How to Create Confidence as a Man | with James Silvas

Michael: What's up unbroken nation. Today I'm joined by my homie, James Silvas, who is a international mindset specialist, peak performance coach, and he teaches athletes and leaders high performance. He's also the founder and host of the be that 1% and has an unbelievable podcast that I've had the pleasure of being on James brother, welcome to unbroken men.

James: Yeah. Grateful to be here, man. Excited to jump in.

Michael: Yeah. It's an honor, man. Your journey, it's funny as we've known each other almost a year now, I was on your podcast a while ago, we connected through a mutual friend. First and foremost, you're one of those guys who, when I see the content that you share online with your family, your children, your mission, your message. And I cannot help to think to myself. Man, this guy's kind of figured out what it means to be a man of value. And so I'm curious, what does manhood mean to you just diving right in? What does it mean to be a man and to be James?

James: Yeah, man. And James, those are two, I don't want to say different things, but being a man to me means having a purpose. It means standing for something. It means speaking your truth. It means. Holding integrity. It means being an example, and I had a really great father who embodied a lot of those characteristics and a really strong mother that helped me cultivate a lot of the skills that I have that I leverage in my work, but mostly now as a parent, as a father and as a husband. So, if I had to summarize all that I think purpose is probably What drives me the most, the purpose is growth, always, as often as possible.

Michael: A lot of people talk about ​I think you can get lost in it and the shuffle of it all, especially if you're one of these guys listening and you're like, man, I'm an entrepreneur or a business owner or an executive and you're trying to build a life, or maybe even if you're not, and you're just trying to figure out where you fit into the world. I think people get lost in purpose. Can you define that for us? What does purpose mean and what does it mean in your life?

James: I think a couple of questions that I've asked myself that helped me identify this is what problem do I want to solve? What skills am I good at and what kind of feeling do I create in the environments that I show up in? So, the problem that I want to solve is people not living life on their terms. I don't want people to feel obligated to do something. I want people to choose what they want to do and then go do it. And so there's a level of growth there and honesty and reflection that one needs to do to be like, how do I want to live my life? Then there's a skill. My skill is listening of communication and I leverage that every single day. And then how I make people feel the feedback that I have received from family members, from friends, from clients, from teammates in the past is one of presence or I just feel really inspired. I feel really good, I feel like you take the time to really want to understand me. And so when I look at all those kind of definitions, I merged that into, okay, I want to help people grow and be better versions of themselves. And so everywhere, every space I enter, I want to make sure that I'm doing my part to at least present the idea of growth. If I had to boil down my mission in one word, it's grow.

Michael: Yeah. For me, I would say same when I look at my life now, it's funny I post I'll share this I posted this earlier today Because I think it's so fascinating when you think about life. I wrote, 20 to 30 was drugs, alcohol, and chaos. 30 to 40 was healing, learning, growing, and leading. Which, that's the window I'm in now. And then projecting 40 to 50 will be impact wealth and prosperity, 50 to 60 elevation goals and fully embarking on what's next. And when I think about the journey that's all about growth, because even, my background, obviously I come from the most chaotic environment a human can imagine. And for me, growth felt necessary. But what's so interesting is, our backgrounds are very different. I'm not saying that you didn't have moments cause I'm sure, certainly sure that you did cause your parents are human, but you find. Quite frequently that people who grew up without a lot of hardship or without a ton of Negativity in their life have struggle with resilience. And so I look at you and I go this guy's super resilient He's an entrepreneur. He's figured out how to navigate the difficulties of life Where did that come from? Like how did you build that willpower, and those skills, because for a guy like me, I was like, I needed the streets and chaos and a drug addict, mother and abusive dad, stepdad. And that had to happen. But for many people, it doesn't have to.

James: Yeah.

Michael: So where did that come from?

James: Yeah, I think I've struggled actually with that a lot in that I don't, I used to think that my story isn't valuable enough because it didn't come from some massive trauma. It came from love. And it came from a secure attachment. It came from parents who care about me, who want the best for me. And I've wrestled with that for a long time because I've had to water down my story or not even tell my story for fear that if someone were to hear that, they'd be like, Oh what have you been through? You know what I mean? And so that forced me to always put the light on someone else and just serve them and not focus on myself. since have worked on that. But to answer your question, I think it's more so about me feeling what I received from my parents with the love and the support and the encouragement and knowing how valuable that was, having friends who didn't have that, or having been close to people who didn't have that. I realized earlier on that I was fortunate enough to have that in my life, and I wanted to be that for other people. So there was a level of service with it, and I noticed that every time I gave that to people, the way they looked at me, the way they trusted me, the way they sent gratitude towards me, that felt different than any other thing that I achieved monetarily or physically or trophy or whatever It was the fact that you changed my life. Thank you. That right there that was like I can do that consistently I'll do that and it was just a I don't know what period of time my life was it but it happened in sports early You Like I'm going to say middle school into early high school. I just started realizing like I can grab people's attention and I can help them process hard things because I have the capacity to hold it through the love that I received. So, there was no like deficiency. In fact, there was an overflow. So, it was like, I can house it and I can hear it and I don't have, I don't need anything from you because I'm full. So now I can serve. As opposed to, I got to get me right. Sorry, I can't focus on that. You know what I mean? So, I think that's where it comes from.

