The Secrets of a Heart Healer in Healing Childhood Trauma | with Victoria Finch

Michael: Victoria Finch, welcome to the podcast. How are you, my friend?

Victoria: I'm well, thank you so much for having me.

Michael: I'm actually having you for a second time, so you and I had the pleasure of sitting down and having a conversation and for whatever reason, the podcast, God's deemed that we will have to record another one. So it's an honor to have you back your story and the conversation that we had really touched me. And I know that it's something that's going to be tremendously beneficial to this audience, and that's why I felt it massively important that we. Make sure that we make this happen. So that said, for those who don't know you, your story, your background, and why you have such an impact on me, tell us a little bit about the childhood that you had that has shaped you into the person you are today.

Victoria: Oh, yes. It's interesting with. My childhood, as I think back on it, because a lot of times we think to be traumatized or to have low self esteem or to not feel worthy or not enough. We sometimes think that we have to have had a really bad trauma happened to us. Maybe we were raised by, parents who are not mature, maybe we lived with narcissists or drug addictions or whatever, and it feels like that really hurts our self esteem, which it doesn't. My story is a little different. I actually grew up in a loving household. And even though I did, I never felt loved. I was the youngest of six children, I felt like I was put on whoever would accept me. No one really wanted me because I was the baby, and I didn't have anything of my own, I didn't have a room, I didn't have a crib, everything I had was handed down to me. And I would go with whoever would take me, and when you have siblings that are too. 11, 5, 10 years older. They don't want to be stuck with the baby, and that's when I started feeling unloved and unwanted when I was about 2 years old, I had an incident where my parents would ask me to get out of their room and I left their room and I went to my sister's room and they told me to get out, I'm 2 years old, I'm in diapers, I'm barely talking, I had a speech impediment growing up and I left my sister's room and I went to my brother's room and when I went to my brother's room, they said the same thing, get out. Imagine being a 2 year old child, not feeling wanted, that was my first moment of feeling unloved and unwanted. My little two year old brain didn't know what to do, so I went and sat by my parents door, and that little girl sat by her parents door, feeling unloved, unwanted, and not enough for over 50 years. Five decades that little girl sat by her parents door.

Michael: Yeah, and that's one of those things where you look at it and it is and I try to teach this to people constantly one moment all it takes to shape your entire life, even though I'm sure there were other things that happen, being in a house with 6 kids and parents and all the chaos of our lives. There are other things that certainly transpire. But it's often just that one singular thing that, you look at it, you go, 50 years later, here I am, that little girl still sitting by the door.

Victoria: Yes.

Michael: And I can't help but believe that it must just have affected all elements of your life.

Victoria: Oh, absolutely. Relationships. I slept around a lot, who wanted me? I wasn't good for anything. I became a people pleaser, I would do anything to the fact to where at starting at age five, I was molested, and at age 5, being molested by a relative, I wanted to please so badly, I did not know that this was wrong, I didn't know the monster this man truly was, and I had to live with that, I had to live with finding relationships where the men were not commento. Again, who would want me? I became very bossy. I felt like I had to control everything because if I didn't control it, then I'm going to be left again, sitting by that door in my work. It was, no one's going to treat me bad. And so I always had these defenses up, I've got tons of certifications. I was a high achiever. I always felt not enough. All the certifications stuck in drawers. They didn't matter, I'm a master hypnotherapist, I'm a master practitioner of holistic medicine, but none of that meant anything, because all that was, seeking outside validation, I didn't know how to love myself.

Michael: Yeah, I get it. As a high performer myself, hell, I was on a billboard in Times Square twice last year, I know what it takes and I know what it feels like that no matter the amount of success that you have, the gap in your heart isn't filled. And we put ourselves in this position where we strive and we strive for, acknowledgement for compassion, for empathy, for sympathy, for being seen. And what's really interesting is you don't ever get it from an external source, no matter what I've ever done, I've never felt. Full from an outside party or any amount of money or any number of people I've slept with or the accolades that come along with being a semi public figure And I think what's really interesting is when you look at the dynamic of just our human experiences We've been lied to societally and told to go and produce and create and build and go 100 miles an hour. And that's how you're going to find happiness, it's if you don't have a G-wagon, are you even a person? And I think that, as well as I do that's just not reality. It's not talked about click, go ahead…

Victoria: And I want to speak to what you said about being on the billboard on Times Square and all of your accolades and being a public figure and all of that. Sometimes there's guilt that comes along with that. I don't know how many times I felt guilty because I'm like, oh, I got to get life, my kids are good. I've got this and I got that, who am I to feel bad? Who am I to be sad? I should be grateful, and then we push down those feelings of not being enough and not being unwanted because we think that we should be happy. And I think that is the greatest travesty to society.

