How to Talk About Your Childhood Trauma with Other People

The other day I was coaching one of my clients and they asked me a really important question. They asked me, how do I go about talking to the people who are closest to me in my life about having traumatic childhood experiences? That's what we're going to get into today's episode. So one of the things I will tell you before we jump in is that if you need support, you need guidance.

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So how do you answer this question? As a coach and someone experienced who have done this now thousands of times over the years, there's a systematic and formulaic way that you approach talking to the people in your life about your traumatic experiences. And so I'm break this down in a way that I think will serve you very well. This is one you're really going to want to pay attention to.

I think first and foremost is understanding the outcome that you want to have from the conversation. It is not good enough in my opinion to just sit down with someone and dump all your shit on them. It's not going to work. And in fact, most of the time you're going to freak people out or scare them away.

Now there's nuances in that depending on the length of the relationship. The type of relationship, is it friendly or familial or intimate? There are considerations to be had because there are variables that play a role in this, but generally speaking, you need to have on the front side and understanding of what it is that you want to accomplish in the conversation. Is it connection? Is it building trust? Is it building intimacy? Is it voicing something to create a space of understanding because something may have taken place in the lead up to the conversation? I won't say this as a caveat to everything here. Your friends and your family are not your therapist and they are not your coach. Do not go to them with the seeking advice. What you're doing is you're creating a human, emotional, vulnerable connection, and you need to understand that if you are going to your friends and family, asking for advice about the shit in your life that you need to deal with, you're setting yourself up for massive failure.

Most of them don't know how to address the things you're going to bring to the table. And more so most of them, when you do so are going to have your best interest in mind, and they may not tell you the truth, not in the way that I do as a coach, because I'm just going to keep it real with you. So first understand the intention.

Number two is you need to create a space in which the conversation could be had. And so this is about choosing a time and place to have it. The most ideal place to have this conversation is when you are connected in a space that is private and relaxed. The worst time to have conversations about childhood trauma with the people in your life are when emotions are heightened, where there are problems happening and when chaos can ensue. What I would always suggest to people is create something, a space on a calendar. And I know as crazy as it sounds, this really works and talk to that person and say, Hey, I want to connect with you, I need to have a pretty difficult conversation with you about my experience when works for you. This is something that I've done many times over the years because one it helps it really helps remove the stress of the moment, right? Because most people just jump right into it and now they're all stressed out. They're freaking out and they're like, ah, we got to deal with something crazy. But what it does is it diffuses any potential stress. I've come to find that to be very true. People like to be forewarned and that means that people really appreciate knowing what they're about to get themselves into.

This might be a reason why movie trailers exist, right? Because you want to have a general idea of what you're about to get yourself into before you go and pay 25 and then buy a popcorn and then sit in the seat for three hours or whatever. What you're doing is you're diffusing any potential chaos by just having an upfront conversation and saying, Hey, I want to talk to you about something difficult when works for you.

Number three, once you are in the conversation, you have to be honest and direct. It's so unbelievably important to be honest and direct with your experiences because when you use clear and specific language to commute, to communicate what is happening in your life and what has a people will understand now again without the right intentions. This turns into a crazy situation where you're spewing shit on people. That is not the goal, that is not going to work. You don't have to share everything all the time. And by being honest and direct what you do is you share the most important things so that you can understand what it is inside of you that you need to deliver and communicate so that the person on the other side of you can receive it. If you start telling people your entire life story, they're going to check out, right? If there are two or three pillars that people really need to understand, then that's what you address.

Now, number four is you got to share your feelings in this. This is very, very difficult because most people who have had traumatic experiences feel as though their feelings are not valid, that they are not important, that they do not matter, and thus that their feelings do not matter to other people. That's not true. But the willingness to be vulnerable enough to sit across from someone and have the conversation will open up the opportunity for you to create depth. Now, sharing your feelings and your emotions are different than being emotional. He who controls his emotions will win, right? Or she, for that matter, right? It's control your emotions and you will win your life. Most people, again, I want to reiterate this because I think it's so important. They will get triggered or something will happen in the house or in a relationship or in a friendship or at work, and then suddenly They go off and it turns into this really chaotic experience that honestly, if you would have just been able to get your brain and your body reconnected, move through and get back into your parasympathetic nervous system, you would have been able to navigate that situation.

Most people are reactive instead of being proactive. And by being proactive and sharing your feelings from a calm and sustained place, you will have a productive conversation with the person on the other side. A great example of this. So I was seeing someone a couple years ago and her and I had a really in depth conversation about both of the experiences that we had in childhood. And the reason why we ended up having that conversation is because we both had realized we weren't really connecting at one point in the relationship. Now, what we did is we actually sat aside a time to sit on the couch in silence with each other present to face a difficult moment. It was not an emotional moment though. There were emotions because we had decided that we were going to share our feelings with each other. Now here's, what's interesting, in your brain, you might be thinking to yourself, yeah, but the last time I shared my emotions, I wasn't seen, I wasn't appreciated, I wasn't heard. They used it against me, being vulnerable is bad. If I show up as myself, there's a ramification. These feelings and these thoughts, while valid, these thoughts are not reality. They're based on past experiences and you have to be able to move through that. Now, here's, what's really interesting about it. If you share your experiences with someone and they rebuke them and they throw them back at you, that's going to tell you everything you need to know about that person. And I would tell you whether they're a friend, a family member, a business associate. or an intimate partner, you may want to heavily consider getting them the fuck out of your life because they are not going to serve you for the better.