Michael: Yeah, and that can be golden handcuffs, right? Because in one sense, it leads you down this path of beautiful service. And on the other hand, it means that you often, if not always, put yourself last. I can't help but think about the embodiment of Gary Vee in a lot of ways, he talks about how for him the most amazing thing was having parents that loved him and how you build the biggest building in town, not by destroying the other buildings, but by building the biggest building. Yeah. When. When I think about people who leverage that love, as I think about the pillars of unbroken men and this thing that I'm working on in this venture right now, it's courage, love, strength, honor. And I think that love like really freaks dudes out. Like I really do. And I think that even in brand positioning, not to go down a business conversation, but. Thinking about that forward facing into the marketplace when people men read love and manhood It terribly fucking scares the shit out of them. What is what does love mean to you because you've used that word a couple of times.

James: Yeah it's these are challenging definitions and I think that they've evolved the older I've gotten if you ask me that question before I had kids Be a different definition, but now caring for something that I helped co create with my wife has brought in another level of depth to that answer. But I think it's a mixture of things. I think it's caring enough about someone to be truthful. I think it's taking the time to really understand the person that you love to know all of the, as many components as you can find out about that individual. And in some way, appreciate who they are for what they are. It doesn't mean you settle for that, but there's a level of I see you, I understand you. And then I think there's a challenge component to love. And I think that's where the hard conversations come in. I think that's where the tough love comes in. And I think if you have those three things, truth, truthfulness the understanding, and then the commitment to share it. To say it, I think that creates a very beautiful soil for strong, deep relationships to grow.

Michael: Yeah, I think tough love is necessary. I frequently get from my clients messages where they're like, I do not like you. Thank you. Yes. And I think that's a big part of it and I always tell them I'm not here to be your friend. I'm just not like I highly doubt Bill Belichick as friends with most of his players over the years But damn it, you're gonna win a Super Bowl, yeah, what did you experience tough love and childhood?

James: I mean in the form of discipline, but I think how I define it now I experienced the truth and the understanding And I think there could have been more of the honesty, but I think I got enough of it to get the gist. I got, I'm not thinking back to any moments. I'd be like, man, I wish my dad would have told me that or I wish my mom would have been real honest with me. It was more so like they did a really good job of continuously pushing me and reinforcing the behaviors that they really thought would make the best version of me. And they did that regularly.

Michael: Like what kind of behaviors? What does that mean?

James: Working hard towards something as an example. So I played football, I played sports and after the practice for the sport, whether it's baseball or football, I would go out and train additionally before or after. And when my dad who would tell me about his stories and tell me about these inspiring stories. And I'd mirror the behaviors through that story. Then he would see that I would go do that. And he'd be like, that's what you do. That's you're a Silvis. That's how it's done. That's just a non negotiable. I'm proud of you for that. So he would honor it. Then I would be, in a very tight game winning situation. If we're just continuing the sports analogies and I throw a good pass, it'd be like way to handle pressure, so he's constantly giving me feedback on things that are not just helping me in a sports sense, but just instilling resilience and Discipline Longevity and eat how when I eat right when I get good grades. He was always he didn't let that slip he didn't he wanted me to know that he noticed it You know and then my mom she created enough safe space for me to be like To have conversations about what I was unsure of Hey mom, how do I handle this situation? I want to be like this kid because this kid's the popular kid and he's doing a lot and I don't have those types of skills and she would always be like hey But you know what no matter how much you try to be that person you're always going to be second best Because that person is him He is himself and you're you trying to be someone else is You're not going to win that game sage advice, right? Yeah, my mom would always be dropping those gems For me, and so she would be in a very Tactful Elegant way Give me the truth, I guess but it was never like I never had to receive it that way.

Michael: Yeah Sounds like a lot of positive reinforcement. Yes. One of the things that I reflect on obviously in my background is so much negative reinforcement that shifting the pendulum into the positive was a very difficult thing to do. Even speaking on giant stages, getting investments from billionaires into the company, being a best selling author, having a number one podcast, man, there's times where even all of the work in that negative thing pops up sometimes. And I have to be like, no, dude, you deserve this. You work your face off, right? You go for it. Whether that's my health, wealth, relationships, friendships, money, whatever it, there is that. And you see that. What I think is really interesting. There's like this dichotomy, right? Because on this one hand you have the negative reinforcement and that can drive success or destroy you. And on the other hand you have positive reinforcement and that can drive success or destroy you. And it's like, how do you find the balance, right? How do you, apparently there were some, I wrote a question here. I wanted to ask you, it was like, How did you see their relationship? Cause here's what I'm always thinking about. Mimic model master. I'm always trying to learn from people who know something that I don't know. So that a, I avoid the pitfalls of it and B so that I can replicate it, especially if it's something that I connect with, that way I can add it to my life.

James: Yes.

Michael: What were things that you saw in their relationship that were both positive and negative things? You moved away from and things that you move towards.

James: For both parents.