Michael: Yeah, happiness is fleeting. And, it's funny because anytime I've done anything, I take a step back and 30 seconds later I'm like, okay, and that is just my nature. I think a lot of people who are high performers and high achievers They relate to it I have a tremendous amount of gratitude for the journey, it's interesting just the other day I was in my truck and I was driving, I'm here in Las Vegas I'm driving and dropping a friend off at the strip and I was just like man. My life is so good to go from stealing food to survive and straight Fs and getting kicked out of high school and death and murder in my life to where I'm at now, it's like this beautiful experience, but the work. The work had to be done and one of the things I think that's so hard right now is, you talk about relationships and being a people pleaser, probably codependent, like being self sabotage, all of the things, it's like we, we have got to figure out the framework as individuals because it's different for everybody. Some people come into coaching with me and their life is totally different. And some people come in and they're like, it doesn't click. And you have to be able to go find the person that serves you. What I'm always wondering for people is now you're on this other side and we can go back in and we'll loop back to the beginning. But what started the journey for you? Where did you land where you're like, okay, wait a second, something's off here, another bad relationship, another career that's not going right, another certification in the drawer. What shifted for you?

Victoria: In 2017, I had hit a really bad depression. I had been in and out of anxiety and depression for the better part of 30 years at that time. Go to the doctor, they said, oh, it's another breakup, take a pill for 6 months, you'll be okay. Oh, you had a child, it's postpartum take a pill, you'll be okay. And I did that for 30 years and then in 2017, I'm sitting on the side of my bed not caring if I was gonna wake up the next day. So I had gotten so used to having a fake mask. I was always happy and always smiling, and nobody ever knew the pain I had on the inside. The feelings of not being enough and unwanted, and the pills are sitting on my bedside table, the antidepressants, and I get ready to take them. And my kids, they're telling jokes, I could hear them, they're laughing, but I could find no joy in that moment, I could find no joy, and I had been struggling for so long to be happy, but I couldn't find it. I got the pills and I unscrewed them at the top. And as I poured them in my hand, it was like it wasn't even me, it wasn't me at that time, it didn't feel like me, I shook them in my hand, and as I get ready to take them, I hear a voice. And I say it's the voice of the divine that I call God, that said, I made you on purpose for a purpose, and this is not it, and I knew at that moment I had a heart issue, I had a heart issue and until I could rectify it, until I can make peace with myself, until I could forgive myself, and it's an interesting thing when you're molested. Somehow you think that's your fault. When you're in relationships that don't work, somehow you think that's your fault, everything that happened was always my fault, and it just piled and piled, I got up, I poured those pills out. Now, this is something that's interesting. When you start to seek healing that happens, the divine, I call God, we'll start bringing people and things into your life. The universe, whatever you want to call it happened to me on YouTube came across a hypnotist who was giving a who was giving lessons and I went and I did it and I was able to go back to that time and make peace with that little girl and I knew. That if I'm a high achiever and I feel this way, and there are times when I feel I shouldn't feel this way, how many other people are there? And I knew at that time I was given the mission, my purpose to heal the world one heart at a time. And I became the heart healer.

Michael: Yeah. And that's really beautiful, right? Because you, as someone who has been on the edge of suicide myself, and no, many people have taken their own lives over the years. Sometimes, whether it's divine intervention or that voice or whatever comes to you, if you're willing to just listen, everything can be different. And, there's something to be said, I think about how incredible it is that life can actually be joyful and fulfilling and satisfactory. And I think there's a lot, right? Because having going through these tremendous experiences of pain, of suffering, of hurt, of loss, of abandonment, neglect, molestation, like you named the list. Nobody, I always say this, nobody comes through childhood unscathed. It's not a thing. But, and then you add on that your zip code is a greater indicator of success in life than almost literally anything. And so you come from this place where you're, the deck is stacked against you and it's hopeless and it's dark and yet, and this is my experience, sounds like yours and many other people who are willing to walk through this path, like it, isn't always that bad. Here's the hard part about what I just said. Some people are going to hear that and me like, that's not true. You don't know my life. How dare you? And I think the reality is that I do know, maybe I haven't walked in your shoes, but I've been through hell and back. You have to, what is life like now? Because here, the reason I'm asking this question is because I think sometimes people hear me ‘cause I host the podcast and I'm, on television and blah, blah, blah. And they're like, Oh man, this guy has the best life ever. And he's lucky, and he figured it out, but I'm like, Nope, it just took work, and so what is life like now for you?

