Overcoming Odds & Achieving Greatness after Childhood Trauma – Secrets from Special Guests

Overcoming Challenges and Embracing Success in life | with Jerome Maldonado

Michael: Why are you the outlier? What is it that you know that they don't? Because this is what I think people come to a lot as they're like, why is it that talking about myself? They'll look at me and go, how did he figure out? Right. 

Jerome: You said it just a second ago. I mean, there's multiple reasons, right? There's more than just this, but there's like, one of the things that you just said that you do is really is one of the tactical ways how you overcome it. And you don't look at how it's affecting your day like if somebody tells me something negative today about me, I'm like, like, how's that really gonna affect my life tomorrow? Like, it really doesn't. Right? And I look at the future and I ask myself those questions sometimes I look at it, I go, okay, who is this person? How would they affected my life in a positive, negative way in the past? How would they affected me in a negative, positive way today? And will what they're doing and telling me to dig in, is it gonna affect my life tomorrow? And if it doesn't, if they haven't affected me and they're not affecting me and they're not going to affect my life in a positive way, why should I allow them into my life to affect me today? And none of that adds up to me moving forward in life. I disregard it a hundred percent.

Michael: Do you think that's like your superpower then? 

Jerome: I think I'm blessed that I have that, and I do when I pray, sometimes I tell, I'll say like, God, thank you, by the grace of God, I go because I feel sometimes that I'm lucky that I have something because I know what's easier said and done. It's taken a lot of work and my wife's been telling me that, 'cause there's a lot of mental illness that runs in my family line, like back and I think that, and she goes, I think that you are okay with who you are because of all the self-development that you're done since I was 18 years old in entrepreneurship because I've been doing it for 30 years. And I don't, I sometimes ask myself if I'd be a different person. If I wouldn't have gotten into this entrepreneurial journey at such a young age and into personal development at such a young age, and probably 100% for sure, because. I've been working on my personal development for 30 years.

Michael: Yeah, dude, here's what I always tell people. I'm like, do you really want to find out who you are? Be an entrepreneur. Right. And like, it's funny 'cause sometimes people push back on me like, I thought your show was about mental health. I'm like, yeah, that's the entire game of entrepreneurship, it's all mental forever. And then you're like in this forever but I think that one of the really interesting parts about the personal development journey, is as you grow, you watch everything around you grow. And you got into it very young, which I think is absolutely phenomenal like, you had a child, I'm gonna call him a child 'cause he is still 17 and when you're 17 your child. I don't care what you say, you're stupid. But you had a kid, I was speaking at your mastermind and you have all these incredible entrepreneurs in there, paid a ton of money to be with you and there is this kid. 17 in the room. And bro, my first thought I was like, bro, if I was in that room when I was 17, yeah, that'd be a freaking billionaire right now. And so, my hope is like, here's what's interesting children are so open to receiving. You're the owner even at that age, at 18, 19, 20 and we have adults I know the average person listening to this show, about 40 years old. Right? I'm heading into my forties, I'm getting there. I've been on a personal development journey for 13 years. It's like, even still, man, I'm like bashing my head against the wall 'cause I'm like, you don't get this still, like, what we are missing the boat here. What do you think people need to do to really take advantage of personal development?

Jerome: They need to get rid of the negative people in their life. This is the hardest part for people, it was hard for me. I still battle with this sometimes, I talk about how good and how my mom was to be growing up and how she was my backbone. Then as I was an adult, my mom and dad also became a crutch, and my mom and dad are, I'm lucky to, to have my parents in their mid-seventies still healthy and I love them to death. God bless their hearts, but there's people in your life you have to rid of either long term or temporarily or certain aspects to get to where you need to get and you need to make sure that you're not selfish when you're doing it.

Michael: Let's go into that. How do you not be selfish while you do it?

Jerome: No, I'm sorry. You need to be selfish. 

Michael: Yeah, I thought that might be where you were going. 'cause I was like, how do we navigate that?