Michael: Yeah. For their relationship, like what do you witness as them as a couple?

James: I witnessed love, like they were constantly affectionate and we were always taking family trips and he was like, no matter, everyone's got to stop listening now, I know. But they were just like, family is the most important thing. If we don't have that, what do we have? So it was always having tape conversations at the table. It was this family is. Powerful because of its connection with itself, and so I saw that I saw ambition, my dad running successful businesses, multiple businesses at a time would take me to the shops that he owned and tell me about real estate. So there was a level of ambition professionally that he embodied. My mom, super consistent in the job that she had. She was at the top that she could be in, in her profession. So they were both stable and working towards. something professionally their social circles, everyone seemed to be in a good mood or at least on the happier side. Granted, there were some moments where, people did things and we had to talk about it, but it wasn't like extreme. And, but, and they always listened. My dad always talked. So that's probably why I'm a good listener. But my mom always listened and she always said the right things because she can read the moment a little bit better than my dad who was just super passionate and just like, all right, here's what we got to do this, so those are the things that really stand out. One thing that my dad did say though, he goes, you are who you surround yourself with. And he said that ad nauseum. Like, when I go spend the night at someone's house, remember, you are who you surround yourself with. When I'm on the team, you are who you surround yourself with.

Michael: Are they adopting kids right now by chance?

James: They did a really good job. All of my brothers are doing really well, and kudos to them. If they had any hardships, they did a really good job of masking it and having the appropriate spaces to deal with those things.

Michael: He's not wrong, right? You are so much about the people you surround yourself with. And I try to say this with admiration and love. The people I was surrounding myself with when I was at rock bottom, We're a reflection of my rock bottom. There's no question. And the people I surround myself now, people like you, many of our mutual friends, like we are people, men, especially who are trying to do something. Who wants something more, who want to be great leaders, entrepreneurs, fathers, husbands, whatever that thing is. And it's so difficult because we are presented with so many other humans in the world where we want to connect with them. Maybe there's something in them that we see or opportunity or potential, but dude, sometimes you got to cut them out. You have to, and that's such great advice for such a young age to go to a sleep over and be like, Hey, be mindful of this. I would imagine that served you very well.

James: Yeah. It really forced me to be aware of what was happening in my friend circles. And we would constantly talk about okay so who are you hanging out with? What are their goals? So it was always…

Michael: You're talking about goals as a kid.

James: Yeah. It's like middle school and high school where I was doing 200 pushups before I went over to my friend's house. Yeah. That was the level. And I liked it. It wasn't like, it wasn't punishment. There were moments where I was like, dad, really? You got to do that right now. He's yeah. You want to be strong. You want to be great at football. So it's it was constantly, yeah. Progress. Yeah. Progress. Are we getting better? If we're not getting better, what are we doing?

Michael: Where do you think he got that from?

James: He grew up in a competitive environment, in his family. He had nine brothers and two sisters.

Michael: Are you guys Catholic?

James: Yeah, we are. I'm not, officially, but anymore, but yeah. Threw up Catholic, for sure.

Michael: Makes sense. It's all adding up now, James. Yeah, I think you have to be competitive in those environments, but to be able to instill that knowledge in your kids, like that's absolutely unbelievable. Yeah. What does that, what do you think that's really done for you? Like when you look at your life, is it fully a byproduct of that? Because, and the reason I want to talk to you, and I know that some people, they're just not going to relate, this as well as I do, and that's okay, but that's why I want to have the conversation. I don't really, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, James. Like when I'm sitting here, I'm taking it in because one day when I'm a husband and a father, I'm going to bring some of this advice from your dad into my life. You know what I mean? And that's that mimic model master. When you look at your life now, is it all a by product of that, have there been these moments of hardship that have made you have to leverage internal strength? Like, how do you become you?

James: I think knowing that my parents were always there helped me take risk and not fearing, not making it because I had the support from them. So like I moved out when I was 18, I didn't have to, but I wanted to, because I knew that was the next evolution in my growth. And then, getting into the fitness industry and then physical therapy, graduating from college and realizing physical therapy is not what I want to do, getting into the industry and working at Republic. And then ultimately figuring out like, I want to do what I'm doing now, coaching and speaking. I want to do it all over the world. I want to do with, do it with leaders that I don't know, but I want to help them be better. That was a really hard time because no one understood my vision and I had to, To double down on me. And I knew my parents would believe in me, but they didn't, they want what's best for me. And their understanding of my entrepreneurial journey and the profession that I wanted to get into was very far from what they knew. They weren't like not about it, but they also weren't super for it. And that was the first time that I had felt that. Then when I got married at my wife, they also didn't support how we wanted to get married. And that was also one of the first conversations where I was like, look, trust that you've raised a good kid and that I know what I'm doing. And I had to create that barrier. So it was a mixture of wedding and then me doubling down on myself and going and building this business by knocking on doors in Vegas. Thousands of doors getting the cops called on me up until I found that first client and I over delivered and that was the Beginning of my career now. So in those like I Don't want to say dark moments, but heavy moments Yeah, I had to do a lot of internal hypnosis with constantly this is why you're doing it. This is why you're doing it. You've been successful in the past before you've succeeded at this. And I had to recollect all these moments that I've done something that I was proud of to fuel me through the discomfort and the unknown. And I, that was the beginning of my career. And there's since been moments where I've doubted.