Victoria: I want to back up just a moment. ‘Cause you said something that I don't want your audience to miss, and that is that awareness. The first step to healing is forgiveness and awareness. We have to be aware that there is something wrong and something needs to change, I am a work in progress. I will always be a work in progress, and I believe that we are here part of this journey, to learn and to grow. I just had a situation in my family and some of the things from childhood reared their ugly head, but now I'm able to be aware of that and say no. No, that little girl has left the building, she's gone, we're not going to entertain her anymore, she knows that she's loved, she knows that she has a purpose, she knows that she has a greater calling on her life, and when we can sit in that peace, it's about sitting in that peace and knowing that you are marvelously made, that you are perfect in your imperfections. And it's okay to say, I'm not doing so well today, we're programmed when someone says, how are you today? I'm fine, I'm good. We're programmed to say that if you think about it, and we have to get away from that, we have to sit with it, we have to be in those dark spaces. And I still do, I'm still learning. I'm still growing, healers need healers, coaches need coaches, I have healers that I can go to and coaches, I can go to that, help me go through this life.

Michael: Yeah. And you have to, you said something that I want to go back into. You said that, that there's something else, right? There's another purpose, that there is something divine in the journey. The knowing I think is really hard because it's like this. Walking in faith kind of situation and that I think that's whether or not you're religious I don't think that requires a religious undertone or spirit, it's just like you have faith. That's gonna work out and for me my knowing is very simple. I'm like, I've already been through hell. So it's like why can't I have everything? What is the knowing look like for you? And where does it come from? How do you know?

Victoria: You mentioned it earlier gratitude. Look back at where you've come through, you've come through something, and what does the adage says? You didn't come this far to come this far. I truly believe that all of my scars, all of my hurt, all of my pain made me into the woman that I am today, just as you are. If the question would be, had you not gone through what you went through, would you be here doing what you're doing today? Will you be helping the thousands and millions of people that you're helping today with the understanding? Look, I've been through it, I know what it's like and when you're able to speak to people from that vantage point. It makes a difference and I do know, I know each and every day and some days I wake up and I question it, and that's when I have to go back to gratitude, I have to look around, I've got a light switch that works, I have feet, some are not so lucky. I woke up, I learned to say thank you. Even in the darkest night, I've learned and figured out that no matter what happens to any of us, it's either a lesson or a blessing. There is no in between, we never fail, we never fail. There is no failure, and that was the thing that I had to get in my head, there is no failure, I had a business that I lost about almost a million dollars on and I felt like I failed, I lost my retirement, I lost everything, I was a bankrupt single mother. At one time, and I felt such a failure, I couldn't keep my electricity on with my Children, you name, I just have been through a lot, but then I realized none of those instances were failures, they were teaching me. I was being refined and that's why I know.

Michael: Yeah that's difficult to write because those failures stack and you look at it. In my experience, looking at the failures and seeing my life as everything that I did not want, but yet everything that I deserved, and this is where it gets tricky because people don't want to hear the truth. Every decision I made had led me to a path at 26 years old where I was at rock bottom and you talk about this thing about forgiveness and acknowledgement and I think that forgiveness is first and foremost a tool best used on one's self and then from there you, you extend that out to the world. And, people frequently ask me, my thoughts on forgiveness. And I'm like, I don't know what the point is of carrying all the pain. I'm not saying everyone deserves forgiveness, but forgiveness is for you. It's actually not for them, and I think that if you can get to that place where you can reconcile your experiences, like you really start to win and the acceptance part so hard. Because by our human nature, we want to shut down, we want to run, we want to escape because biologically our brains are trying to survive, and so when you're faced with these awful, some experiences, it's like the last thing you want to do is sit with a coach or a therapist and talk about it, but then you realize it's actually the old adage of the truth will set you free. When you look at forgiveness in your life what does that look like? Who have you had to forgive? What have you had to forgive? How have you forgiven?

