Stefan Stefansson - How to Love Yourself | Mental Health Coach

Michael: Hey! What's up, Unbroken nation. Hope that you're doing well wherever you are in the world today. I'm very excited to be back with you with another episode with my guest Stefan Stefansson, who is a Men's Relationship Coach, and I've been very much looking forward to this conversation personally. What is up my friend? How are you today?

Stefan: I'm really, really good, except I'm really boiling. I'm sitting in London; we are London, UK is not geared for high temperatures. And we have had like, not that it's very hot for you guys probably in eighties, nineties, it's like 35 degrees Celsius and we are struggling over here. I'm good part from that. I mean, from my spent hot weather doesn't work for me.

Michael: Yeah. You know, it's funny. I was thinking about that. I was like, man, you know, your body just is not built for that, but you know what? Like, everything in life we adapt. Right. We create change. We figure out how to continue to persevere hot weather or not. Before we get in this conversation, which we're gonna talk about some really incredible topics today, tell us a little bit about your background and kind of your journey to where you are today.

Stefan: Yeah, absolutely. So, my background in journey, which kind allowed me to this actually conversation is that I have had some kind of broken relationships and had some, not so much kind of focus on myself as I went through it. And what I found what this journey kind of led me to is that I have two very long relationship behind me. One broken marriage as I went through them, I didn't really realize what I was actually missing or what I was doing wrong and a lot of the times. So, after my divorce, after being with that person for about six years, I started to do a lot of self-reflection and trying to understand, and like I'm coming from a very stable background. So, it was quite of a shock to me, when my marriage kind of failed and I tried everything that I thought possible to try trying to retrieve it and kind of a save it. And then as I went down this journey o kind of self-help books, self-discovery, I tried everything like text to bed, things that you could find of how to try to save your marriage. And I said, as I went through that, I started to realize how I am as a person hadn't really grown and how I kind of started seeing patterns in my own behavior that led to kind of failing. But as well, like the text two, obviously for things not to work out. So, as I went through this, I always remembered having very much wanted to improve myself, it's always been one of my things for myself I always wanted to improve. So, I put lot effort into that and then as that kind of progressed, obviously kind of saw other people in the cinema situations. And a lot of the times I kind of find myself a lot of times people when I'm going to a party, kinda ask about what background and I'm quite open about what my situation is.

People open up to me as well so I felt this is something I could share with other people specifically I think later of this has to do with men are not always very good in relationships and there are certain patterns that men do that lead down to a road of that things cannot go very well. So, I kind of started reflecting on that and then, somebody suggested to me, maybe you should look into going on the coaching path, assigned to up to a coaching course where it was like a year coaching coach auto that I got a certificate outta the international coaching. So, it was one of those kinds of certifications and out of that, as we went through that, we had to pick a niche that was actually resonated with for coaching. And then for me, as I was starting to think about more and more thinking of the journey I went through my relationships and how I kind of didn't really realize the kind of the failure were doing or where I was not attentive enough or not focused enough that they kind of are hemmed into this kind of focus of wanting to help other men knowing my own experience and kind of knowing what can potentially help you to be better person in more whole individual and a more present person in the relationships. And that's kind of what got me to hear is, want to share my story and hopefully see if that resonates with other people and I can help for people.

Michael: Yeah, I love that. And I think so frequently for us, this journey is about turning our pain into purpose, is about taking those aspects of our life that for many people look, I think to be honest, and especially as men, you know, our understanding of what it means to be a man is often very askew from reality. Right? It's work hard, make a lot of money, have a great car, you know, be super fit, but don't be emotional, don't cry, you know, go chop fucking wood in the backyard on Saturdays. And it's like, yeah, but that's not the whole story, that can't be the whole story. What were the insights that you had in terms of yourself as you were going through this to realize like there's something here that doesn't actually make sense with how I was raised or how I grew up or these ideas that I had about manhood versus what I think it actually should be?