Michael : And the pushback, right? Because that's the thing people don't understand when a lot of times People come from good homes is you really do tend to follow in the footsteps. And to go, I'm going to go this direction. And even I'm sure your dad's saying I'm, I don't know if I would do that if I were you, your parents, I wrote a note here. Your parents want what is best for you, but they want what's best for you. That doesn't mean that's what's best for you. And that's such a hard thing to navigate because you, and your friends too. Your wife probably also, they want what's best for you, but what's best for you is not always the thing that brought you to where you are, especially if you're ambitious. If you're an ambitious man, I think about this a lot. I would sacrifice anything in the world to have what I want in my life, except my ambition. You can take everything else from me. I could rebuild everything, especially with the knowledge that I have today. But I couldn't do it without the ambition to do it again. To be willing to just be like, I'm going to go for it, dude. I have so many naysayers. I get so much hate on the internet. I get so many crazy ass emails. I don't know if you've seen some of the stuff I've been sharing recently, but it's man, I look at it and I'm like, So I know where I'm going. How do you solidify that? Because if you're coming from this home where you're being reared into the world in a lot of ways, because you do have such great parents, then you see this all the time. One of the clients I coach right now, he's a doctor. He does not want to be a doctor. We're working through that transition of building his courage to remove himself from that industry and tell his dad, no, effectively for the first time. Yeah. Which, because you deal with this in people in the world that you're in as well. And that's a whole thing. We're not going to get into that right now. But, how did what is in your head in those moments where you're like, I get it, I know you guys want this, but I'm going this direction anyway.

James: Since a young age, I've always loved watching documentaries of people who have done just impossible or incredible things. I could literally sit in the house and watch documentary after documentary.

Michael: Same.

James: Yeah, and I remember being in middle school and watching documentaries on Walter Payton and Barry Sanders and Joe Montana and being like, Damn. The discipline, the work ethic, the grit the desire to wanna do something. I remember saying that's what I want to do with something. I don't know why I just feel like alive when I think like that. And so I just have naturally broaden that energy to the spaces that I occupy, because I'm always thinking, how far can I go? I don't know, but I always know I can go further. Don't know where I'm trying to get to per se. I just want to go better. And as long as that growth is centered in my values and I feel like I'm being in integrity with myself and that I'm in charge of the building because ultimately I'm not going to depend on anyone else to be there for me. Like I gotta, I'm going to do it. Then I go for it. And I love the expansion. I just, it, I don't know how to talk about anything else. So when we talk about growth, like I'm all for it, and that started really early, I don't know where it came from, but.

Michael: Same. It's interesting. Same. Even though it doesn't reflect it. I got everything I ever wanted in my whole life. Like people don't understand this. But when I made a million bucks by the time I was 25, that's what I wanted. Yeah. Now, did I want to be morbidly obese? No. I want to smoke back today. No. But I didn't have clarity, and part of that lack of clarity, I just didn't have values. I didn't know where I was going. I just had this singular focus of this idea of what I thought I could do. And what's interesting is even I think when you're like 20, you're still dumb enough to believe that you can do it, and you get older and you're 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, and it starts to slow down. And there's something really interesting when you see people who have built both determination and discipline in their life. Like I think about men, I get compared to a lot, right? There's a handful of them. I get compared to Goggins all the time. I think you even compared me to Goggins on your show. I get compared to guys like Eric Thomas. I get compared to guys like Tony Robbins, constantly. And I appreciate that. I'm none of those men. I think they're all phenomenal human beings. But I started asking myself why does this keep happening where like my name gets dropped in these buckets? And this isn't me just trying to like flash shine on myself. I was trying to create an understanding. And what I realized is it's discipline and determination that people see in those people that they see in me. I don't know how else you get to success. Same as Bo Jackson, same as Joe Montana, same as, some of the greatest football players of all time. Could you imagine what it was like to work with Peyton Manning?

James: That'd be great.

Michael:  Tom Brady. These guys are maniacal. They're insane. I went to we're in Vegas. I went to go see the Magician Shin Lim. Have you seen this guy?

James: No, I've seen a sign, for him though.

Michael: Dude, so I go to see Shin Lim he's a sleight of hand card trick magician one America's Got Talent like I think two times maybe and I'm watching him and I'm just I'm Watching what he's doing because you're watching everyone's watching but I'm like watching Because I'm like, I'm gonna find the fucking trouble. I'm gonna find it The thing that you're doing Shin Lim And I realized that dude, this hit me. This was September right before I went on that little bit of a hiatus and it hit me, James, I was like. Oh, I will never see what he's doing because he's done it a hundred thousand times. It's as perfect can be. He's so disciplined. He's willing to take the extra time, put in the extra hours, forego the instant gratification and suffer. What has discipline done for your life?

