Holding Boundaries And Letting Go Of Shame
In this episode, I talk about tips on managing the guilt and feelings that you may be being selfish when it comes to setting boundaries with family and friends as you move on to let go of shame.
Join the Think Unbroken Community Coaching Sessions at heal.
In this episode, I talk about tips on managing the guilt and feelings that you may be being selfish when it comes to setting boundaries with family and friends as you move on to let go of shame.
Join the Think Unbroken Community Coaching Sessions at coaching.thinkunbroken.com
Read my book Think Unbroken for FREE at book.thinkunbroken.com
--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/michaelunbroken/message
Support the Podcast: Become a listed sponsor!
Follow me on Instagram @MichaelUnbroken
Learn more about coaching at https://coaching.thinkunbroken.com
Get your FREE copy of my #1 Best-Selling Book Think Unbroken: https://book.thinkunbroken.com/
Hey, what's up, Unbroken Nation. Michael Anthony here—author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma. You're listening to or watching the Michael Unbroken Podcast.
Today, I'm going to talk to you about—I’m actually gonna read this—tips on managing the guilt and feelings that you may be being selfish when it comes to setting boundaries with family and friends.
The reason I had to read that was because it was a message from one of the listeners here. So, thank you very much for leaving your question. And, guys, you can always reach out to me. Leave your questions at michael@thinkunbroken.com or you can even leave them in the reviews on iTunes or in the comments on YouTube. I will read them. I will respond to them. I will make podcast episodes about them.
So, how do you deal with this guilt that you feel associated with the possibility of feeling selfish about holding true to your boundaries when it comes to family and friends? Reality? Look, you have to understand something really important about guilt. It's typically in association with things that you have done in your life that have led you to this place in which you understand guilt as a precursor for showing up for yourself.
Now, I know that sounds very complicated. Still, the simplified way of explaining this is that when we are young, this is ingrained, this is embedded, this feeling of guilt or shame about putting ourselves first, like is so deeply—it's probably so incredibly profoundly embedded that even this isn't going to be that helpful to you and tell you to understand something really, really, really important—and that is, you cannot be guilty of putting yourself first because if you don't put yourself first, how can you ever take care of other people?
The reason you feel guilty for putting yourself first, for holding up boundaries with family and friends, is because the entirety of your life has been depicted and understood within the capacity of “if I put myself second, then other people will care about me.” Or narrative to, if I don't put myself first, if I don't be “selfish,” then I will be safe, right? Meaning, when we're young, we're putting these precarious situations. And those situations all often—excuse me—they often involve those not stepping into our agency due to the fear, the ramification of taking action in our life or free when we do step into this—where we try to create something in our life on our terms—someone typically within our community, our family, our siblings, our peers, our teachers. They say, “how dare you, you're so selfish. Look how greedy you are. Always putting yourself first.” And that agency, that one moment could be so minor.
And here's what happens when we're in our developmental years. These one thing, these one moment, these single occurrences have a single sentence—”you're selfish because you put yourself first over your mother who bends over backwards.” You know, you've heard whatever that thing is—that guilt that they distill upon us. That one moment can become the precursor for everything that happens in your life.
I talk about this all the time. In order to understand—and my one-on-one clients, when we are coaching, they know this—like this is baseline. I'm going to share something with you here.
Baseline to get to where you want to go, you have to understand how you got to where you are. And if you got to where you are right now because someone ingrained the idea that you should feel guilty about taking care of yourself, then now to get to where you want to go, where you remove that guilt, is going to take a lot of action. You're gonna have to put in some work. Like, that's what it comes down to.
Feeling guilty about who it is that you are when it comes to taking care of yourself in conjunction with family and friends—like, think about this is fucking nonsense. Like really, it is. Like, truly at the depths of it, like when you really look at it, and you measure it and you go, “what's really going on here?” It's fucking nonsensical.