Jerome: So, when you're going through this, you have to be selfish. And I've told people this when I'm training. I'm saying I'll tell 'em in front of a room. When I'm working with people, I know they're at this slot, I'll tell 'em, look, this time right now, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for you to be greedy and selfish because I was always taught that a drowning person can't save another drowning person. And so, if you're out in the middle of the ocean struggling to stay alive, you can't help nobody, you gotta help yourself first, you gotta get on dry land. And so if you're being affected emotionally by people that are around you, and you know what's hard is the biggest thing is it's the people you love, it is your parents a lot of times sometimes it's your spouse. You know, like entrepreneurship when you've already been married for a long time is hard sometimes, because you might be growing and your wife might not be vice versa, you know? And it's hard, you know, 'cause I don't tell anybody, well, you're growing at a different pace or some, you know, like that's the opposite what you want to do. And you may find that, that your spouse may never embrace your journey. So, one thing that, that I was blessed with was I was just a single man, no kids, taking on this journey. But one thing I was very adamant about when I met my wife was the direction I was going. And she, so much so that is, we grew together, she became a little bit bitter at a certain point in time in our relationship 'cause all relationships go through ups and downs. And as close as my wife and I feel that my wife and I are now, we've traveled a rollercoaster journey over the course of the last 25 years that her and I have been together and the last 16, almost 17 years that we've been married. And part of that was there was times where she was yum and I just told her the direction my life was gonna go and it was non-negotiable like I was non not negotiating the terms of the direction I wanted my life to go like I wanted. I was gonna be an entrepreneur. I was working that direction. By the time I met her, I was already doing well. I'd already ridden a little bit of a five-year roller coaster. And I wasn't willing to give that up and working out my one-hour workout, four days. In fact, those are two things I told her like, those are non-negotiable. My wife, like if I have to negotiate those, I'm less, I feel like I'm less of a man. And those are two factors in my life that I'm not willing to negotiate with. And there was a certain point in time where we had kids and she started losing her sense of identity because she gave up her professional career to be a mom, which was highly, I disrespect, and loved her for so much, but it was hard for her. And after the second baby, it was hard for her to get in the shape that she was in running eight miles a week before my son was born, you know, and living in this young woman's body, growing into a mom and she felt like she was losing her body, her sense of identity and knowing that, does my husband still love me for all of this? And we had a ride through some of this stuff and I never gave up, it compromised my goals and she was bitter about it certain once in time, but we worked through it together. And I had to work harder at being a better husband and I had to work harder at understanding why she was in need of, that I had to work harder at, and it took me years, like this didn't happen overnight. Like, I mean, you battle with it for like a few months, then you have a few months of good times where it doesn't come up. Then a circumstance your life happens where it makes them feel inferior again, or what you're doing is not the direction that you're going in together. And it's a constant growth and up and down rollercoaster ride and now I feel like I understand it better God, I hope so 25 years of doing it in 17 years of being together and I'm still not perfect. I still say dumb shit, you know? And there's still some times that we're not in alignment like even all this social media stuff, she caress less about this than she does my other stuff 'cause she doesn't understand it quite yet, you know?

And so, she supports me. I'm never given a reason not to, but we have to understand that, that those relationships are real and those people affect your life. So, when you're in your infant stages of change and growth and development, you need to be around people that truly support you and help you grow. And sometimes the people that help you grow in moments tear you down and in those moments you have to know what to shake off 'cause sometimes those people church more from those people than it does from sedentary individuals that are just out there in life. Right?

Michael: Yeah, a hundred percent and one of the things that came to mind for me is like, those relationships with the people of our lives are very difficult to navigate when you are driven. And I have experienced, I've had to learn the lesson the hard way. I mean, I've shared this on this show before, but I completely ruined a relationship 'cause I was overly focused on the goal of probably the woman I should have married. Right. I won't say maybe the, 'cause obviously I would've, you know, whatever. But my point is like, I got so zeroed in on money at 25 years old and everyone knows I lost all the money. Right. But if, maybe, if I would've been focused differently, things would've been different with that woman. And I remember probably four years ago I was like listening to Grant Cardone say something and I didn't really understand it until like I set, I processed it and I looked back on some of my relationships and some of my friendships, and he said the reason why he knew he was supposed to marry his wife is 'cause one day he told her, I'll give up anything for you except my dreams. And she said, I wouldn't expect anything less and what I realized in retrospect, looking at that woman that I was with in my twenties, it was, I will give up literally everything of all time ever to have. And not understanding that the dreams of being able to navigate that has to be so much more than just like money and success. And now when I think about my goals, which are like literally on the back of my foe, which I reap 17 times a day, which I write down twice a day every day. One of them is to be in a healthy, long sustaining relationship that I get to say I was in for 25 years. Right. And that to me is something that I move for but there is a f*cking, there is a caveat in this that me, that is everything. And so, I'm not gonna stop going for my dreams for this. And I think the right person in your life, the right people in your life will respect it. When I go and I look at like my friendships of my twenties, dude, those guys all doing the same shit we did, they're all drunk, they're all overweight. Look, may be clear I'm not shitting on them 'cause I love them, but what I'm saying is you look at my circle now, those people are not my circle and we're so tied to this idea that when we're changing, it's not okay to leave people behind. And I think it's the most important thing we can do.