Victoria: Absolutely right. The first thing you have to forgive yourself. One of the exercises that I do with the clients is I have them write a hundred times, I forgive myself for anything I've said or done, that's got to sink in, and it's the same thing with love, we can only love others to the capacity we can love ourselves, we can only forgive others to the capacity that we can forgive ourselves. And forgiveness is a step that we all must take, but in order to get there, we have to go into the dark spaces. This is where it gets tricky because we don't want to go to those dark places. We don't want to go back to the abuse to the feelings of being unloved or unwanted. We don't want to go back there. But you cannot heal what you do not acknowledge and what you do not heal you will bleed on others who did not hurt you, you got to go back there. Would you resist persist as we know Daniel Wagner did an experiment. It's called the white bear experiment. And what he did was he had 1 group of participants not think of a white bear. He said, whatever. Don't think of a white bear, think of anything else. But if you think of a white bear, I want you to ring a bell. The second group of participants, he said, think about anything you want a white bear, anything you want to think about it, but you can think of white bear, if you want to. The participants who were told not to think of the white bear ring the bell more times, because they were resisting it, and it was persisting in their mind. We know that the mind doesn't understand negatives, right? It only understands positive, and it's important that we go to those dark spaces. It's important that we accept them, that we're aware of them, that we forgive ourselves, that we learn to love ourselves. How do you do that? Sometimes you have to get help, you can't help. As Les Brown says, you can't read the label if you're in the can, you got to have people out there. That's going to help you people who you trust people who will guide you people who can be that light, and if you don't believe in yourselves, we often have to borrow someone else's belief in us. But we can do it and when we concentrate on the failures, and the negative, we've got it, we've got to switch our brain. To think about the positive when you're cold, if you keep thinking about the cold, you're going to stay cold, but if you start thinking about the heat. The cold will start to dissipate. We must concentrate on solutions and not our problems.

Michael: Yeah, being solution oriented is everything. And I always think about this. The universe is only going to give you what you ask for, and if you are negative, it is going to give you that, and you hear people all the time, they're just like, this always happens to me. I'm like, cause you're inviting it, and that's like a weird thing. And look, I'm the same guy who was like, this is woo bullshit. There's not that long ago, decade or so ago. I'd be like, what are you talking? This is nonsense, I don't believe manifestation is as simple as just the thought. I think it requires tremendous action, but you get opportunity and touches of favor through thought. Right and through the actions because that's gonna plot you on a course in a direction that you want to go and if you're always negative which it's easy, look I'm not taking victimhood away from anyone this is what's so difficult in the journey, like you want to be a victim? Okay, I'm not taking it from you it's gonna be a really shitty rest of your life. Yes, it just is you're you've been hurt I've been hurt millions of people have been hurt mentally emotionally physically spiritually sexually financially and it's okay, the past is over, right? I'm not saying don't work on it, heal it, even with the people I coach, one thing I always teach them is don't avoid this, they come to me in the darkest moments of their life, and I'm like, good, sit in it, exist in this because it's truth, and people, what I think about I hate the word triggered, for instance, I think it's a nonsensical word. But what I think about in those moments where you're presented with something that makes you uncomfortable, you now have an opportunity for a growth path, and so it's if you are in this place where life is hard and you feel like you can't make it through, you got to sit in that truth and acknowledge like how you got there. And if you play the victim, I promise it's a lot more difficult than being the hero because at least when you're the hero, there's opportunity. When you're a victim, you're always living in a past. One of the things that I think is important, like you look at your life now, there are a tremendous number of times where you did not win. How do you keep getting up? Because there's somebody listening right now, Victoria, and I know they are where they're like, I hear what you guys are saying, but it's just, it's so hard. What do you say to that person?