Of course, you should take care of yourself. Of course, you should have boundaries. Of course you hold true to those things. I don't let anybody cross my boundaries for any fucking reason. I can deal with a lot of shit in my life like I really can but I don't let people yell at me. If you yelled at me right now in anger, frustration—and I can be a frustrating person. I get that I'm super stubborn, I'm super driven. I’m a hundred-mile-an-hour kind of person. Like, people get frustrated with me. Fine. Get frustrated. You yell at me. Oh my God. I will never talk to you again. I might give you the space to apologize but you know, realistically, my boundary says, I don't allow people to yell at me because the form of communication I understood as a child is verbal violence—physical violence too, but verbal, and being yelled at, being screamed at, being belittled.
And so, think about this from that conjunct from that factor, right? You look at your life, you go in conjunction with the understanding of who I am versus the person that I was, can I formulate a way to move through this feeling of guilt when it comes to being “selfish” as defined by other fucking people and not me.
Well, first and foremost, what you have to understand is this idea of selfishness, if that's your self-defined narrative, then you have a different problem. If you are feeling like you're doing things selfishly, you have a very different problem than other people are telling me “I'm selfish.” Or the third option, which is, “I feel like I'm selfish, even though a part of me feels like this is the right thing to do.” Right? It gets convoluted, just like me speaking tonight. It gets convoluted.
The reason that it gets convoluted is that we've allowed ourselves to this space in which we justify the idea that somehow taking care of ourselves should be secondary. And when we take care of ourselves, we justify that predetermined, programming, embedded, and ingrained in us since youth for many of us, that by taking care of ourselves, we are selfish. And when you feed into that, then it holds true. Why? Because we are the stories that we tell ourselves.
If you are telling yourself, “I am selfish because I take care of myself,” that is a fucked-up story. Like, for real, that is a real wrong fucking story to tell yourself. You cannot be selfish. Take, like, I’ve said this before, self-care is not selfish. Boundaries are not selfish, they are self-care. If you're letting people run amok in your life, stepping on you, using you like a fucking doormat, treating you like shit, and then the second you say, “No. No more. Stop. I'm done,” you’re riddled with the feeling of guilt. That is embedded in you. That is ingrained in you. Someone has instilled that in you because generationally that has gone through your lineage, or your family system, or your community for longer than we've been here.
You have to stop that. You have to give yourself space and permission to recognize that you cannot live your life in full accordance with the person that you want to be if you are trapped within this understanding that you should feel guilt about taking care of yourself.
I don't ever—look, I'm, I'll share something with you, and you need to understand this. It took me a long time to get to this understanding. I'm trying to distill decades of knowledge into 10 minutes, right? In addition to all the education that I have and the same things that I share with my clients when we're coaching. And, right now is not enough time to go into the depth of it but this is enough to start to give you an idea about how you got here.
And so now you're here. Now you're looking at your life. You're measuring it. You're measuring it enough that you're having this conversation with me, which means it's a problem. So, how do you create a solution to this? What is it that you need to go from “I feel guilty when I take care of myself” to “I take care of myself and I do not feel guilt or selfishness about it because I have given myself permission to take care of myself first.”
Putting yourself first is not selfish unless you are doing it in a selfish way.
If you are intentionally hurting people by not showing up, by being selfish, by being rude—perfect example, like I was super selfish in my 20s. Like incredibly selfish. Like in a way that I didn't even understand until—you know—almost 20 years later I look back on my life, I go, “Oh my God. How could you do that to someone? How could I say that to someone? How could I not show up for the people who needed me?” It's because it was ingrained in me. Of course, that makes sense. How else do you think I got there.
And man, of course, as I always say, the only way to create changes by creating change. Now, you're faced with something very difficult. The only way that you're going to reframe the narrative that you have around this idea of being selfish and feeling guilt intertwined with it is to understand where it comes from. This is high-level. This is enough to get you started. Where does it come from? Look at your life. Look at your experiences. Look at the things that have led you to this place in your life where you are now taking into consideration of your agency being associated with your guilt.