Stefan: For me, there was kind of two things that got, so I have two long relations behind me and obviously some shorter ones, but two long ones would look six years. And I come from a very secure background where my parents met, they were at school and when they're in the late teens, early twenties got married around that time, still married today, they're in the eighties today. So, I don't really remember them arguing much except now in the later years when they're getting on another nerves, because they're getting older. And all the friendships around there was very secure. So, my perception of a happy relationship was being there for the person and just stick it through and get to an end. So, I had some issues as well when I was growing up, I had some self-doubts and my self-esteem was very, very low. So, when I got into my first relationship, I was in a place where oh, somebody wanted to be with me, so was like, wow, that was awesome. So, I wasn't really focusing was very naive and it comes to what you said before, it's like, that was very superficial. It's like I have somebody, like, I wasn't really thinking what I wanted out of the relationship. I didn't really have a view I just wanted to be in a relationship. And then as that went through, I didn't really understand what it was and I was very naive and I wasn't really present and I wasn't really paying attention so that came to an end because I wasn't really planning ahead. I wasn't really thinking, are we getting married or anything like that and the person I'm with, for some reason, she wasn't really bringing it up either. But I think it was more of my side is that like what a fine with lot of man, is that they're not really thinking, what are they want to alter the relationship. As you mentioned before, they want to be able to earn the money, they want to be able to provide for the family, they want to have good lifestyle, the car, the house, and so forth. But what are you actually really want outta the relationship? What is the relationship before? And then my second relationship was the total opposite. I was so focused on thinking now it's gonna get married. I know I need to sacrifice myself into this relationship and to please the other person and make sure that other person was happy. So, I lost myself from the other side, so I kind of flipped the coin totally from being totally heaven off to overly bearing and like wanted to do everything, wanted to save everything and be there for the person. And so, that was not helpful in either of those situations. So, in my mind, I think a lot of this time, why you need to invest. It's the strongest thing when you, you, as an individual need to invest in, is that what you want out of the situation you're in. And I think we don't do enough self-reflection on that particular point of you.

Michael: Do you think that is because now obviously in the framework of men, but I think, and people in general, why do you think people are not stating what they want or what they need out of relationship? Is it fear? Is it maybe they're scared of the potential of success like, what is it that you think is keeping people from being able to have the kind of relationship that they want to have?

Stefan: So, if you talk about the both sexes, I think that's the fear of rejection or fear of turned down, it's like an individual story would be like everybody has come through, especially men, maybe it happened to me. So, it wasn't San Francisco when kind of a single times I would go in a bar, travel quite a bit from a work. So, I would like, always when I travel to always make a point of not just staying in the hotel, going out, having a dinner and maybe having a drink. And then there's one typical leaving I'm in a bar in San Francisco and nursing my drink and this lady comes in and sit next to me and she looks very approachable kind of want to strike up a conversation and I kind of started that whole self-thought I should I do it now? I should do it now. Then I finally get up the courage and asking her, and she says, blatantly, no. I was like, whoa, and that kind of totally kind of knocked the wind out of myself shortly after like crawl out that bar like rejected and like, what's wrong with me, like was landing in my teeth or all that kind of a like horrible self-doubt comes in, flowing in such a huge focus is that a lot of that time, people are so scared of that rejection or opening themselves up to vulnerability that they always think of the worst thing. And they always projected on themselves, it's like, there must be something wrong with me. In this case, this lady could be she was waiting for somebody or she would have wasn't really in that mood to talk to anybody. So, it's more, I think one of those focuses just don't always make it about yourself, it's like when you always like, tend to compare this with treat yourself as your best friend. So, let's just, your friend is doing something awesome and he comes up to you and says, how was I? You would never say to him, if you're a true friend, you are horrible. You should never do that again. You wouldn't you always try to back him up and always say something nice to him. And I think a lot of the time we need to focus on that ourself, it can't be so hard on ourselves all the time. And I think for men as well, going down to the men specific focus is that we are very afraid of opening self ourselves up to any intimacy because again, it comes out, we are not masculine enough, we are weak, see look down on me and I don't want to so we kind of pretend to put up a shield of everything's okay.

Michael: How do you step into intimacy while still remaining masculine for whatever that means for you? And obviously masculinity is gonna be different for everybody, everyone has their own definition, but how do you, instead of having that feeling like if I'm intimate, people will look down on me and I won't be strong and I'll be emasculated. How do you do both? How can you be a man in the way that you choose and want to be a man, but also be intimate and have that thing that you're seeking?

