.

Michael Unbroken: Beautifully said. I couldn't agree more. And I think that's so much of the process of Getting to that place and recognizing I'm a person that suffered bad things happen to me It's not my mess, but I'm going to clean it.

Arlina Allen: Absolutely.

Michael Unbroken: Arlina, thank you so much for being here. Unbroken Nation, guys, thank you so much for listening. Please like subscribe and comment go and share this with someone who is on their journey and you know that they will find value in this. Check out thinkunbroken.com for this episode and more.

And Until Next Time,

My Friends. Be Unbroken.

I'll See Ya.