Jerome: And I think that sometimes people think they're leaving him behind forever, I'll tell you.

Michael: I agree. I don't think it's right.

Jerome: Like I got a good friend of mine that I hold close to my heart, and I don't hang out with him on a regular basis. I'll see him maybe, maybe once a year. And when we get together, we laugh, man, we tell stories and it's a good time. But I know that I can't hang out with him every day because the lifestyle that he lives and the lifestyle that I live are entirely different, they'll either be some level of resentment that he has towards me because maybe he might feel inferior to what I've been able to accomplish because he's looking at it a monetary, on a financial basis. And to me that holds almost zero relevance and he's a good dad, a good husband, he's not standing stood in his own two feet. But people get resentful of that. In the opposite, he drinks a lot and he doesn't really fit my lifestyle right. And as much as I love him, I just don't wanna be around the alcohol and it just doesn't fit the direction that I want my kids to see. It doesn't fit the direction and the example of that portion of being a father that I want to depict on my kids. And I just don't want that to be a depiction in my life as well, because you slowly start succumbing your life to the people you're around. So if I'm around him more regularly, I probably will end up drinking. 

How to Live with Survivors Guilt | with Cole Hatter

Michael: How do you reconcile with yourself that survivor's guilt? 

Cole: So for me it was a process. It wasn't a Bible verse or a conversation, it wasn't an aha moment. It was almost like layers of an onion being peeled that depression and that survivor's guilt. And I still have it if I'm being totally transparent like there are still times God is, like I said, I've lost more than the most and I've been blessed more than most. And one of the ways that survivor's guilt shows up for me is when I have like a big month and we do like a seven-figure month, or it's just something crazy happens in my business or in my personal life. I have a child, right? I have three beautiful babies. I have a sense of guilt because Steve and Matt never had enough life to experience that. And it's like, man, I'm not just getting by like God is giving me abundance. My business is blowing up in a good way. My marriage, as I shared with you a couple of hours ago, is the best it's been in the entire time I've been with my wife like things are amazing for me and a lot of times when I'm in a really good season, survivor's guilt shows up that I feel guilty that I have so much when Steve and Matt didn't even get to live. So that's one way it shows up for me. 

How I reconciled that and that's still to this day, but how I tolerate it and how I deal with it, and how I've taken it from unbearable to totally being able to live my life powerfully again, was, like I said, slowly, like the layers of an onion peeling off. And I think where I got my biggest healing was this is another crazy part of my story, but I ended up starting, so that was in 2004 where those two accidents happened when I lost Steve and Matt, 2005 I started my first business and had phenomenal success. 2008, the recession started. I don't know if you remember that. It beat me up and I lost almost everything. So, 2010, I was down to like my last $30,000 to my name in my checking account and quit my business, moved to Mexico and became a missionary. I just felt called to go down there and I realized that I promised Steve and Matt a few years earlier that I would live a life big enough for all of us and the only way that I went about doing that was to start a business and make money. And I thought about it and I was like, if I died today, all I would be able to do is tell Steve and Matt, hey, I got four more years than you and I just went and got rich. All I did was made money. I didn't give back. I didn't contribute, I didn't help others.

So, I went the extreme opposite and moved to Mexico and became a missionary. My business was falling apart because of the recession. So, I gave my dad my half of the company, he was my business partner. I gave him my half of the company. I moved to Mexico, I joined staff with a nonprofit organization called Ywam Youth with a Mission, and my job was to build houses for homeless families.