And one of the greatest things that you can do in this journey, which is number five is to set boundaries. Now setting boundaries is Especially difficult for people who have traumatic experiences because we've learned that boundaries don't matter. Now you have to reiterate and remind yourself that boundaries do matter, especially in your conversation. Now, boundaries are not necessarily about time in this space. What these boundaries are really about is about creating an understanding of what time is. Is and is not okay to talk about because again, your person that you're having this conversation with isn't someone that you're dumping your shit on. Let's be clear about that, you're having this conversation about your past because it informs your present and that will inform your future. And if you're trying to have connection with another human being, your past, whether you like it or not, plays a role. And so when you set a boundary. Here's what it looks like, you go into the depth of a story. Hey, this thing happened here. And again, I don't know that you have to go into full detail. I don't think that serves people, right? But you want to create a framework so people can understand you. Now, when you create the framework, people may want you to go deeper and deeper, this is the part in which you have to decide what you're going to allow yourself to talk about and communicate with them. The boundary at this place is really about not hesitating to say no. If you do not feel comfortable, if you do not feel okay with going into the depth that is what the other person wants from you in the moment, it is your responsibility and your due diligence because nobody else is going to do this shit for you to simply say, Hey, I'm not there right now. Here's a tool that I use all the time. That's going to be very beneficial for you. I'm going to tell you a little bit about this, but I don't want to go in depth till later. That's it, that's all I do. Hey, I want to tell you a little bit about this experience because it's my experience. And this is the only way you're going to know who I am. I don't want to go into depth because it's way too much. But it'll tell you a little bit about who I am. And at a later time, if it makes sense or it feels right, I'll go deeper. And that is a boundary, it's one of the most important boundaries on communication I've ever learned.

I would say Number six, and this is important is you have to respect the other person's response. This is where people lose in the conversation all the time and may make a decision to never open up or be vulnerable again because they're scared that they're going to get hurt or be judged. And again, if you're hurt, or if you're judged in this conversation, you may want to consider that this person maybe doesn't really belong in your life, everyone responds to everything differently. There's no right or wrong. And we live in this stupid ass society right now that tells everyone, everyone has to respond to you in this exact way, or they're toxic or they're broken or they're fucked up and that's not true. No one has lived your experience. What you should be looking for in responses. is support, right? Is support and support can come through in a lot of different ways, but predominantly it's respect. Are they respecting you? And then in return, can you respect their response? Because if you cannot respect their response, then you cannot continue to have conversations with this person because that becomes a you problem. That is not a them problem, people need time to process shit, especially if it's fucked up, right? They might struggle and they might be in a. where they don't even know how to support you. And so this is really important that you have to understand that they're respecting the response is also about understanding that they're not disrespecting you. If somebody sits across from you and you share something with them because you feel like it's going to bring you closer and they go that's your fucking problem. Good luck. And this is real, this shit happens to people, hit the eject button immediately because that person is a fucking nightmare and you're just going to have a worse situation as you continue to go down that path.

Now, what I want to close on, and I think this is very important, is that no single conversation is going to change your life forever. Once you start building the framework of vulnerability and intimacy about the things that have happened to you in your life with the people in your life, it's important to recognize that you're probably going to have to follow up and continue to have these conversations over time. I've never had a single conversation that changed my life forever, and neither will you. There aren't, it's not that there aren't these moments where it's damn, that was powerful, that was helpful, there was a shift, but it's normally Hey, we're going to come back to this again and again.

And what's really important about this is again, even though I said again, like nine times just now these people, are not your emotional support humans, they're not your therapist, they're not your coach. What they are there. They are people who are there to support you who want to connect to you who want to be a part of your life. Now, the space in which you choose to bring that up is going to be predominantly based on where you are and what your needs are. And so it's really important for you to acknowledge your wants, your needs, your interest in your boundaries and ask yourself again. I want to close the loop at where I started. This is what is your intention in the conversation? This is so unbelievably important and overlooked. Ask yourself the question, why do I want to talk about my childhood trauma with this person? If you cannot answer that question, do not have the conversation. It's that simple because you're (A.) you're not ready (B.) It's going to turn into a nightmare and (C.) you're probably going to have unrealistic expectations. So my friend, I appreciate you listening to today's episode. If you need help guidance support, go to think unbroken. com where you can have a free coaching call with me. You can actually grab a free copy of think unbroken. There's tons of resources for your trauma healing journey.

And Until Next Week,

My Friend,

Be Unbroken.

I'll See.