Stefan: I think a couple of things in my mind, at least so one is had opinion in a relationship. So, if somebody asks you a question, have opinion on that question, but you can say, that's my opinion, we can decide. Like men tend to do quite a lot is the woman says let's go out on a date, let's go somewhere, where should we go? And you're saying, and the man will say whatever you want there thinking by doing that, we are pleasing her, allowing her to choose. But sometimes they want you to be present and make a decision or have at least opinion of what they should be doing. So, I think that's very important. The other thing as well, and it comes as well, knowing what you want out of it because if you don't know what you want out of it, then you don't really have opinion on what your relationship should look like. And I think those two things are very important from a masculinity perspective, is that knowing what you want, have an opinion on things that people want you to do, and then to express those opinions and those wants and needs because you can be very masculine and then do everything as like, as you call chop the wood and make the money and all that kind of thing, but that's just very small part of being a whole, a masculine or I prefer to kind of focus it on as like a high value man or maybe not the right word, like a gentleman, that's how I always brought up. And it's not always about opening the door or things like that, but it's still offering now women as well now wanna be treated equal and all that kind of thing. But I think in everyone wants something to be treated nicely, like somebody that does something for you, it doesn't mean that like you're being made any less valued, but it's just a people show up. I think it's the kind of the main focus, I think.

Michael: Yeah. As part of that, having the willingness to face the fear of rejection, to be able to state what you need, because you know, I go and I look back at relationships I've had in the past and like you on both sides, I've been this person who I did everything the other person needed and then on the other side, I did nothing that the other person needed. And so, you know, you learn on both side of these spectrums. How do you kind of navigate being able to get your needs and meet the needs of the partner or the people that you're with.

Stefan: I think that comes down to very strong communication or not strong, but like open communication because I think as well, I found this video the other day and I think it's been around for very long time, it's called, it's not about the nail. And it's basically this couple sitting on the sofa and the girl has a nail coming out of her head and just describing all these headaches and this pain and the guy is all about, yeah, just take out the nail, we'll fix this, everything. And we, as men are very solution orientated, that's just how we function. We are very, just going fix it. It's on over. But sometimes in lot of those cases, it's just sitting there listening and not always come up with the solutions. I think it comes down to just being present like a lot of people are focusing on is that you need to be able to an active listening to the other person and let the other person finish because I think the other thing with communication, we tend to, and this comes back to the whole fear rejection. We are very quick wanting to defend ourselves and then we talk over the other person and then that escalates into really, really, just not slinging, whatever can happen out out that. But if you sometimes misunderstanding as well, if you don't like let the other person finish because we are not masters in communication, a lot of people. And sometimes it just, we need to let the other kind of other person try to express themselves without the fear of being kind of a bullet or kind of talk down to, or just so that person knows that they're in a safe space and can actually finish the conversation and have an open conversation of what they're actually trying to achieve or want out of their relationships. I think it's quite important.

Michael: Yeah. And I love what you said about not being defensive, right? Because I think innately, I think anytime that as human beings, we're in communication with each other and there's anything that might bring awareness to an inconsistency or a flaw, or however you wanna phrase it, like we throw up these giant walls. And, you know, sometimes I think that those very things that the people around us are mirroring back to us, they're doing that, not to hurt us, not to insult us, but instead to say, Hey, like, are you actually paying attention to this thing over here? And it's really easy to be defensive about that. Are there other communication tools that you think people need to be utilizing other than I don't even wanna say waiting your turn, but just sitting in silence and allowing the other person to express their needs? Are there other communication tools that we should be considering when we're having back and forth with people in these intimate conversations? 

Stefan: I think as, like everybody talks about like, when there's something bothering you, everybody talks about using the “I” like, I feel that you are not listening to me. I feel we're always doing what you are doing. So, it makes the statement that way that you are always doing this. You are always doing that. So, it's not an attacking that person I think it's very important. And then the other thing is kind of a being acknowledge of what the other person is saying. So sometimes the other other tool that people talk about is, kind of showing acceptance or reiterate what they just said. So, you actually mean that, that we are not doing so, the other person can understand that you were actually listening and you actually understood what the problem is. But I think a lot of this times, I think you need to find a way of being kind of a present in the conversation. And as well, I think know what you want out of it in regards to where the end point is so you're not just having an argument and with, and then leaving it. So, actually to kind of figuring out a way to kind of achieve the end goal or what the situation is supposed to be. And I think what I find as well in my current relationship is that now that I've kind of done well, reflection, I find more what I'm feeling now is that I'm much more aware when there is frustration going on between me and my fiancé is that sometimes we've started an argument or not making argument or discussion, but then the discussion is actually not about what we are talking about. It's something other underlying thing and I getting more understood of understanding that now, but it's not easy, to have that kind of a patience to listen through what is actually being said, and maybe turn in to pick up on a little kind of little nuances that the kind of the conversation starts around because I find some at least in my situation is that conversation start on something, but then the whole conversation is about something totally different, but that doesn't come till that other person is comfortable enough to trust you what actually he wants to talk about.