And if you don't know what agency means, that means your choice is your decision. You are standing up for yourself. You're being you, those moments in time in which you are you. And if you're stuck, and if you're trapped within this idea of guilt and shame around it, then you need to understand first how you got to where you are so you can get to where you want to go.
Now, the process of getting from where you are to where you want to go—that’s action. I talked about this a couple weeks ago. Mindset plus action, equals self-actualization, and that is the place in which you become you.
Now, moving through shame and guilt—it’s delicate. Shame and guilt consume us. I talked about it a couple of episodes ago. Go back and listen to it a couple of episodes ago. I dove deep into shame and guilt. There's going to be a lot of benefits there for you but ultimately the idea that you should feel shame or guilt about boundaries, about showing up for yourself, about protecting yourself? It's nonsense and it's bullshit that was ingrained in you far before you could recognize or be cognizant that it was being implanted.
My friends, I hope this was super helpful for you today. As always, thank you so much for listening.
Please do me a favor—this really means the world to me—like, subscribe, comment, leave the message with a friend.
Until next time my friend...
Be Unbroken,
-Michael
Michael Unbroken
Coach
Michael is an entrepreneur, best-selling author, speaker, coach, and advocate for adult survivors of childhood trauma.
Listen On
Welcome to The Think Unbroken Podcast!
Here are some of my favorite recent guests!
A Warrior's Path to Overcoming PTSD | with Kelsi Sheren
In this powerful episode, Michael Unbroken interviews Kelsi Sheren, a Canadian combat veteran who served in Afghanistan. Kelsi shares her harrowing journey of struggling with PTSD, depression, and suicidal thoughts after witnessing... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/a-warriors-path-to-overcoming-ptsd-with-kelsi-sheren/
How to Face Fear and Achieve the Impossible | with James Lawrence
James shares the powerful mindset and resilience that enabled him to achieve these seemingly impossible challenges. See show notes below...
How to Find the Courage to Be Yourself | with Leila Hormozi
In this powerful episode, Michael Unbroken sits down with Leila Hormozi. Leila opens up about her traumatic childhood experiences of loneliness, neglect, and having an absentee mother struggling with addiction. She shares how a pivotal moment as a young girl …
Break Toxic Relationship Cycles | with Kel Cal
In this episode, special guest Kel Cal shares her personal journey of leaving an emotionally abusive marriage, overcoming childhood trauma, and reclaiming her power. Learn how... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/break-toxic-relationship-cycles-with-kel-cal/#shownotes
From Addict to Healer | with Brandon Novak
Michael Unbroken delves into addiction, redemption, and self-love with guest Brandon Novak.... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/from-addict-to-healer-with-brandon-novak/#show-notes
The Journey to Self-Love and Personal Growth | with David Shands
Welcome to the Think Unbroken Podcast, where Michael dives deep into insightful conversations with extraordinary individuals like David Shands.... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/the-journey-to-self-love-and-personal-growth-with-david-shands/#show-notes
How to Live with Survivors Guilt | with Cole Hatter
In this episode, I am joined by my guest Cole Hatter, a renowned thought leader and inspirational speaker... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/how-to-live-with-survivors-guilt-with-cole-hatter/#show-notes
Building Resilience and Unstoppable Confidence | with Stormy Wellingt…
In today's episode, I speak with Stormy Wellington a Spiritual Leader, Wellness Guru and Modern-Day Harriet Tubman... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/building-resilience-and-unstoppable-confidence-with-stormy-wellington/#show-notes
E106 Overcoming Addiction Through Yoga with Cole Chance
In this episode, we have a guest speaker Cole Chance. She is a yoga teacher, instructor, and educator who I've known for quite a long time, who actually played a pivotal role in my healing journey. We talk about her …
