Tips for Healing from Trauma and Finding Your True Self

Hey, what's up my friends! Very excited to be back with you. Welcome to another episode of the show.

So, I was thinking today about the three things that feel like really kind of the cornerstone of the healing journey. And so, today I'm gonna talk to you about the three things that I've learned about healing my own trauma. And this conversation is really kind of a, I'm gonna call it an open dialogue with me between me that you get to sit and listen into. And so, I kind of plotted out a few points that I wanted to go through with you while understanding that depending on where you are in your journey, this may or may not apply to you.

You know, and as I thought about that more, and as I think about that more in real time, I feel like depending on where you are, you should still do this anyway. So, I'm gonna lay out, this is just my thoughts, my opinions, of course, thank you for listening to the show. Thank you for being here. I appreciate you greatly. So, let's get into it.

So, there's three things that I think that I've probably learned that are the most profound about healing my trauma.

NUMBER ONE IS TRUST YOURSELF

I had to learn to trust myself, and this was so incredibly difficult because the only thing I really understood growing up was that if I tried to be who I was, there was some kind of ramification or punishment coming along with that, and as an autonomic response to those stressors, we learned to effectively turn ourselves off, right? We switched into this identity of being what other people want us to be, this is something I've covered many, many times on this show, but I want to go a little bit deeper into this concept of what it means to trust yourself and what it meant for me. I felt so incredibly lost about who I was as a kid, and even in my teens and twenties, that it was terrifying at times to be able to step into who I've become today and who I will become. And it was terrifying because I felt fake all the time. You might relate to this in some capacity. I felt like eventually the shoe would drop and people would find out who I really was, right? And at the time, especially when I was starting to transition into becoming this different version of me, there were a lot, that's an understatement. I had created so much chaos in my life and I had burned everything down that I felt inevitably do. Like, I felt like that's what I was heading to. I felt like I had done so many deplorable and disastrous things that there's no way I'd make it through the other side. And a lot of those things I look back at today and I think to myself, man, I’m still picking up the pieces from those and it's not just lying and cheating, it's like hurting my brothers, fighting my brothers, like physical violence with people, it was getting my car repossessed, not paying my bills, sleeping with my friend's, girlfriends, it was doing a lot of these things that I honestly, I wasn't cognizant of, I know that's gonna sound crazy. I know people are gonna listen to that and you may hear this right now and be like, how can you not be cognizant of it? But think about how anytime in your life you've done something really dumb and then you're like, I actually didn't mean to do that, that's how I feel like the first 26 years of my life were. I was like, I didn't feel like I'm meant to do some of these things. I didn't mean to destroy relationships.

One of the things that I've talked about before is when one of my best friends got murdered, it's like I hadn't talked to him for years because of something stupid. I was grudge, I was holding onto. And so, I'm in this journey and I'm starting to heal. I'm starting to go through the paces and the only thing I can ever think to myself is like, oh, actually, what's happening here is that I'm trying to become this other person, but all of my truth is going to come out. And that was true, and it did, and it has. I think about this a lot, at some point in this journey of mine, there will be more truth that exposes itself, and I will face that and I will sit in it and I'll be like, yep, that's what I did. That's what I did 26 years ago, 20 years ago, 15 years ago, 10 years ago, seven years ago, a year ago, right. We're always on an evolution and a journey.

And so, this idea and concept about trusting myself was a dichotomy versus feeling like, how do you trust yourself when you've burned down everything around you because you've been told that you're worthless, you suck, you're a piece of shit, you've been locked in closets, beaten all of these things, right?

And so, what effectively started to happen is I just said, let's see what happens. And I was willing to step into a lot of discomfort. And in that discomfort, I started to trust myself more and that discomfort started first with telling the truth, and that was the hardest thing that I did. Even to this day in a lot of capacities, being honest, especially when it's very, very, very difficult ending a relationship, walking away from a business partner, closing down a business, not doing something, because I feel like it's not in alignment with me, even though it's someone I care about, like anytime that those truths come up, it's much easier to sit on them today because I've learned that it's okay to be who you are. And want what you want and receive what you are prepared to receive and give what you're prepared to give. And so I just started telling the truth, that was it, and it sucked. Like it sucked massively. I remember one time, I went and I called one of my brothers and I was like, can we just talk? And he's like, fuck you. And that was the response for a long time until it wasn't. And I just kept trying to push into this idea of this version of who I am. So, that's what I did every single day, and that's what I still continue to do and as I did that, the trusting myself thing just became my new normal. And that's what I want you to think about like how can trusting yourself become the new normal? How can you do that? Well, the way that you do that is, first you have to be honest with yourself, you have to have clarity about what you actually want, and when you get that, you just move towards it bit by bit every single day.