James: Yeah. I think in order to have discipline, you have to know where you're going, right? So there's a clarity of the, some sort of direction. Discipline for me has made me stronger. It's made me more skilled. It's allowed me to look at the compound effect of discipline. If you ask to find that, yeah. So if I'm disciplined for 30 days, not only does that become a habit, more so of an habit, 64 days really to still that habit. But I know that if that daily deposit continues the same way money compounds is the same way effort compounds in the way that I think about it. So, if I go 64 days of doing something, and now it's more subconscious or it's more ingrained in my body, now I can, the time that I spend doing that can be compressed and heightened because not only is the skill getting better it's not even, it's not even discipline at that moment. It's now consistency, so disciplines like that initial kind of Oh, I don't really want to do this, but I'm doing it. And then it gets to a point where you just enjoy the, either the pain or the time or the effort that goes into it, and then you just start to love that, and then that turns into consistency, and then that compounded over a year, two years, five years, 10 years, you're in a whole league of your own, ideally living a one of one lifestyle where you can only do the thing that you're doing.

Michael: What does it look like in your life?

James: Discipline or that process?

Michael: Yeah. Both really. Yeah.

James: Me not being a hypocrite Which is always important right like deal I think when I talk I don't want to know that what I'm saying isn't backed up by my action, like I always think about if I'm gonna say something I want, if someone were to check me on it, that I can go back and show them the work.

Michael: That's why I'm taking all these notes.

James: Yeah, good. Cause then I don't feel comfortable saying it, but then when I tell my kids something, I don't want there to be any energetic leaks. So when I look and I say something, there's a piercingness to the word because it's not coming from doubt. It's not coming from me trying to pretend or to front. It's coming from truth and that truth can be felt. I believe people can read that. So if that's there, then I don't have to worry about what may happen. It just is what's happening. So it makes me a better communicator because it frees up bandwidth of not having to like, remember who said what, or how did I say that? It's just a more present flow. I think it makes me a better lover, a better partner. Because I have a higher value on myself because I know I'm consistent with what I say. And it gets me to show up every day, do the work.

Michael: There's a quote that I wrote that I love that I did not want to paraphrase. So I just pulled it up because it's a really powerful quote. A lie, this is Mark Twain, by the way. A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. And what that really, in my interpretation of that, is that the truth is buried in reality and it takes time to cultivate it. It's the same as think gossip, right? Dude, if you gossip, bye. You're out of my life. There's no space for you. Gossip travels like wildfire. Why? Because people love drama, right? Truth is this thing that when you, it's a seed. I interviewed Tim Storey years ago. I loved him. Oprah's coach, if you don't know who he is. Tim told me something fascinating, and this was two years ago, some two years from what he predicted. He said, in four years, Michael, everyone in the entire country is going to know who you are. And he said, why? Because you planted the seeds, you watered the seeds, told the soil, and then you will reap your reward. But James, you can only do that through honesty. You can only do that. You talked about that. An energetic chasm and truth is going to kill you. How do I know? Cause I was a masterful liar. Like I learned it. It's us. It's a skill. It is a, it truly is. I watched my mother never pay for food at a restaurant. We went out to eat all the time. We never paid. We're poor. We didn't have any money. You better believe she found a way complain, drop a drink on herself. Like the craziest shit, James shit that your parents would be like, what is wrong with these people? But it was like our normal. And so the truth will set you free. Like it just will. And you used a couple of words earlier about integrity. And it's so much of that. And I think that unfortunately we see a lot of men not living in integrity right now. And it's a weird thing to say, but it's almost like, how do you get back to true values? Like, how do you get back to being an integrous as a man, honest, living in love, showing up, being a man of value, taking care of your family.

James: Yeah.

Michael: What do you think about that? Do you see this in your world? Do you see this looking out into the world? What are your thoughts?

James: That's a, yeah, loaded in all kinds of ways. But I think the first thing is men. Stereotypically don't have the spaces where hard things can be discussed or there's so much of a competing kind of thought process that forces people to project I got everything dialed in. I got, I don't need help that alienates or isolates. And I think we need better communities for men specifically to talk about challenges to also challenge each other. But, I think it starts with the ability to communicate and to say the truth. But if by saying the truth, you're written up at work, by saying the truth, you're canceled, by saying the truth love that you once had is stripped away. The incentive to speak the truth is no longer a strong desire because of our human needs to want to belong to whatever society or culture or thing that we're trying to belong to. So they're So there needs to be an awareness that is happening, but also an equal value proposition for the courage that it takes to be honest. And if those courageous people get. Acknowledged for that courage. Then I only, I think then those people become louder and the louder that truth is, the more it'll awaken more people. And I think you can get into more and more groups where conversations like this can emerge.

Michael: But going back, a lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting its shoes on. And that's just the reality of it. When you speak this truth, it's who are the leaders of men right now? If you really break it down, you got Andrew Tate, right? We're both smirk because it's okay, you got Kevin Samuels, you got Grant Cardone, you got, and I'm not saying I entirely agree or disagree with any of them. I think there's some power in everything that these guys say.

James: Something good to say.