Michael: Yeah. And I think that part's successively difficult, right? Because as men, and especially if you're being defensive in communication, that leads to outbursts, that leads to having freak out moments, self-sabotaging behavior, you know, a lot of that is based on the trauma experiences in communication from our youth. And, you know, even in this conversation with you, I'm thinking to myself, I remember so many times having conversations with partners over the years where it's like, there's a giant argument about nothing. And you're like, wait a second, like, what is actually going on here? How do you get deeper into creating that space where both your partner and yourself have the ability to have vulnerability, to have the conversation about what is actually happening?

Stefan: So, I wanna come back to it. The other thing I just wanna touch as well, what I found as well with my previous relationship is this self-sabotaging aspect where you kind of set up kind of the scene that, because men can be very good at making sure the relationship end because they don't know how to end the relationship. So, you stop texting straight away, you keep changing your mind the last minute, things like that, so I think with that, it's very important as well. Again, you know what you want outta the relationship and you need to communicate what you want in the beginning. I think the more open you are about your communication in the beginning on a relationship, you get what you want outta relationship coming back to what your question was is, it's about the trust of when you express what you want out of the relationship that, you know, the person that you're talking to is actually listening to what you're saying. And then at the same time, the other way around then when that person is kind of communicating it's about having that trusted, secure environment that both parties feel they can actually have a conversation without the other person installing well, the room or jumping over the kind of on top of their words every time. And I think it comes a lot of the time is because somebody's just so, afraid or that self-esteem is so low that they take it very personally so, they need to defend themselves right away. It's almost like kind of that saying of not never back somebody into a corner because they will come out fighting. Right. And it's about not making the other person feel that they have been backed into a corner than the need to come out, fighting. It's about that you are in an open space and you open communication, and then you have that trust and the respect. And I think it comes very strongly about the respect with that other person, that the other person can actually communicate for themselves. I think that like, that's very important when it comes to communication that the both people feel respected.

Michael: Yeah. And I think that creates a parameter of safety so that when inevitably you have difficult conversations, which will happen, you know, I think it's funny that because of probably movies and music and things of this nature, we think all of its happy and, you know, roses and sunshine all the time, but it's just not we're humans. And I think that you're spot on, like, you have to create that space to have that, that safe and powerful communication. You know, you talked about really important how it is to at the beginning to talk about what you want and expectations, is it as simple as talking, should people be writing like agreements and contracts, should this be in writing? Like, how do you make this solidified?

Stefan: That's the thing. There's no silver bullet in any of this. But the strongest thing is for me and my focus with when I'm gonna helping the men that I talk to is about making yourself, focus on yourself, making yourself a whole person and making yourself a strong, self-assured person that can, is comfortable in their own skin. In regards to, if you're not comfortable and you are not happy, if you not have a goal, what you wanna achieve, nobody's gonna do that for you. And this shouldn't be anybody else's focus to do so. As a partners, yeah, you will strive and you will have goals together, but at the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself. Nobody else. And if you don't kind of if you put all this effort to look, have the six packs and looking good, why should you not be doing the same thing of looking good and being healthy on the inside from the mental side of things. And I see much more a quite a lot of talk in UK at the moment of men and going too far and taking their own lives is that I think a lot of us as men, are we getting very confused at the moment in regards to the movement. And so, and I'm all for, and it is very strong, but at the same time, men need to focus on themselves and be respectful and show up as a respectful individual in a society that it's actually happy to be around himself. And I think that that's kind of a comes down to your individual that you need to be a whole in individual.