Victoria: It is hard. And it's okay that it's hard because if you don't acknowledge that it's hard, you will stay in the basement of life and it just takes one decision to get out one decision to determine or to say life has been hard, but it will no longer be hard. Life is going to be what I make it not what has happened to me. And I had to learn that the hard way, I am a master at sitting in my own stuff, I have a stronger word for that, I had to learn to get out. Again, the awareness when you say everything bad ever happens to me, ask yourself the question. Is that true? Are there other times in your life when things did go? We're trained biologically to look at the negative, that's how we stayed alive, we had to always be on guard for the tiger in the woods and we're always flight or flight until we make the decision not to be. How do you come to that decision, Victoria? It's different from everyone. Some people just get sick and tired of being sick and tired. Some people will see something that inspires them, some people will have someone come alongside them and say something or do something, they're like, I didn't think of that, but you have to do it. No one can do it for you, you've got to make a decision that I am not going to concentrate on what didn't go right in my life. I'm going to sit and gratitude and see what did go in right in my life, and 1 of the exercises that I do is a cheer exercise where we go and we get into that quiet space. Just like I had to go talk to that 2 year old child with the hypnotherapist, we go to that space and you have a conversation with that little boy or that little girl. Tell them that they're loved, tell them it wasn't their fault. Go and have that conversation with that 5 year old you and then take a moment, and have that conversation with that 15, 16, that teenager that got their heart broken, that teenager that was trying to figure out the world and couldn't, what would you say to them? That young adult that's 20 and 21, 22, and now all of a sudden they're realizing that it's time to be adulating, what would you say to them? It's all about taking that time, getting quiet, being still. What would you say? And who is actually saying that? Awareness, when you say life is always bad, if it's gonna be bad, it's gonna happen to me. Who's saying that? Who, who is saying that? Is that the seven year old that got pushed around and bullied on the playground? You got to go back and have those conversations.

Michael: You do, and they're the hardest ones, because they're the thing that shape us. When you look at your journey into healing, it often starts with stepping backwards for first. So when you look at your journey of healing, you have to go backwards and when you go backwards and you look at these experiences, when you were four, six, twelve, fifteen, twenty two, twenty five, thirty even. Cause look, you're gonna heal when you're gonna heal, and it's a different timeline for everyone. But when you look at those experiences, and you do it, I think there's two things that you must do. One, you have to be completely, nakedly honest. Do not sugarcoat it. Do not lie to yourself. Do not make it less than or greater than it is. Acknowledge it for its reality. I think that's number one. And number two is you have to ask yourself why that experience has impacted your life. You look at your life and you talk about this hole in your heart and having this thing that you needed to heal, you have the neglect from childhood, you have these horrible relationships, you have the relationships you chose, you stepped, you made your decisions. When you look at your life and in those moments, I would have to imagine you were in that victim hood. I don't know how one is not right. And as you measured and you look back and that it wasn't serving you, it gives you the ability to step into what's next. So what I'm curious about when you started to heal this space in yourself, how did that impact your relationships? With your siblings, with partners, with your children, with business, like what actually happened when you were willing to walk through that darkness?

Victoria: When you change everything around you changes. When you change, I will say it again, everything around you changes. One of the first things we have to realize is that some people can't continue on the journey. Some people, they can't, it could be your family, because you've changed, you're different now. They don't know how to take you, they feel like they're losing you. It's not that they don't love you, it's that you're different, and they don't understand it, and they feel they're losing a part of you, and we have to learn to love people at a distance, and that's a hard lesson, you have to learn to let go, let go. If it's not serving you, if it's bringing you down, ask yourself the question, why am I here? Why am I doing this? Why do I stay in these toxic relationships? You talk about being brutally honest, you also have to talk about and also consider your part in it. What was your part in it? You, I'm not talking about an adult when I was five years old that molested me. I'm talking as we start to grow, as we start to learn, what is our part? I attracted these men. That was my part because I felt I wasn't worthy. I had to really get honest with my part because it's so easy, like you said, to stay in victimhood. It's so easy to blame everyone else. No one can make you do anything. When someone comes to me and they say, Oh, they made me so angry. How did they get your anger? Did you give it to them? Did you send it to them on UPS? How did they get it? These are the things we have to learn to ask ourselves, and sometimes, quite honestly, we're ill equipped to do it. I was ill equipped to ask those questions. Had I not had, for me it was a voice. For someone else, it might be, like I said, getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. You have to be open to receive. One of the best ways to do it is to start to serve. And I'm not talking about pouring from your cup. I'm talking about pouring from your saucer. You've got to fill yourself up first. You have to put your oxygen mask on first. It's amazing how when you start to shift, which is what I did, if you remember my story, I realized I had a heart issue and I realized other people must be feeling the same way I went into service. I went into service of others, and I do believe that's one of the main reasons we're here. To heal, to grow, to serve. But from your saucer, not from your cup, put your oxygen mask on first. That's one really good way to start.