Michael: I agree. Even though I don't. Part of the reason I started this show is because I thought to myself, if I had a son and he heard Andrew Tate, would I be okay with the advice he gave my son? The answer is no, period. It's not that there isn't some intrinsic value in some of it, but I don't think millions of dollars women and fucking drinking whiskey and smoking cigars every day is manhood. It may be for some people, but those aren't the people I want to be around. You talk about the container to have hard conversation, like that's what I want to cultivate. Let's get to the root of why you're being a bitch, and that's a hard thing for dudes to hear. You know what I needed James, really desperately bad. I needed a guy like you in my life when I was 25 to come up to me. Smack me in the fucking face, but get your shit together. Because instead of squandering a million dollars, ruining a relationship, ruining family, terrible health, you need that guy in your life. Just like your dad told you, like you need that. I needed someone to fucking karate kick me and just be like, dude, what are you doing? Yeah. Who does that for you?

James: Before I answer that question, I think, as you were talking about, I've thought about this before, how important physicality is in one delivering truth and receiving truth. And how healthy your body is. I think the more in shape you are, not necessarily six pack abs, but the more physically fit you are, I think the more comfortable you are to one, defend yourself, which I think every man should learn how to do, but two, you have more courage to speak truth and you take truth in more because it's less doesn't, it's not as heavy as if you're out of shape. And I know that sounds really weird, but it's be healthy. Yeah, no, it's true. I was his vitality.

Michael: It does. Let's go into this for a second. We'll circle back to the other question, but let's go into this for a second. I wrote a post. About a month ago the 25 things that I would teach men. Did you see this?

James: No.

Michael: Okay. So it's 25 things and now it's actually turned in about 111 and writing a daily blog because I was like, what are the things that I wish a man would have taught me growing up? Yes. Do you know what? I wrote as number one, don't be fat. That's literally number one, dude. And it's crazy, dude. Somebody emailed me and they're like, you're fat shaming. I go, yeah, I am. Cause I was fat and I was ashamed. Those things go hand in hand, that is a mutually exclusive experience. I don't know how you can lead other people, your family, your career. If you can't lead yourself to have a healthy lifestyle, right? And look, it's fucking hard, James. Not everybody grew up doing pushups in middle school. You know what I'm saying? It's like you had a good framework to start with, obviously you acknowledge that I did it. And at some point this thing loops in and you go, okay, wait a second. I'm sick. I'm tired all the time. I'm unwell, my sex life is garbage. Can't even get it up cause I'm so fat. If I can even see it. And so it's and this is hard truth, people don't want to hear it. And so I get these emails cause number one was don't be fat. And I wrote it exactly like that. Yep. Because at some point, whether you like it or not, it is a choice. There's very few people in the world that it's actually genetic, that you would be obese. It's like 001%. It's like unbelievably small. And it's not only calories in calories out, but you know what I realized. It's the mindset of the way that you treat your physical body is entirely tied into the level of love that one has for themselves, which circles back to a moment ago where I'm sitting here trying to express like dudes are terrified of love. You don't love yourself. Look at your fucking body. Mindset coach, high performance coach, James, let's bring this to the table. I'm sitting across from you. Let's just play this too. Okay. I'm 25 years old. I call you James. I'll pay the pay, whatever it costs. I don't care. Whatever money's on the table. Cause you got to have skin in the game. Sure. This as well as I do, I know by doing shit for free. That's why you're fat. Cause you don't invest in yourself. I'm here 350 pounds. I'm smoking two packs a day. I'm drinking all the time. I can't stand myself. You're the high performance guy, man. I used to force four star athlete in high school, captain of the wrestling team, co captain of football team. I got a little money. Everything's a fucking disaster, James. What do I do?

James: Yeah. First, we got to commit to a purpose bigger than yourself, I think is the first like, where are we? Why is it even important to get in shape? If it's just to look good, that won't last. If it's for somebody else, that won't last. It needs to be something that is internal and causes some emotional shift. And that has to be there. And so I would figure that out. And then I would cut out this the simple things the nutritional aspects the caffeine, the alcohol the unnecessary sugar, this excess sodium and start there and then just get out and walk a mile and we start small and we build from there. Like those are the three kind of just initial off the top of my head, things that I would focus on after, Probably find more after spending an hour with that person, but those are pretty general guidelines that I would be thinking about top of mind .

Michael: Yeah, I like to start with something bigger than you. The emotional has to be bigger than you. You know what it was? It was me, but it was bigger than me. And here's what I mean by this, because as I was looking at my life and hit this rock bottom, I'm watching the CrossFit games while I'm in bed eating chocolate cake. I was like, Dude, you used to be an athlete. What the fuck are you doing? Like you? And then it hit me. I was like, Oh my God, you're going to die sick. That's my biggest fear in the world. Just die sick, 38 prescriptions, these people, man, it's awful way to go. And then it was like what do you do if you have kids? Who's going to walk your daughter down the aisle? Cause you're fat. And you can't do it right, but it's not just that's not the only discipline you exchange that for smoking, for drinking, for drugs, for driving fast, anything in the world that we're addicted to, you make this simple exchange, you create that emotional shift and something becomes different. But then the thing that always happens is people wax poetic about this and they're like, yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to create this life. It's going to be great. And I had James. And then what how do you get people to stay in the emotional shift? Cause you work with high performers, right? You work with people where it matters how they show up. And as well as I do, we can get somebody motivated like that. How do you get them into discipline though?