E109 The Power of Quitting with John Lee Dumas | CPTSD and Trauma Hea…
In this episode, we have a guest speaker, John Lee Dumas. He is an incredible human being, a former officer in the Army, entrepreneur, and host of the number one rated business podcast that I've had the privilege of being …
Letting Go of Shame and Embracing Self-Love with Andrea Ashley
In this powerful episode of the Think Unbroken Podcast, host Michael Unbroken sits down with Andrea Ashley, the host of the Adult Child Podcast, to discuss the journey of healing and self-love... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/letting-go-of-shame-and-embracing-self-love-with-andrea-ashley/#show-notes
Finding Home Within Yourself After Heartbreak with Najwa Zebian
In today's episode, I am joined by my guest – Najwa Zebian. Najwa is a bestselling author and activist who has written a powerful guide to building a home for your soul called "Welcome Home". Through their candid conversation... See …
Lesley Logan - Chasing Your Purpose | Trauma Healing Podcast
Join our FREE COMMUNITY as a member of the Unbroken Nation: How do you chase your purpose? We talk about how to chase your purpose. Living with purpose is about remembering why you started and living in a way that …
E358: 10-No BS lessons to be the HERO of your life with Lisa Bilyeu |…
In this episode of the Think Unbroken Podcast, Lisa Bilyeu shares how she kickstarted herself out of the mundane to become one of the most influential voices in the personal development world-and how you too can gain the confidence to …
E186: How I became Unbroken on 7 Hats | CPTSD and Trauma Healing Podc…
In this episode, I was recently on The Seven Hats Podcast, and I've never done this before, so this will be my first time on the show that I do anything like this. You're about to listen to an episode …
E131 Overcoming Trauma and Self-Sabotage with Iris McAlpin | CPTSD an…
In this episode, I sit down with my friend Iris McAlpin. Iris McAlpin is a certified trauma coach and NARM® Practitioner specializing in self-sabotage, eating disorder recovery, and complex trauma. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e131-overcoming-trauma-and-self-sabotage-with-iris-mcalpin-cptsd-and-trauma-healing-coach/#show-notes
E108 Who is Michael Unbroken
In this episode, I would love to share my back story with you. I'm going to include the preface to my book Think Unbroken Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma. This is a dive into my background, story, journey, and what's …
Erica Garza - One Woman’s Journey Through Sex and Porn Addiction | Tr…
Join us for FREE, Unbroken Conference at: Do women struggle with porn addiction? In this episode, I speak with Erica Garza the author of the memoir, Getting Off:... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/erica-garza-one-womans-journey-through-sex-and-porn-addiction-trauma-healing-coach/#show-notes
Jonas Kaplan - How Neuroscience Impacts your Beliefs, Identity, and S…
Today, you'll learn more about the foundational understanding of identity and beliefs and why we operate the way we do and look at how... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/jonas-kaplan-how-neuroscience-impacts-your-beliefs-identity-and-self-narrative-mental-health-coach/#show-notes
Dr. Laura Berman - Is your past standing in the way of self-love? Her…
In today's episode, I'm very excited to share with you Dr. Laura Berman, a sex and relationship expert who has helped thousands of people over the years. And thousands and thousands of people learn some of the most practical tools …
E242: Suicide, incest, vulnerability, and kindness with Paul Gilmarti…
In this episode, I'm very excited to be back with you with another episode, and today's guest is Paul Gilmartin, the host of Mental Illness Happy Hour. If you've ever had thoughts about suicide, this is an episode that you …
E344: If You Want To FIND YOUR PURPOSE In Life with Jenna Kutcher | T…
Change is inevitable; it's as imminent as the moon, the tide, and the seasonal Starbucks menu; it's a rite of passage for all of us. Transformation is power, energy, and momentum. It keeps us moving forward. See show notes at: …
E50: Being a WARRIOR through childhood trauma with Anthony Trucks
In this episode, I speak with my friend, the unstoppable Anthony Trucks. Listen as we break down how to turn pain into triumph and why becoming the hero of your own story starts with making Shift Happen. Please Rate and …