Michael: Yeah. And have a direction, right? And I think that people and I was guilty of this too, nonchalantly just go to therapy or hire a coach or read a book or listen to a podcast. And I can't help but think what is the purpose, because a ship with no compass will land on any island and I just constantly bring to my awareness. Like, why am I doing something? Why am I recording this podcast? Why am I coaching? Why am I in the gym first thing in the morning? Why do I meditate every day? Why did I even start this journey? And when I rewind me being of service was to myself first, because when I was, I was a train wreck. Like when I look at my life and I see you laughing and I can't help, but think like you resonate. I do, I do. But I was a complete train wreck, I was morbidly obese, smoking two packs a day and massive debt, my family was a disaster, my relationships were a disaster, my health was a disaster, I can't believe people would even sleep with me. I'm like, what is wrong with you if you're banging me? And so you're in this thing where then one day, which was my journey, I woke up and I was like, I am over myself. But here's the interesting part, it doesn't mean that it doesn't creep up sometimes. It doesn't mean that it's not there, there's an extent to it, and I believe this, and I've gotten in trouble for saying this before, but, you know me, I don't really give a shit. There's something about us that is addicted to our own suffering from our childhood trauma. There's something that until the work becomes so deep, and I think the gap in time in which you have this experience grows, and now I'm 14 years into this journey, and there's still these solitary nuanced moments where I'm like, Oh, it feels good to be the victim, right? And you learn how to pull yourself out faster and faster, right? But in the beginning, I think we are addicted to the suffering of victimhood, I think we're addicted to the idea that what was me and I'm curious if you had that experience too. And if so, what really pulled you out of victimhood and into herodom?

Victoria: Again it's understanding how human behavior works. It's understanding the mind. It's understanding what I want out of life. And how am I going to go get it? Oh, I could, I'm the youngest of six children, I could play victim with the best of them, all right. That's what I did, that's what I did, I played victim, I always say it's okay to have a pity party, it really is, you just have to know when to leave it. We all are in victimhood every once in a while. It just comes up you're standing on in line and you're upset with the barista because they're taking too long because you messed up your own order, but it's their fault somehow right now, you're the victim and recognizing how it creeps up in subtle ways. Have to be aware. It just creeps up and for, it is wait a minute again, what was my part in this situation? How did I bring this up? I'll bring this around and just taking that step back, take a step back become. I can't say enough about becoming self aware and you also nailed it. What is the purpose? Why do you want to go to therapy? Why do you want to change? And you got sick and tired of being sick and tired, you got sick of being you and you needed to change, you made that decision, nobody made it for you. You did. And that's what people need to hear. When are you going to decide that something needs to change in your life? And are you willing to do it?

Michael: Yeah. And at the beginning, it might be through anger, right? It might be through anger or fear or heartbreak or upset or any negative. Very rarely in my experience has it ever been very rarely in my experience has a breakthrough ever be grand out of joy.

Victoria: Yes, yes, yes.

Michael: But what's really interesting is that even though very rarely any experience that is a breakthrough begins with joy on a long enough timeline, despite the fact that your journey started with hurt and loss and suffering and grief and despair, it transmutes itself into grace and compassion and love and joy and hope and it's a process. And I tell people all the time you can't come into coaching for a week and your life's going to be different or go to therapy for a month and expect everything that you've ever wanted, and it's the same as anything in life, you have to be able to deploy a tremendous amount of patience and grace and even sit in the silence a bit and acknowledge where you're at when you look at your life, I think that really incredible what you've been able to persevere through to be able to change and heal and grow and to be of service. What was the, let's talk about timeline because I want to make it realistic for people like I'm 14 years in, I just came back from an Ayahuasca retreat and a meditation thing and date with destiny with Tony Robbins. Like I'm still doing the work. What talk to me about timeline, what does it look like when you're healing your heart?