James: Someone like that high performers. It's a lot easier because they're already on that path and they're looking for the smaller shifts that are like can change the game. So someone who get. Needs to get into discipline.

Michael: Like they're sitting and they're in this place where maybe they were a high performer, maybe life was good for a while and they fell off and they just, they need it.

James: I think, I'm speaking for myself, and all of the thousands of people that I work with over the years with that emotional shift has to come a decision. And I know, the definition of a decision, but like a decision is there, there's no other option that's the thing. And so when I decided that I was going to pursue. What I'm doing now. Were there moments where I thought, did I make the right choice? Yes, but the decision was made, the contract was signed. The oath was created that those things mean something. And if people were to look back at any part of their life and find moments where there was a shift in something, there was a decision that was made consciously or unconsciously. And I think. We need to be more mindful of the decisions that we make, not the preferences, not the all try and sees, but the decisions things don't work out, not because they couldn't work out, but because you stopped before they did work out and that process starts with a decision. Once the decision's made, then the steps to go on that path happen. And then you get the people around you that continue to help you along that process, but there has to be a decision. And I found that when that decision's made, it's going to be hard, but you just don't go back on your decisions. And that goes back to the integrity. So you have to value, you have to value that.

Michael: Yeah. And that, you know what that really is? It's going and looking in the mirror and being like, Am I going to do what the fuck I said I was going to do ​in my bathroom mirror, in my bedroom, on my mirror, I wrote in big ass capital letters. What are you willing to do? Do you know why? Because that is the same question I asked myself on my rock bottom day. And I apply it to everything. James, you know what's better than interviewing you? And this genuinely, even though I love you, it's playing video games, getting stoned, and eating gummy bears. But I made a decision. That's not my life. It always calls to me, and I will never hide from it. Because I'm like, there's no reason to like, try to skirt around the truth.

James: Yeah, but that's not for you because you know where you're going.

Michael: Because I sat down and I just had this emotional shift I made it about something different right.

James: And you decided to be different.

Michael: Yes. And that's the thing It's like there are people listening right now men especially under the pressures and scrutiny of the world in a space where being a man's difficult right now. We're under a lot of stress, under a lot of pressure. The suicide rate, do you know this? That suicide is the number one cause of death for men 24 to 44. You think the number, the fucking number one cause, but we don't talk about that. It's not brought to the forefront. And so I think it's also, it's not just navigating because some people will say I know what I've decided to change my life. I'm going to go make a million dollars, but they don't even know how to make 10. And a year goes by and they haven't, and they actually lost money. Cause as well as I do, you're going to lose money before you make money most times in business. And then they jump off a fucking bridge and it's that can't be the thing. Cause what are you trying to solve? External validation for internal happiness.

James: So that would be making a decision that I would argue maybe even isn't fully yours because you're making it based on someone else's suggestion. On what you should do, right? Oh, you know what? You don't make me happy. Like you should million bucks, dude. You should go do that. You're like, Oh yeah, I should do that. I would argue that's not. That's not the truest form of a decision. Your moment in the math room mirror where you looked yourself in the eye, that was a decision from you to you. And that was the most raw, real, transparent, honest decision that you've probably ever have made, and that didn't come from anyone else. You didn't need someone saying, Hey, you should change. You may, maybe you had that. Maybe you didn't. But in that moment, that didn't matter. That was from you to you. This is what I want. This is what I need. And this is what I'm going to do. And that Was a UDU conversation. And I think if you can't look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of the work that you're doing, then something needs to change.

Michael: And that's the same thing that you did. That's exactly what I did. You had to, because one day you're gonna look in the mirror and you're gonna be 70 . And it's not that you can't change at 70, 'cause if you're still breathing, you still have an opportunity. But man, it's gonna be a lot harder, it's gonna be a lot harder than 52.

James: Yes. And the clearer you get on you, like in those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror, the clearer that is. It's weird that the less you think about you, cause you're already full. What's there to think about if you already know who you are? You don't go around trying to make sure people know who you are. You just are who you are. So then it's, you don't, you're out of the equation. Now it's just about service. And I think if you just get more in the green with service, that compounds over time, more vitality comes. You naturally get better, more fit or just want to be more active. Like life force starts to flow through you. ​so that clarity definitely needs to be established. I think values is definitely one way to do that.

Michael: Yeah. And where energy goes or where attention goes at energy follows, and that in everything, if I've sat down and done 750 podcasts. You've done a ton of them, yourself. And it's that is what happens when you decide. It's a beautiful day outside, bro. There's a lot of things you and I could be doing right now, but we decided, and it's a mutually beneficial, both experience, but also commitment. And so I'm going to go back to the question I said, I was going to ask.

James: Can I add one more thing, please? The ownership piece.

Michael: Yes.

James: With the decision comes the ownership. Yeah. And if that's owning your thoughts, your emotions and your actions, knowing that you can. Own those and you can control that is a massive game changer.