I lived in Mexico for the next seven and a half months full-time. And the only thing I did was I would like read my Bible and I would surf and I would eat tacos and I would build houses for homeless families, and that was it. And that immersion in that environment slowly but surely helped me process the survivor's guilt so that I could get to the place I'm at now where I could unapologetically pursue things in life without feeling guilty about it.

Michael: What part of that did the processing come through? Because I think that's the place where people get stuck, they're like, I'm gonna go on this mission. I'm gonna go find myself. I'm gonna go and attempt to do all these things for the betterment of the world. But then there's no shift and maybe it's just divine intervention. I mean, I don't know, but was there something you could pinpoint to really kind of being a catalyst for that?

Cole: Dude, for the first time in my life, being alone. Being alone in my thoughts, being alone in my prayer life. For the first time in my life, I tried fasting, which is something that is not even a religious thing anymore like intermittent fasting is like whatever health freak does nowadays. And so, I did like three-day water fasts, where for three days I would do nothing other than drink water, I wouldn't juice like smoothies, nothing, just pure water, no food, and I would just be deep in prayer and deep in meditation and deep in thought. And what I have found even in my more adult life now, is that solitude gives me so much clarity and being alone and away from the noise and being away from the conversations is so powerful. I did a program called 75 Hard, which was started by a friend of mine, Annie Fer, and my favorite part of 75 Hard is for at least 45 minutes a day. I'm completely alone because one of my two workouts, I always either go for a jog or I go for a walk or I go for a bike ride, and then the other workouts at the gym where I'm surrounded by people. But that 45 minute alone oftentimes is my favorite 45 minutes of the entire day. And so, there's something interesting, and I don't know what it is about it, but being alone in my own thoughts, helps me to process way faster.

And so in Mexico, I had no friends. I had no community. I mean, I had a community, I was a part of the nonprofit, but I had left my whole life in the United States. I lived in Mexico with complete strangers. So I was alone all the time. And I think that that was the catalyst that alone time gave me the emotional space and the mental space and the physical space. If we're talking space to slowly process and it took the pain from a 10 to a nine to an eight to a seven. And I would say that it's that alone time, that was the catalyst that did it for me.

Michael: Yeah. Which is also the scariest time 'cause guess what? You've gotta figure out who you are now. And there's nobody to distract you. I always, whenever I'm coaching my clients, one thing I always tell them, I was like, you gotta find the space to be by yourself. One of the greatest things I've ever done in my personal journey, I moved to Thailand one way ticket, and I just sat on beaches and I did martial arts and I ate Thai food. And you know, I did volunteer work and I wrote the first book and it was like, dude, the all the therapy, all the coaching, all the mentorship, I mean all of that plays a role, you know, this obviously, but being there in the space of just presence with me, man, there's so much power in that and people are terrified of it. It's really uncomfortable to be alone 'cause all the both good things and the f*cked up things that you've done and you've experienced, they come to the surface. And I feel like so many people suffer in the silence not knowing that it's actually the gateway.

Cole: I think that's powerful. I think that being alone in your own thoughts is vulnerable to a degree, not publicly, but with yourself. Like you said, you figure out who you are and I've never had this conversation before. Honestly, I've never talked about that being a catalyst and that aloneness, but if that's even a word, but I gotta tell you, man, and for the listeners that are processing right now, something heavy in your own life, just taking a long walk and being completely alone in your own thoughts. The first time, nothing might happen. The second, third time, nothing might happen. But if you're consistent with it, like going to the gym, you go to the gym, once, you didn't lose any weight, you go to the gym five times, five days in a row, you didn't lose any weight. But if you stick with the gym five months, you'll look like a whole new person. And the same is true with being alone. It's gotta be something that you commit to and practice semi daily, if not daily for a couple of months, and you will realize that so many things that are heavy burdens in your life starts to become lighter. 

Michael: Yeah. And I think in that too, you do need support, right? And I think one of the really hard parts is here's the juxtaposition of this conversation on the one hand, I completely and utterly agree with you entirely. Obviously, we're on the same page. Go and find the alone time on the other side it's like, you cannot do this alone. You cannot go down this healing path alone. I think people will see guys like you in the world and go, man, this guy’s-built success. He's kind of this public figure guy, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, but you didn't do this by yourself. How do you find help?