Overcoming Trauma and Finding Hope: Personal Stories and Practical Ti…
Today, we delve into the journey of overcoming trauma and finding hope. I will share personal stories and offer practical tips for those who are struggling with their... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/watch-this-and-everything-will-change-trauma-healing-podcast/#show-notes
Exploring the Myth of Normal Mental Health with Dr. Gabor Maté
In this episode, we sit down with Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert in the field of addiction, stress and childhood development. Dr. Maté discusses the myth of "normal" mental health and how our society's narrow definition of what is …
Vishen Lakhiani - Letting go of Pain and Finding Forgiveness | Mental…
In this episode, I speak with amazing guest Vishen Lakhiani. He is an entrepreneur, author, and activist on a mission to raise human... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/vishen-lakhiani-letting-go-of-pain-and-finding-forgiveness-mental-health-podcast/#show-notes
E379: Moran Cerf - How LUCID dreaming can IMPACT mental health and tr…
On Today's Episode: I am joined by my guest Moran Cerf s a neuroscientist and business professor at the Kellogg School of Management and the neuroscience program at Northwestern University. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e379-moran-cerf-how-lucid-dreaming-can-impact-mental-health-and-trauma/#show-notes
Transform Your Life: 10 Innovative Ideas with Gino Wickman
Are you looking to make a change in your life but don't know where to start? Today, I am joined by my friend Gino Wickman as he shares 10 innovative ideas to help you take control and transform your life... …
Healing from Trauma with Dr. Mariel Buqué: Expert Insights and Strate…
In this episode, I speak with Dr. Mariel Buqué, a holistic psychologist & an intergenerational trauma expert. Join us as she shares her insights and strategies for healing from traumatic experiences and building resilience... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/healing-from-trauma-with-dr-mariel-buque-expert-insights-and-strategies/#show-notes
Navigating The Mental Health To Be a Multi-million Dollar Entrepreneu…
Today, we sit down with Amy Porterfield, an ex-corporate girl turned online marketing expert and CEO of a multi-million dollar business... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/navigating-the-mental-health-to-be-a-multi-million-dollar-entrepreneur-with-amy-porterfield/#show-notes
E203: How to Understand Addiction as a Trauma Survivor with Dr. Anna …
In this episode, I am excited to bring on Dr. Anna Lembke, one of the leading researchers and scientists on addiction on planet earth. She is a professor of psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine and Chief of the …
E113 Jordan Harbinger on ending struggle through action | CPTSD and T…
In this episode, we have a guest speaker Jordan Harbinger. Jordan is a former corporate lawyer who became a master podcaster. Jordan lays out some of the most incredible and practical tools about what it means to create a change …
Navigating Trauma and Mental Health with Lori Gottlieb, a Psychothera…
In this episode, I speak with Lori Gottlieb, a licensed psychotherapist, as she delves into the complexities of trauma healing and mental health... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/navigating-trauma-and-mental-health-with-lori-gottlieb-a-psychotherapists-perspective/#show-notes
The Wisdom of Rabbi Steven Z. Leder: Living a Meaningful Life and Fac…
Today, we sit down with Rabbi Steven Z. Leder, Senior Rabbi of Wilshire Boulevard Temple, to discuss his journey to becoming a rabbi, and expert on death... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/the-wisdom-of-rabbi-steven-z-leder-living-a-meaningful-life-and-facing-the-reality-of-death/#show-notes
Dr. Uma Naidoo- Harvard Psychiatrist on how to use food and diet to h…
Join our FREE COMMUNITY as a member of the Unbroken Nation: How do you start healing your body with food? In this episode, I speak with amazing guest, Dr. Uma Naidoo, who is a Nutritional Psychiatrist. We talk about recognizing …
E346: The MINDSET of A ZEN Navy SEAL with Mark Divine | Mental Health…