Michael: Yeah. Okay, let's come back to this. In the moments because we all are guilty of this Where you slide off and things aren't going and the business isn't where it's supposed to be and the relationship's a little messed up and the kids are going crazy and the dog's on fire and like everything, everything's happening probably every day. It's what do you do? Because it's at some point you have to leverage other people, right? I believe in self accountability. Like I'm probably one of the most self accountable people I know, because I just, what else am I going to do? But I have a coach because sometimes I need a kick in the ass, but also sometimes I just need the emotional support board to be like, dude, I'm stuck today. Hard. What's up. Same reason I coach people because they have that too. How do you find accountability beyond self as a man?

James: First of all, my wife is an amazing support system. Like she can call me out on the smallest of things. Cause she knows me the best. We've been together for 13 years, so she loves me enough to be real and honest with me on the daily. So she's definitely one. I have really great friends both in the mentor form and then also in the co creator slash colleague slash homie, me. I can think of, shout out to you, Mark, to Brandon, to Johnny, to Seth, to, to Natasha. Like these people are constantly checking in. I'm checking in with them and we're keeping each other up to date on the goals. And when we're going too far, when we haven't heard from each other for too long, one of us will chime back in, Hey, how is this going? Sometimes even they'll be like, Hey, your new goal is this. And it's something that I didn't have on there that I'm like, that's actually a really good goal and shit. They call me out on that, so I have that. I have my trainer. That I have physically I have my coach that I do some energy and spiritual work with and you know for depending on the project I'll hire a coach to help me get where I want to professionally a lot faster. So, I'm very blessed to have cultivated slash attracted slash reinforced the relationships that I mentioned and without them, the success that I've had would be very lonely and probably not as sustainable as it is now. So yeah.

Michael: Yeah. And they're going to have your back and they're also going to look at you and they're going to be like, Hey, you don't follow through. No, that's why I love having somebody to guide me. I'm very coachable. And that came honestly, from a place where I was the complete opposite, James, me, at 24, 25. You can't tell me nothing, bro. Nothing. You could be like, you could be like, Hey man, if you drive down that street, there's a giant hole in the ground and you're going to fall to your death, I probably wouldn't go down that street if I were you and I'd be like, okay, and I would drive down that street and fall in the fucking hole, right? So there is a level to it where you, if, as you step down this path, you have to have an open mind and recognize that what got you here has got you here. And that is the capacity of your knowledge. And to get to where you want to go, you need to accept that other people are smarter than you.

James: ‘Cause they're further along and there's some genius. That's one of the things that my mom told me. She's no matter who you are, you can always learn something from someone. That might be what to do, that might not be, that might be what not to do, but there's something to learn. And that's, I think, at the root of all my listening, like even just listening to you. I'm going to take away stuff that you've said today and apply it to some area of my life, but that's because I'm being present and I know that in any situation there's always value to pull from it. If you're willing to listen and be open minded

Michael: Yeah. And have gratitude, and have gratitude, right? And I don't think people, it's a buzzword. It's on around a lot. People like gratitude, but it's like truly find spaces to acknowledge. And so I'm going to do something that might throw you a little bit off here, but that's why I'm doing it. Who needs. Who needs a shout out in your life right now? Somebody that has served you, somebody that's helped you along the way. It could be something small 25 years ago. It could be something big that happened yesterday, but who is somebody that, just they've brought so much power and joy or accountability and love and success to your life, but you just haven't given them enough shine. We all have that person. And so who is somebody you can send some love to?

James: That it's been a while since…

Michael: Or maybe just who comes to mind?

James: My third grade teacher, Miss Kobiega, I think is her name. She was really patient with me. And I just remember a moment where I came up to her desk and she just looked at me and the way that she explained an answer that I couldn't get, I think it was a math equation, she just was so kind and so patient and saw me in that moment, eye contact wise. And I had never felt that from a teacher before. And I was like, okay, thank you. And I walked back to my desk and I was like, wow, that was really. Different interaction from an authority figure. Like she didn't she, there was no hierarchy in that moment. It was like a down to my level kind of moment human. Yeah. So I, that just popped into my head. Shout, shout out. Shout out, teach.

Michael: There you go. I love that brother. Before I ask you the last question. Where can everyone find you?

James: Yeah. Instagram is probably the best James_Silvas that has all the links, podcast links there and just, yeah, here to support here to add value. If you guys want to connect.

Michael: Yeah. Amazing guys go to thinkunbrokenpodcast.com where we will have this and more in the show notes. My last question for you, brother, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

James: To be unbroken means to know that you're so protected. By something that you can't explain that could be God, the universe, love, whatever, that, that thing is bigger than any challenge that you face. And I think that leads to an unshakable lifestyle and being unbroken. There's nothing to fix because you're the core of you is comes from something that can't be broken.

Michael: Brilliantly said my friend. Thank you so much for being here. Unbroken Nation, thank you for listening. Guys, please subscribe, comment, share, tell a friend.

Remember, every time you share this with other men in your life, you're helping us change everything for men, which is the most important thing that we can do you're serving a purpose greater than yourself.

And Until Next Time,

Be Unbroken.

I'll See Ya.