Cole: I think through community. And so shout out to the men and women who, from my therapists, to my pastors, to my family, to just my community who have, who have had my back. But I think what you said is really an important distinction to make to your audience is the alone time is important, but I'm not alone 24 7. I'm not a monk that moved to a cave in the middle of the mountains. I am still engaging in conversation and interacting with people. I'm just taking moments of alone time. But to your point having a mentor or having support from somebody is absolutely crucial. And your question was how do you find them? I have found all of those people in my life that have been instrumental through community, through my church, through my masterminds, through my network of just being transparent and telling people, hey, I have a need right now. I'm struggling with this thing. Do you have any recommendations on someone that can help me? 

Michael: Let's go into that for a second. 'cause I think that is, you just nailed it on the head. Your willingness to be transparent, but it's the scariest thing people can do. More so let's add a layer to, it's probably the most terrifying thing most men can do. We grew up being told, figure it out, man up, don't be a bitch. And there's an element to that, which I can get on board with, it's like you do have to pull yourself through, but the side of it that I can't is the ostracization of it, where you're by yourself, you're eliminated from all of your community society, and you're suffering in silence. What is your thought process like in a literal sense? When you're asking for help, like what is going through your head that leads down to this path where you're like, I'm gonna raise my hand and be like, this is where I'm at, this is the place I'm struggling. Can someone help me? 

Cole: Yeah. I think for me, and you know, again, another unique question, but my initial response, lemme think this through. I guess it's uncomfortable at first to ask for help, of course, but I get to a point eventually where the pain is stronger than the discomfort of asking for help. And so, I might have something that's embarrassing, like, I'm depressed about losing Steve and Matt, and I want to have a therapist to talk to me, but that's an embarrassing, I'm just making this up. But that's an embarrassing thing to talk about. Right. But the depression will grow to a point where you're so miserable that the discomfort is stronger than the concerns or afraid or shyness of asking for help. Does that make sense?

And so, I think for me to answer your question, where I got to was I was just so broken and so sick of being broken that the shame of asking for help, whatever, you know, and there is no shame in asking for help. I'm saying at the moment, like, maybe I had some shame in asking for help or embarrassment or whatever it was that like maybe for six months I knew I needed some support and I just kept putting it off for that shame, that embarrassment or whatever. But the pain eventually got to the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. You know, physical, my buddy had a tooth problem. I don't know why this is coming to my head and he lived with it for like six months, and you've to like hold his cheek. I'm like, what is wrong with you? And finally, he ended up biting something and breaking his tooth. And so, then he had to go to the dentist and get it fixed and now his mouth is fine. And it's like, how sad was it that he lived with pain for six months until finally it became a big enough problem that he had to address it, and now his life is fine again. But it took the pain getting unbearable before he took action. 

Building Resilience and Unstoppable Confidence | with Stormy Wellington

Michael: I wanted to give people permission to go be great, even though they come from backgrounds like us and to show them that no matter what, this is absolutely possible. You can have what you want in life, but people are terrified to tap into their self, to their belief, to their intuition, to their heart, and to be that confident person. Where did confidence come from? How do you build it and how do you maintain it? 