THE SECOND THING WAS I HAD TO REMOVE PEOPLE FROM MY LIFE

Now I know this is something I've talked about before, this is something everybody on planet Earth talks about, but most people don't go into the construct of like understanding why it's important to do this. And I don't even know that I've necessarily effectively done that. And what I realized is I had to remove people from my life because they started to think that I was better than them and I've never felt that way about anybody. And that comes from this space because here I am now heading into my late twenties and I'm starting to shift a lot of things. I'm not drinking so much. I'm not partying so much. I'm not smoking cigarettes. I'm not getting high all the time. I'm not eating garbage food. I'm going to the gym multiple times a week. I'm putting myself in this situation where I'm going to therapy and I'm starting to dive into the personal development work, and there's these micro shifts that are happening. And I was still trying to stay connected to those people in my life because I love them and I thought, well, even though I'm changing, they'll get it, they'll understand and they'll still be my friend either way. And what started to happen is we would go to bars, we would go to clubs, we would go do whatever that thing was, and I would sit there and drink soda water. I did this forever and I wouldn't get drunk and I would leave at 10:30 at night and the next day I'd get up at six and I would do yoga and meditate and go to the gym. And instead of watching football with them all day on Sunday, I would be working on my personal development or growing a business and instead of going and partying all the time and those things, I was just, I'm gonna move myself further and deeper into me. And I've shared this story before, but I told my three best friends at the time, my background of abuse and trauma and I said, I have to leave and I have to go to what's next. And one of the guys is, I'm sharing my life and I'm saying, hey, this is what's happening. I've hit this rock bottom. You actually don't know about it, but it was about three years ago and I have to pull myself out of this ‘cuz I feel chaotic. In the middle of our conversation one of the guys pulls out a cell phone and checks the score of the game. And I was like, okay, cool, now I get it. Now I understand what's actually happening here. And as I traveled and I went and I moved to this new place, I would have these conversations with these old friends. I'm like, Hey, come visit me. Please come visit me. I need you. Right. And in some capacity, like I truly mean that I did. I was alone. I wasn't lonely. Even though I was at times, but I was alone and I was away from everything I knew ‘cause I think there's a huge importance in picking up and going somewhere else. I think it's one of the most important things you can do in your journey. Actually, I'm gonna add four things, this is a 2-A leave wherever you grew up. Pack your shit and go, it will change your life forever. I promise you this. And so, I'm calling these guys, we're having these conversations. I'm like, please come visit me, just see where I'm at, come and experience this different version of my life, not one of them. Let me rephrase. One did, one did, but he happened to be in town anyway, it wasn't, I don't know. I'm glad that we gotta spend time today together. I won't go down a path of a lot of other things that. So, I've realized I've had to start cutting those people out of my life, and I did entirely and there's times where I think probably just because of the social nature of what we are as humans and our vast curiosity, I'll pop onto social media and I'll see what they're up to and it's like, yep, they're doing the same thing literally doing the same thing as 13 years ago, 10 years ago. I'm like, nah, I'm good. I'm good, and you have to be able to give that to yourself. And I never felt, and I still don't feel even today, even in my circles today, like I look at the people in my life and they're so incredibly different.

Personal growth oriented, they're fit, they're healthy, they're not big drinkers, they're not big spokes, they travel the world, they speak on stage, they bring value to people's lives, they run their own businesses, they're very much where I am. Right. And that has held a lot of power in my life because then they get it. Right. If I go talk to my old friends and I was like, hey, this is where I'm at. And they'll be like, I don't understand, and that's okay, and they don't have to understand. And this is the thing about removing people from your life. They don't even have to understand why you're doing it. You do though.  And that applies to, again, relationships, business partners, career, to the people that your kids play with. I mean, all of the things, like, it sucks, I'm not gonna lie it sucks because there's times I miss, like, I'll never be like, I don't miss that lifestyle. The jet setting to concerts and partying and getting stoned and random hookups and that whole thing, there's always a part of me where I'm like, that was a really interesting time, but it was chaos. And it's not what I want, ‘cuz it doesn't move me towards my goals and it doesn't gimme the ability to show up every single day. And so, when you're removing people from your life, you have to understand like you're doing it for you, not against them. And on a long enough timeline that plays itself out and you see it happen all the time.

NUMBER THREE, WHICH IS PROBABLY ARGUABLY THE MOST DIFFICULT THING THAT WE DO, IS WE LET GO.

Eventually, you're going to have to let go. Eventually, you're going to have to look at all the things in your life, assess them, heal, do the work, get the coach, get the therapist, push yourself into places that you've never been, get uncomfortable, travel, all of that stuff and at the frame and baseline of all of it, you're going to have to let go. Let go of everything. Everything that has held you back, all the old identities, all the old people, all the old abuse, all the everything. You're just gonna have to let it go. And that's what I realized I was like, oh, I'm carrying this, it's like I teach this to my clients all the time. If I gave you a thousand-pound backpack, how long would you carry that around with you? At what point would you make a decision to put it down? And that's what I realized, I was like, everyone knows this story. My mother cut my finger off when I was four years old and I carry that. I carried it forever and I would hide it, I would literally like tuck my finger under my other fingers I would hide it there, shame the guilt of it, even though I'm not responsible for it. And when I let go, what I realized is I could turn that scar into my very superpower and that's what I did, and that's what I've done, and that's what's allowed us to help people.

And at the end of the day, when I think about letting go, it's not necessarily like, it's definitely not, let me rephrase it. It's definitely not pretending that the thing that happened didn't happen ‘cause that's fucking nonsensical, that's not going to help you. What it is, it's about giving yourself peace and freedom. And in that you'll find love. Self-love first and foremost, but then you'll find love with the world. You'll discover things aren't as bad as you think they are, and life will become this really beautiful journey for you. And that's what has happened to me because as I've let go, I've realized I can step further and deeper into my dreams, into the ideas of the person that I want to be and I can show up living life on my terms. And if you have the willingness to do that it's incredible what happens because ultimately now in this space of freedom and love and exploration, you're in truth like real truth, and you can start asking yourself hard questions. Did I show up today? Did I live life on my terms? Did I execute the game plan? Was I a great brother, mother, sister, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, lover, friend, community member, supportive human being, business owner, boss, leader, right? And you can start doing inventory. Did I spend time where I said I was gonna spend time? Did I follow through when I said I was gonna follow through? Did I do all these things? And what happens when you get to this space you start to do it without shame and guilt, and instead in curiosity and responsibility and accountability. And it's one of the most beautiful things that happen.

So, for me, those are the three most important things that have come to mind that I've learned about healing my trauma;

• Trusting Yourself
• Removing People
• Letting Go.

My friends, thank you so much for listening, it means the world to me.

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I'll See Ya.