Victoria: The timeline is going to be different for everyone, it really is. I started in 2017 and it doesn't sound like a long time, but you have to understand that at that time, I was in my 50s. So you're never too late. It's never too late to get hope and to find love and to accept yourself. It's never too late, I don't think you can give a timeline to anyone because even now. In 2024, I'm still healing, I'm going to Tony Robbins. I still, I'm a student of Dr. Joe Dispenza. I'm constantly changing and evolving the healing, it never stops. And I was and I mentioned God and I cannot, it's just who I am and I was listening to. Genesis this morning on audible, and when I was listening to Genesis, it talked about how Sarah was promised a child, took her 10 years to have that child, you're 14 hours in and you're still going to events and you're still learning and you're still growing, I'm 62 years old, I'm still learning, I'm still growing in my mind, it's like Bob Proctor, at least he's the first one I heard ever say it, is that either you're growing or you're dying. There is no in between and things come up. I just, I had mentioned earlier, I had an incident with my family member and some of things came back. And I had to stop myself from reacting the way I used to react, I had to pull myself back, and it's gonna happen, and that's where self forgiveness comes in at. You have to forgive yourself because you're human.

Michael: Yeah, I tell people all the time don't get it twisted. Just because I post on the internet and I have this podcast and write books, don't think for a second that I don't make mistakes. Don't think for a moment that I don't have these experiences where I have to pull myself up off the ground and be like, dude, what are you doing? Because I am human, and anyone who would proclaim perfection through this journey, run away from them. Because they are a liar, and you see those people, and they portray this concept that I went and did a static dance once and so I'm healed. And it's bro, no you're not, and I think that it, and I'm not saying that to be dismissive. Everybody's journey is different, through truth comes salvation and freedom, and I will sit here and share every bit of vulnerability and truth if I believe that it helps move the journey forward for myself and for other people, and more the reason I have the podcast, and it's very selfish, which I've shared many times, because I want to learn from people like you, who have done things, who have changed their lives, who in one little sentence could change a narrative that I have about something and I think people will, often in times take this in passing and not take it seriously enough. And it's there's gold. How many hours of education are you saving me right now to learn to love myself, to be more compassionate, to forgive, to explore a different journey. And so I'm wondering when you look at, and you have these mentors, some alive and some dead, because I do want to make this practical for people, like what are, how do you apply the takeaways to your life?

Victoria: Yes, journaling is so important. Get it out of your head, get it on paper, pay attention, journal, write it down. Someone gives you an idea. I have a pad by my bed. First thing in the morning or at night, we start going into alpha brainwave patterns. As we start going into alpha, that's considered our learning. As a hypnotist, we put people in trance, we're in beta right now because we're active, we're talking to each other right before bed. Your melatonin starts to come in and you start to relax, that's when you're most susceptible to learning, and figuring things out and that's when you get a lot of those aha moments, right? And write them down, that's practical. Write them down and go back and look at them, and then from there, we'll go into theta, that's deep trance, that's where we do a lot of our deep work. And then delta is our is when we're sleep, that's restorative. In the mornings, when you start waking up, serotonin starts to kick in. If you think mail puts you to sleep, sero wakes you up, serotonin. Right when you first wake up, you're still in that alpha state. Journal, write. And it'll be amazing, you may not even know what you wrote. But write it and then stand in gratitude and keep listening because what you put in, you're going to be putting out. It's important that you listen to your affirmations, which I say affirmations and nor St. John did a book called affirmations because I can tell you affirmations barely work on people because it stops at the brain stream, if you say I'm beautiful, I'm great, I'm excited, life is good, and you don't believe it. You can say that a thousand times and it's not going to work and affirmation feels a little different. It's like, how am I so beautiful? How am I so smart? How am I so abundant in life? It just has a different it just has a different feel to it, a different energy, because your brain is designed to ask, to answer any questions you give it. So give it positive, ask the right questions of yourself. So that's another thing you could do very practically. And keep learning, keep watching podcasts like you, read books that you write, like you, your books, other people that you admire, Les Brown is one of my mentors, I'm always listening to what he has to say, I'm always, his books, find something that resonates with you, because we're all different. And then do the work, don't go to the, they'll spend thousands of dollars. I've had to tell my client, my clients do not spend another dollar or dime on a coach on a guru on an event. Unless you are prepared to take action, take your notes. Read over them, and if you can think of 1 thing, 1 thing that you can implement a little bit later, think of 1 more thing you can implement. See, what we try to do is we try to eat the whole elephant. Eat it one bite at a time.