About seven years ago, I listened to today's guest, Mark Divine, on Tom Bilyeu's Inside Quest. And I was immediately captivated, like I could not actually put into words the thoughts going through my head. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e346-the-mindset-of-a-zen-navy-seal-with-mark-divine-mental-health-coach/#show-notes
E299: The Miracle Mindset with Tim Storey | CPTSD and Trauma Healing …
In this episode, the number one celebrity coach on planet earth is about to have a conversation with us, Unbroken Nation. I am to announce and share with you that you are about to listen to none other than the …
Overcoming Addiction and Healing Trauma with Mike Diamond
Have you been personally impacted by addiction and trauma and are looking for actionable techniques to make a positive difference? This episode is for you!... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/overcoming-addiction-and-healing-trauma-with-mike-diamond/#show-notes
How to Think Unbroken - AlignCon keynote with Michael Unbroken
Join us for an inspiring episode of the Think Unbroken Podcast featuring a keynote speech by Michael Unbroken, a remarkable individual who defied all odds to achieve success... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/how-to-think-unbroken-aligncon-keynote-with-michael-unbroken/#show-notes
Transform Failure Into Success With Love with Ryan Pineda
In this episode, we have an inspiring guest speaker, Ryan Pineda, joining us to share his incredible story of turning failure into success through the power of love... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/transform-failure-into-success-with-love-with-ryan-pineda/#show-notes
The Secret for Abundance Mindset | with Chance Welton
Are you ready to unlock the secret to living an abundant life?... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/the-secret-for-abundance-mindset-with-chance-welton/#show-notes
Unleashing Personal Growth and Transformation with Ryan Zofay
In this episode, I interview Ryan Zofay, a successful entrepreneur and motivational speaker who has dedicated his life to teaching personal development strategies... See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/unleashing-personal-growth-and-transformation-with-ryan-zofay/#show-notes
E325: Cleaning your Mental Mess with Dr. Caroline Leaf | Mental Healt…
In this episode, we have an amazing guest – Doctor Caroline Leaf, who has played a massive role in my personal healing journey over the years, someone that has been a voice that has helped me get to where I …
E369: Dr. Jud Brewer - end ANXIETY and WORRY today! | CPTSD and Traum…
What if I told you that anxiety and worry were emotional, behavioral habits that you can end through a simple three-step process. Jud Brewer. AKA Dr. Jud is a New York Times bestselling author and thought leader in the field …
E318: How to be happy and manifest the life you want with David Meltz…
In this episode, I speak with one of my great friends David Meltzer. David has spent the last vast majority of his life on a mission to help over one billion people be happy. See show notes at: https://www.thinkunbrokenpodcast.com/e318-how-to-be-happy-and-manifest-the-life-you-want-with-david-meltzer-mental-health-coach/#show-notes
Natalie Dawson - Finding Confidence and Courage | Trauma Healing Coach
How Do You Build Confidence in Yourself? Confidence can be a tough thing to build up. But today, we will talk about how to put together some handy tips to help you and be the hero... See show notes at: …
E157: Discovering who you are through fear with Dave Hollis | CPTSD a…
In this episode, I sit with my friend Dave Hollis and we talk about his journey to where he is today, you know, it's a really fascinating conversation and a story about not only facing your fear but what it …
E130 The Theory of Impact with Tom Bilyeu | CPTSD and Trauma Healing …
In this episode, we have a guest speaker Tom Bilyeu. Tom is someone I consider to be both a peer and a mentor who tremendously helped me in my journey – singularly, I can point to him and three other …
E125 Creating Success in your Life with Damon Burton | CPTSD and Trau…
In this episode, I speak with one of my very close friends, Damon Burton. Damon is a Forbes contributor and an Amazon best-selling SEO book author that helps you show up higher on Google… without paying for ads. See show …