Michael: Yeah. And the same thing is happening in the states too. I mean, the especially post COVID, I mean, if we're even post COVID, I don't even know where we're at anymore, but the reality that suicide rate is higher than it's ever been people in the military, they're not even reporting the suicide rates anymore, because they're so astronomically high, you know, social media is playing this terrible, terrible influence in our lives. People are consuming more media, they're spending more time, just distracted from reality and which I get it, man. I mean, it's like, holy crap, life is really weird right now. And I think that having conversations like this, hopefully will help give men many, many more tools and understanding and hopefully knowing like you're not alone. Like we go through this too. You know, it's funny people will look at, you know, people who are now coaches and they'll be like, yeah, but what do you really know what have you been through? And it's like, yeah, but you're on the backside of your own struggles, your own experiences. For those listening who have struggled with mental health, who have self-sabotaged, who have faced, you know, massive fear and intimacy and connection. And they want to be this high value, man, they want to be a man who most importantly, like loves themself first, because you cannot be filled up by other people that will never happen. What are some things that men can be doing today? Like literally starting right now to step into that place of being a man of value for themselves first?

Stefan: First, I think the first and the foremost is to give yourself a break, allow yourself that not everything has to be perfect. And I think as well, it's focusing, there's a term called the spotlight effect and then we all fall into this. If you ever remember going, walking down the street and across the street, you notice somebody's waving at you. And you kind of, I never seen this person, well, you start to look around and you don't know and then this person starts walking towards you and you was kind of, they must be known you, you put your hand up, but then this person walks past you and you don't like you are like, oh shit, everybody saw me and I look like a fool, but in the reality, most likely, nobody noticed, but you're just so focused on everybody's looking at me. It's like when you go into a night club and you stand in the middle of a dance floor, say everybody's looking at me. And it is that kind of focus that sometimes are just so worried about what other people are thinking that we don't really realize they have their own struggles, they're not really just focusing on you. And it's about being able to manage that expectation of it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be a little foolish now and then. The world is not gonna end, what is the worst thing that come out of it? Okay. Your feelings got hurt for like a minute, and then you fine. And for me, it’s being able to just staff back from that situation, give it a breath and it's never as bad as it is. And there is always a silver lining because I remember when I went through my divorce and as I mentioned before my role model as a married from marriage was my parents and I've been married almost 60 years; 60 years next year. So, it was a devastating for me that I was getting divorce and, in my mind, the marriage wasn't that horrible. So, I was distraught, I just couldn't believe this was happening to me and then I just gave myself a little break and then kind of came a little bit start to talk to my friends and family as I went through this and they were kind of pointing out to me, maybe the marriage wasn't that great, there was problems here and there. And then I started, as I said, stepped back and started looking for the silver lining and I think that's one of my deepest kind of a realization out of going through my very was even if the things are so bad, there's always something positive about it. And now in hindsight, I'm actually getting married next week to found a new amazing person and it's six years plus minus that has got divorced. And I can't wait to get married again. And it's just having that focus of not always beating yourself up and just step back, give yourself a breather, you don't always have to be that perfect person and just be that vulnerability. And as well, I mean, a lot of people say like, I jokingly have a favorite term, sometimes I say, just suck it up, but suck it up doesn't really help you. And it's about finding either work on yourself also as well, as very important, you take responsibility and stop blaming other people for whatever happened because it takes two. And if you do not take responsibility, what the situation is in, it will not lead you into anything to learn from, you won't see that silver lining and you won't learn from it because in my mind is that there's always experience that you can learn from, because I feel like what I learn something the best is when I fail. And so, we shouldn't be afraid of failure and I think our society is very focused on creating champions that aren't really champion. Like, like people was talking about like when you have kids and everybody gets a medal. Okay. I mean, that's nice, but it doesn't really give you a true affection of what the life is about and it's okay to have a little bit of a competitiveness, but at the same time, it is okay to fail because if you don't fail, you don't improve. And so, for me, it's about taking responsibility and be okay with educational embarrassment moment that just move on. Don't dwell on it. 