Stormy: Wow, great question. So, not to sound arrogant, but it's like when you know something because you've dried it and you've done it and you've seen it work, you know it works. It's kind of like your grandmother giving you the recipe to her. I mean, famous red velvet cake. She tells you exactly five scoops of flour, one stick of land o lakes butter, and she put land o lakes. You know, she puts a flour and she make sure you put the oven at four 50. She knows that this recipe is gonna give you the output of her famous red velvet cake. I failed and succeeded so much from mentally, spiritually, physically, financially, relationally, that I have, I call it my formula, right? And everybody has a formula. So, I am not a religious girl, I'm a spiritual girl. I used to be a religious girl. I remember I was strictly the pastor said this, and this is what the pastor said, and this is what we gonna do. The prophet told me this, and the apostle told me this. And then after a while I started to realize that, wait a minute, they're human just like me, they make error just like me. If God told 'em something, why God ain't come and tell me. So, I started to work on my spirit, having a relationship with God, knowing that you got big God and I'm little God. So I know that I have power, I have the power to speak a thing and it should come to pass. I believe that a thought is a thing that you constantly believe to be true. So I believe that whatever I believe to be true, I can make happen 'cause I believe it to be true I believe in principles. And so I try to do it all everybody else way and every time I try to do it everybody else way, I'm literally, I could see the failure. And then when I do it the way that I know works, it always works. So, I think that that arrogance is when you have an air about yourself that you can't be, excuse me, f*cked with, and that's not true. I could be fucked with. I could be, but I know how to not be fucked with, so therefore I become unfuckwithable. So, I know what my formula is and I know that everybody has one. And so, once I discovered it and I tested it, I tested it, I tested what life would be like doing what everybody else do, and I saw what the results was. And then I tested living life the way I learned to live it and now it's like, I mean, I'm very peaceful, I don't let people bother me, I'm happy with myself. I don't need no entourage. I don't need no friends. I don't need you to like me. I don't need you to approve of me. I don't need you to understand me like it just is what it is. I am Stormy Nicole Wellington and I know who I am. I know what I'm supposed to do. I know my assignment. I know what I ain't supposed to do. And I mean, that's just it so it's not an arrogance, it's just I'm aware, you know, and it's, God forbid dance, you know, God is within me and so therefore can I fail? So that's pretty much what it is. And I think when you've succeeded and failed and you did it multiple times, it's like, why am I doubting what I know to be true? I did it. Listen, I live a life people dream of, right? And nobody gave me nothing. And I've helped so many people that you would've never thought could've even been helped. So why should I doubt what I already know? I know because I've done it and I've done it multiple times. Everything that I say, I know it because it worked. If that makes sense. 

Michael: A hundred percent. This is obviously not the Grant Cardone show, but I need to say this. So I was speaking at one of his boot camps and I won this speak off that he did and he invested $10,000 into Think Unbroken. Right. And you know, this grant doesn't give people money. And so that was such a powerful moment and he sat across from me and he says, Michael, man, you need to take your flowers. And I never heard anyone tell me this before. I always bring this up on the show 'cause it's such an important thing 'cause it ties into what you just said. It's about acknowledging your greatness like you did something amazing. And people, I think about this a lot, we're told to be humble. Stand in the back of the room, raise your hand to go to the bathroom. You do something great. Oh, it's everybody else's thing. But Stormy, sometimes it's you, you pulled yourself outta hell. The world is against you, and yet people feel like they're not allowed to like raise their hand and be like, I'm great. Like, You have this formula, which I think is really beautiful and powerful, and I do too. And so much of it is based on the past and going, I did that, I know I can do this over here. Most people are terrified to acknowledge their greatness. How do you step into that? If I were sitting with you, let's go through this real quick 'cause as Coach Stormy, I think I'd be remiss not to ask this question. I'm sitting across from you; I hear your story. Stormy goes, yeah, I've got the formula. I did this. And I'm telling you, Stormy, I just don't believe in myself. How do I become like you? How do I do the thing that Stormy has done? How do I do the thing that Michael's done? I see you guys, but it doesn't seem like it's for me, but you have everything. What am I missing?