Michael: Yeah, that's spot on. And I agree with all of that, and a lot of it is making meaning is looking at the experience of the life that you're in and understanding not only how you got there, but why you are there and how it serves you. And if you can get to the place where I think there's three things that you really have to do to effectively create change in your life, I think number one is you have to be honest. Number two is you have to actually show up and number three is you have to execute and people are really good at one or the other and miss the last. And it's a tri it's a triad and in order for it to really effectively work, you've got to do all three, you've got to be honest. You have to show up, and I would argue the execution, the taking action portion of it. Is the most important and that can be little things. And for me at the beginning of my journey, I was like, can I brush my teeth today? Do you know how crazy that is? To brush your teeth when you're, I'm going to go to the gym.

Victoria: Dragging yourself to the shower.

Michael: Yeah, whatever it is. And it's but that builds you up. And I always think about this. Like when you're at your most depressed, you're most anxious, you're most lost. You're not doing anything, I guarantee I will look at you, show me your calendar and I will show you your life, I guarantee it. And so if you can put some implement, some things into your life that require physical energy, right? Cause energy is just displaced. It's never created or destroyed. And that energy that you're not using, you're actually using, it's just being displaced into your couch or into your bed or into someone else's bed for the hundredth time this year, right? And so it's can you take that energy and apply it and bring it into your life to create and often force change as you think about what's next for you? And as you continue to be of service, what are some of the changes that have carried the most weight in your life, the changes that because you were honest and you showed up and you executed, what were some of the changes that have actually made you who you are today?

Victoria: I would say definitely better relationships. One thing we have to be cautious of in our lives as we're growing and changing is who's around us. Who are we with? Who are we hanging out with? What are they saying to us? Are they uplifting us or are they bringing us down? I have much better relationships and this is something I don't share often, but you asked. I talked about our brainwave patterns and being in the beta. One thing that I noticed was I couldn't feel my heartbeat and let me explain that. I was so anxious all the time. I was so reactive. I could not sit back even in a conversation like this and let you speak without trying to interject. And trying to talk over you because I had to be heard and when I was like that, I could my heart just always race. I can always feel it racing. And what I realized once I was able to calm down and live in the state that I now live in, I don't feel that anymore. My cholesterol went down, my A1C went down, my blood pressure went down. So my health just improved without exercising, without dieting, just because I was able to reach a calmer space in my life. So that changed, that was 1 of the 1st things that I noticed, I didn't speak as loud either, I stopped saying I'm sorry all the time, I was always I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I stopped apologizing for things, I didn't have to apologize and I didn't even notice that, and then people would start to say you're different. What's changed about you? And they might try to think it's something physical and maybe it was because I lost weight because I started to care about myself a little more. And those are the early changes that I had that I could feel physically, mentally, and just I wanted to serve. I knew that I could find salvation and self love, self forgiveness, in service of others.

Michael: That's powerful. And that's why I wanted you here to share your journey, share your story. I think it's very admirable. It's very powerful. It goes to show you that it doesn't matter where you are in terms of your timeline on this journey. When you decide to heal, you can. Even if you suffered neglect and abuse and loss and bad relationships and financial disaster and who else knows whatever happened in the course of your journey, like you can still have something different. And I think about this every day, like a lost man in the desert, if he has hope, he has everything, and I think that's what life is just you got to have a little hope, got to have some hope, a bit of effort and a lot of trust and knowing that it'll work out. Before I ask you my last question, my friend, tell everyone where they can find you, learn more, and get their heart healed if they so see fit.

Victoria: Yes, you can find me online @justaskvictoria. If you'd like to reach out directly, you can. Reach out directly at justaskvictoria.com. That's also my website. My Instagram is @justaskvictoria_. TikTok, so just ask Victoria is an easy way to find me.

Michael: Brilliant. And of course guys, go to unbrokenpodcast.com. We will put those links and more in the show notes. My last question for you, my friend, for the second time, what does it mean to you to be unbroken?

Victoria: Oh, I love that question. When you ask that question, it means peace. I had to learn to become peace, love, and joy. So to be unbroken means I am not perfect, I don't expect myself to be perfect, but I am at peace with my past and with myself, and I want everyone to know that I see you, you matter and you are enough. That's what it means to be unbroken.

Michael: Beautifully said enoughness is everything I hope that everyone can learn that there's nothing in the world that will ever make them love themselves more than loving themselves, Victoria my friend.

Thank you for being here unbroken nation. Thank you for listening. Please check us out on Apple podcast and leave a review Check us out at Michael Unbroken on all the social media platforms think unbroken podcast for more information.

And Until Next Time,

 My Friends,

 Be Unbroken.

 I'll See Ya.