Michael: And like you said, nobody's watching anyway, right? And I think that's one of the really important things and to not beat yourself up about it and to not belittle yourself and put yourself down, because I don't know anyone who doesn't make mistakes. I don't know anyone who doesn't fail. I don't know anyone on planet earth who has not had a moment where they're like, why did I just fucking do that? Right? Like we all have that. And it's like grace and compassion are a couple of the really, really difficult things that men step into. I know in my journey, I tell people all the time, singularly, the most difficult thing I've ever done is to learn to love myself, period, there's nothing more difficult. And I think that if I know that if you're able to step into that, recognizing the biological and biochemical responses happening in your brain and this different stimulus, you're going to be able to get there. And it's just natural that on a long enough timeline, if you're showing up and you're executing and you're following through your life will be different. And there are silver linings, I know it's hard to like, think about that, right? Cuz you're like, my life is a freaking disaster. I'm in a divorce. My partner packed up and left and then it's like, I hate to use this cliché but time does heal all wounds. And the thing is you have to be willing to grief and suffer and be like, yeah, these sucks and not run from it, not stuff it down. And I think the biggest part of that as individuals is learning to be vulnerable with yourself. And so, my hope is that the men listening and anyone listening to this today will come to this realization like it's okay. Right. I mean, yeah, it sucks, but like you're not dead. And so, that means that you still have opportunity in front of you.

Stefan: Absolutely agree. I couldn't agree more because it's like the other fame saying you are your worst enemy. And as I said before, would you ever step go up to your friend after he's done something amazing say that was horrible? Should never do that again. You wouldn't do that to your best friend. So why are you doing to yourself? So, like, I do understand and you kind of touched on it a little bit earlier on the social media side of things and it’s that instant gratification. We live in a society now that we are just so focused on. The Johnsons next door just went on a holiday or bought a boat or got this amazing car or whatever it was that we put ourselves such an always comparing ourselves to something else and not just enjoy the moment that we have now and be in the moment. I think we are losing that considerably with always being chasing the Joneses on Instagram or whatever that is, comparing ourselves to somebody else. Just to look at yourself and like things are okay and things will be okay. And the other thing as well, when you have those small victories, you should always celebrate the small victories. Big, big, big victories take care of themselves, like somebody, I read somewhere just to focus on doing one good thing a day that you can say at the end of the night, when you put your head on the pillow, went to bed, I made my bed perfectly, that's the one thing was good that day if nothing else just focus on something, one good thing that you do day, whatever that is. And then you build on it and you're gonna kind slowly, slowly and I think as you mentioned is that we are just so good at being bad to ourselves. And it's all about self-pity and we kind of like this person doesn't like me because that, and then, but just trying to stop being that negative communication in your head when you catch yourself doing it. And I think what I found as well, when I went into that self-realization of myself for myself, is that more I did it, the more I was able to pick up those situations when I was being hard on myself? And what would I do then is that I would either like, try to go for a walk or read the book, something like that, because you need to just occupy your brain with something else, watching at something on television, it doesn't work as well because reading, I felt I had to focus on the little letters on the page. So, I kind of cut myself out of that thinking quite a bit. And then like other people talk obviously about meditation is very strong if you can focus on that and get into it. I think that's another thing that's a very, very, very strong.

Michael: Yeah, I agree. And I think a lot of these tools you bring into your life, some will work, some will not. But it's about finding out what works for you and changing the narrative and the self-talk. I'm such a proponent of that, that's the difference between success and failure in life and my opinion. Stefan my friend, this conversation has been absolutely amazing, before I ask you my last question, can you please tell everyone where they can find you?

Stefan: Yeah. So, you can find me on Instagram and Facebook onto High Value Man. And on my website, highvalueman.is

Michael: Brilliantly. And of course, we'll put the links in the show notes for the audience. My last question for you, my friend, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

Stefan: What means to be unbroken is to be a person that shows up. The person that has opinion and knows what he wants outta life. So, when I went on my journey did this realization. I kind of read a lot of books and all that kind thing, but the end of the day for me is about showing up and knowing what you want out of the situation and be respectful about that, it's not about being arrogant about, I want this or something like that, it's about just being a whole human being that shows up in society and it's somebody you wanna be around with.

Michael: Yeah. I love that. It's about owning your truth and showing up my friend. Thank you so much for being here.

Unbroken Nation. Thank you for listening.

Please like, subscribe, comment, share.

Tell a friend.

And Until Next Time.

My friends, Be Unbroken.

I'll see you.