Stormy: So, the first thing that I would tell you, so we gotta understand like, man is maker of himself. Man is made and unmade by his daily choices and decisions. Like that's the number one thing that everybody in this world has to know. Man is maker of himself. Man is made and unmade by every choice and every decision that he has ever made. You are living in your imagination, Michael. Things happen three times in life. And I talked about this yesterday and I give it to the Unbroken Nation as a gift. And I want y'all to listen to this real slow thing happen. Three times in life, when you are a kid, you can't say this. This is not this. When you are a kid or if you're mentally challenged or if you have some disorders or some disabilities or some handicap, I get it. I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about able bodied men and women. We have to know, number one, everything happens in the mind first. Everything we see right now, somebody thought about it. You know, I love this stand, Michael, I did not think of this. I could have never thought of this. I knew I needed something like this, this goes in my purse. I could pull it out. It even come with a remote control. I never used it. I throw it back in my purse. It's done. Somebody thought of this in their imagination, they saw it number one. Number two, they did the work to create it. So they went through the manufacturers, they drew it out, they probably drew it out on a pencil and a paper, and they probably didn't know what, they just drew it. So, the second thing is they did the work. So, it happened the second time because they did it, and now it's done. So now we have it. But you know, when a person really experiences life, you know, do you know when this person gets the gratitude for this? Not just the money, the money is one thing, but what gives this person the gratitude is when he sees people using it. So, the reflection of the thing you thought about is the real glory, the real excitement is when you sit back and be like, damn, I'm really Michael. Even though I was hungry as a kid and I stole, even though I was abused or beaten and molested and abandoned and talking about, and I watched my mom do drugs. You be like, look at Michael, look at me or you become a bum and you'd be an alcoholic and you sit back and be like, damn, look at me. So, at the end of the day, you gotta know that that man is maker of himself. So I would tell this person, like, look at your life. You decided it. You went to that college. You dated that man. You dated that woman. You accepted that relationship. So, if you don't like it, guess what? Just visualize you are the story that you tell yourself. So, now what do you want your new story to be? That's why I'm big on meditation. I meditate every day, every day I live in my imagination. I'm thinking about what else do I want and what else do I want and what else do I want? And so, I would tell that person, work harder on yourself than you do anything else. And know that you make yourself and you could break yourself. So decide what is it gonna be? You're gonna make yourself or break yourself. And if you wanna choose to continue breaking yourself, that's a little bit above my pay grade. So you may need to go see your pastor or whoever you need to go see, but it's getting people to understand that, man, we got a choice. And it ain't easy. Like if you go back and you think about all the hard work that took you to become Michael, it wasn't easy, but I bet you, you happy you did it. I remember when I first met you, you are a different person that took a lot of work. First of all, your confidence, your facial expression like you own who you are now. And that when I first met you, it wasn't like that, you know why you're doing that? Because you know what, you know, and nobody can't challenge what Michael knows that he knows. And so, people gotta get to a place that if you don't like yourself, what books are you reading? What do you see for yourself? Listen, don't decide what life you're gonna have based upon the life you have right now like, nobody probably will believe what I tell them. I'm gonna be a billionaire, you know, I'm gonna build a subdivision. I'm gonna have my own airplane. I don't have the money for none of that right now. I don't know nothing about no subdivision beside how to live in one. I don't know nothing about no airplane beside how to get on one. But I guarantee you, because whatever you think about with deep emotion will suddenly appear. So,we gotta change our thoughts and we gotta be very careful because our thoughts could play tricks on us. So, it's about you getting in alignment with what is it that you really, really, really, really, really want, and allowing that imagination to run free.

Breathwork for Your Mental and Physical Health | with Alexis Alcalá

Michael: How did you forgive yourself? Like what did that process look like? What were the things that you had to do to forgive yourself within the space of like acknowledging and accepting?

Alexis: I think first of all, understanding that when I did something wrong or I heard some people in the past it was not because I was a mean person. It was because I used the tools that I had in that moment. I used the wisdom, the knowledge that I had in that moment, and I had to make the decision. And maybe this decision was what hurt them. So, it's first accepting that I was not trying to be mean. I just try to do my best or I try to find love sometimes, you know, sometimes, the alcoholic is not someone that just want to drink alcohol just for fun, it's just because they want to hide a lot of pain, they want to hide trauma, they want to hide some stuff inside, and it's because they just want to disassociate for a few hours and they just want you feel peace and they want you be happy for a few hours and they feel so much pain. So, first of all, understanding that the purpose was not to be mean. And secondly is with time, with time, I think I can forgive, I can forgive myself and accepting who I am, accepting my shadows is, was the way for me to forgive myself. I still feel like I need to forgive more areas of myself, and this is still a journey and probably I will continue this journey for the rest of my life. But breathwork was something that really helped me to connect because in breathwork, nomine is, do you feel like, you feel a transpersonal experience, you feel like connected to everyone? Do you feel like connected to everything? In some point during breath work you can feel like, your part of everything and you are not like a singular person and you are not alone. So, this is really helpful to you realize that, hey, I'm not alone. I'm part of something bigger, so I can forgive also other people. And this is part of the collective pain, and we have also limited tools and also trying to see beyond the people, beyond the physical person, this is something I also learned in Tantra, is something that we go, we call transfiguration stand something like to see the sacredness of the other person. So, trying to see that be behind there is something like, wishes, decis of being loved, for example.

So, I would say that also, for me forgiveness was something as well that it took me some time and some breath box sessions to really reach that point of forgiveness and I think it's not so easy. I think also sometimes who focus so much on forgiving that is not about the act of just forgiving not on, because sometimes we just focus on forgiving and we stay on a superficial layer and very easily what they find in like more cognitive therapy is that sometimes, or what they find in coaching is sometimes is with the mind we try to feel things or to forgive people or to accept people or to feel compassion in a way that where we use only the mind and I think also using the body is very important. So, you know, the connection of mind, body, and soul. So if you feel like, for example, have the trauma or if you feel like you feel the trauma in your body because of, for example, your parents and you push yourself to forgive them. So, this not going to happen. So, you still feel the blockages in your body. So, you need to work with your body in order, you need to work with your body and also with your mind. So probably was important for me as well is to work with my body, it's to release from my body because when I started to do all these activities, I felt like I was completely blocked. I was sometimes not able to dance, not able to move. I felt like, I had a huge armor in my heart. I was not able to really love, I was not able to become vulnerable or to talk about deep things with other people. So, for me, it was also important to release all this stuff that I was having in my body that was blocking my body all the time.

Michael: And those releases can be really beautiful, but also very uncomfortable, and it can evoke a lot of emotion. Sometimes those emotions are anger, right? Sometimes it's sadness or grief or loss, sometimes it's also joy. Like I've had those breath work sessions where I'm just like laughing I'm like, what the f*ck am I laughing for? You know what I mean? And so, there's something about the physical embodiment that we have as a spiritual being is so much about letting things exist as they are. And we fight so desperately, I don't know if you've done this too, but it was like, I used to fight so desperately to be angry. I was like, I want to be mad cuz f*ck the world. And it was like I would fight so desperately to be right because of my ego and I'd fight so desperately to have all of these things in the world that I thought were he happiness, because that would make it feel better. And what I discovered and still what I'm discovering, ‘cuz like you man, I think I'm always gonna be on this journey, right? Even though I am 13 years into it and I've coached all these people and we have this podcast, dude, I still have a therapist, I still have a coach. I still go to retreats. I'm still always going deeper because there's so many levels. And I believe this, and I know it sounds weird to people who don't understand it yet, but there's a quantum healing that happens genetically and energetically both of our past and of our future when we show up and when we do this work because you're effectively changing timelines. You are changing and ending the generational trauma that you've been through, but it's so uncomfortable. Right. And I want to go into this for a second because, you know, I think there are people who believe that they're never going to be healed. I think there are people who believe that even if they join our programs and they come into our coaching and they may even listen to this podcast all the time, they still believe that healing and love and compassion and joy are not for them, and they're just trapped in stuckness. My theory on this is that they're trapped in that place ‘cuz they have not yet learned how to regulate their body. And I know that you and I are very good at this because it's become a part of our daily practices. And I want you to talk about like how you actually regulate your body, how you get your brain and body and soul connected because I believe that it is that connection in which you find healing. 

Alexis: Yeah, I think regulating the nervous system is very important and it makes really the big difference for me using the breath is the most powerful tool so, I spend like two minutes, three minutes doing connected breathing through the nose. And then for me, I feel like very grounded, very center so very easily, sometimes when I'm teaching to you people who are going to become facilitators and sometimes, I explain to them that, Hey, you don't really need to run one hour session for your client or for someone to help them. You can just do one, two minutes, or breathing of connected breathing and people can already feel centered, they can feel grounded, they can feel, if you feel stress within anxiety cetera. If you having a bad moment, you can really feel more center. So just breathing through the nose in a connected way for one, two minutes, like not making pauses between inhalation and exhalation. Exhalation and inhalation. Closing your eyes, maybe sitting up. Maybe sitting down in any position. And connecting to your breath, filling your breath, bringing your breath to your belly, expanding your belly. So this is really a really great, great regulation tool for me. So, this works really well before any workshop because I teach very often online or in retreats, in workshops.

So, before I start any activity, I regulate myself because okay, it's a new activity, so I'm nervous, so I am very excited. So, I need to be center, and it takes a couple of minutes really to feel centered. So, using the breath is a great tool for me. Of course, meditation, mindfulness can also be helpful, but for me, the most powerful tool is to breathe.